BPDFamily.com

So i've shared a lot of painful memories today in various threads. It's absolutely insane i put up with all i did for two years. She had the ultimate weapon which conversely gave me every reason to want to stay, an infant child.

I'm wondering if it's at all common for BPDs to keep having children as a means to control people. The BPDx is up to 5 kids under 7 by 3 different guys. She uses them to try and control me (at least when it comes to the one that's mine) and to control her family, who despite the BPDx's craziness, they love all her kids unconditionally.

My daughter is almost 4 years old now and we are 3 years removed from the ugly mess of things with her mom. She knows who i am and that i'm her father. I see her via facetime a couple of times a week, physically maybe every two months or so for a few days (distance). The relationship with the BPDx has really affected me as a father. I've been pushed so far that i feel totally indifferent towards my child right now. If we can somehow be civil and i can stay a part of her life, that's wonderful. On the other hand, if things don't work and i'm forced to take extreme measures like leaving the country or something like that to finally be at peace than so be it. I wouldn't lose any sleep over it.

Then so be it.

You obviously have reservations though. Why do you think that is?

Religious teachings suggest that "indifference" is a coping mechanism that keeps us from caring --- based mostly on fear. 

Means of control, in part.  My ex is "breeding advocates."  Life long advocates that she can try to mold into what she wants them to be.

Hi clydegriffith,

I'm sorry to hear that. I read a little of your back story. My ex is having a 5th child and 3 different fathers. She was acting strange with wanting me to go on outings with her and I know the r/s with her bf was not going well. She fears abandonment and I believe that's why she got pregnant. Her family is indifferent to her behaviors from my perspective and instead of taking care of the family issues, they bury their heads in the sand.

Irregardless, I understand how distraught you may feel when you don't have reasonable access with your child. My ex was incredibly difficult after she left with reasonable access. She would fight with me and change days and times the week leading up to the weekend she would let me have the kids.

She had just left and I was scared the next 15 years I would have to put up with the craziness of simply trying to see my kids.

Kids have a right to both parents. It is their unconditional love for either. How your ex feels about you and these control tactics should not get in the way of your child's love for you. I was frantic when I arrived at bpdfamily 2 years ago and the advice given was to get a court order with non ambiguous boundaries.

I was trying to be civil with my ex and work with her. The same civility shown in the marriage that didn't work in the marriage due to her emotional immaturity, lack of empathy and narcissistic needs. It was doubly so after post break-up. There's a system designed to help facilitate your needs if your ex is uncooperative - courts.

My advice, don't try to be civil with her if you want reasonable access with your child. Get a L and get a parenting order.