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This time, it's as a nanny, part time.  She's been a nanny before.  I can tell she was nervous simply because she was up all night worrying about un-related things.  This would be the 4th job in two years.  That number does not include the 3 jobs she was hired for but quit before her first day.   

Expectations?  I'm trying not to have any.  Realistic predictions?  I say two months, tops.  She's already made two statements indicating she is projecting ahead to her next job.  I just hope that this job does not end in a major disaster like the last two. 

I hear ya, man.

The long trail of "evil plotting coworkers" at old jobs is a known story to me.

Every time my uBPDw brings up our financial troubles and her on-again-off-again desire to get another retail job I'm very "supportive" but never once do I nag her to actually take action on it.

Good luck!

That's where I try to go, too.  Leave what she wants to do up to her, and not get involved.  Last thing I want is to encourage her, then have her blame me when it falls apart (it always does).

But it falls apart not because of anything she's done, but because you didn't support and encourage her!      I love when I get that one.

Interesting how pwBPD can be so similar yet different in other ways. My uBPDw just started a new job last week, and actually likes it.  Over the years the times she's been most stable have been the times when she has worked.  I think the independence of getting and holding a job, and being paid for what she does, validates her in ways she doesn't get elsewhere. 

Her new job is a part-time custodian at a fitness center.  She is vastly overqualified for this, but I think her low self-image right now is making her think this is all she is capable of.  But she likes to clean and organize, so she's enjoying the work.  The gym has not had a competent custodian in a while and has been getting complaints, and she was worrying about the complainers making her look bad (fair enough, but of course magnified for a pwBPD).  I reminded her that in one of her previous jobs she worked for a large conference organization, and handling chronic complainers was one of the things she excelled at.  That seemed to boost her self-esteem quite a bit to recall that at one time she was quite successful and that she did indeed still have skills that she could put to good use.  I have to give her credit for trying, so we'll see.  Good luck with yours as well and maybe she will find something that is a good fit for her.

You know, I forgot about this, but the first 6 yrs of our relationship my ex went thru 4 or 5 different jobs. They were in her field, but she went to different places to do her job. She has been at her current job now for 6 or 7 yrs. She does not do anything for an extended period of time. It makes me wonder if she is getting nervous (internally of course) about staying there. She always told me she wasn't going to be a T forever because she hated it. Of course she thinks she's brilliant at it, and she's a pretty good one. But the things she said about her "crazy-assed clients" is remarkable. When she went home at night she had to numb out all evening just to get up and do it the next day. She hates the rat race... .

Day 1 complaints:

-  her back hurts

- employer "radically" adjusted her hours at the end of day (by one hour :) )

- hates working in other people's houses (jealous of their things)

- feels job is beneath her skill set (nanny job while she has master's degree)

End result - she quit.

Oh, geez Max.  Not that you didn't expect it but it is still disappointing.

How did you battle the compulsion to roll your eyes?

I am almost glad my partner is so extreme at this that she no longer tries, though still believes she could if she had to.

This drama about getting a job, work place conflict/bullying/conspiracy theories, getting sacked or quitting all within the space of 2 or 3 days used to drive me nuts.

It is so much easier to just accept she is unemployable.

If I was an employer and had a whiff of BPD in a prospective employee I would not take them on, whether it is defined as prejudiced, or not, its is just asking for trouble.

 

I think waveriders comments do highlight an something for "stayers" to think about.

In some ways... .a "lower function" pwBPD might be easier to accept because it is so extreme... it appears more clear that getting them from where they are to "normal" (whatever that is... ) is pretty far... .and not likely to be achieved.

Higher functioning pwBPD traits might lend some to think that they are "close to normal"... .and with some pushing they can get to normal and the BPD traits are behind them.

I guess where I'm going with this is that "radical acceptance" might be easier with lower functioning... .


Any thoughts on this... .?  Not sure if there is a way to take this and make a practical application for it... .

Stress headache started immediately, rolling eyes hurts when having a headache (a joke, but there is some truth in this)


That's where I am at.  I'm done having any kind of hopes that she will ever be able to hold any kind of job.  Time for me to take action for myself, and find a way to earn some extra money part time to help make ends meet.

There is some real, deeper meaning behind this issue.  I think she wants to work, but can't.  She has a list of excuses why this job wasn't right, but it does bother me that she can't just do it for awhile just to help out financially.  The job was a nanny job.  Here is something troubling she said:  She said that it was hard for her to watch the babies of a couple that is younger than her in a bigger, nicer house than her.  And she said that at the end of the day it's hard because those are their babies and she has to go back to her life.

I'm not sure what to make of that.  On one hand, it's just pure envy.  On another hand, that's downright creepy.  After she made that statement, I will in no way encourage her to take a nanny job again. 

 

Making extra money will take extra time away from home and your wife.

How will that void be filled?

By same token... .this may be a chance to cut some expenses... .simplify things.

My point... .if you are going to expend extra effort to make more money... .you have to get back that energy... .somewhere else in your life.  Otherwise... .you will burn out quick.

I see some common threads running through here. Jealousy of those the pwBPD perceives as having more or being better. Everyone-is-against-me syndrome, where co-workers have an organized, systematic plan to get rid of them for no reason whatsoever.

Both are examples of feelings=reality and cause employment issues for pwBPD. And in both cases, we are at fault if we do not back them up when they want us to validate the invalid.   

If I was a drug company, I think I would market a new aspirin labeled "SO of pwBPD strength". It would be a sizable tablet!   

One of the problems is they have delusions of grandiose. pwBPD have a capable side and an incapable side. The have delusions that their capable side is their norm and block the incapable. This leads to their belief that, and in part to a sense of entitlement, that they can succeed. This can also be the cause of being armchair experts.

Unfortunately in reality the incapable side keeps sabotaging them, so they fail. They can't admit it being them so they will dream up all the excuses in hindsight.

If there is a face saver to avoid having a job, rather than yours and their belief that they are not up to it, they will often take it.

It is not so much that they crave a job, it is that they dont want to be labelled incapable. But endless failure must be having a detrimental effect on self belief, delusion can only protect a person so far.

We deal with the opposite. My wife is smart, resourceful, educated, and could have a really good job if she wanted. But she settles for positions well below her because she does not think she is worthy of a better position.

She currently has the best job she has ever had, though still below her skill level as far as I am concerned. The only issue she has had is everyone-is-out-to-get-me syndrome, though that happens with family, PTA, etc... .and is not confined to the workplace.

she's already applied for a "work from home" position today.

I'm just burnt out by all of this.  I just need to come to grips with that she may be incapable of having any kind of job.  Time for me to take care of things financially myself - for my own good.  Bills need to get paid.

Too many times did she start a job and we buy something new based upon her expected income.  Too many times am I stuck paying the bills.  I already talked with her about curtailing expenses for now.  She cried about that. 

 

Why did you pay the bill?  Was your name attached to it?

Yep.  My bad decisions early on in the r/s.  I trusted that she would be working as a teacher, earning between 35k and 40k per year, and that she would be helping me out with household expenses.  So, I bought things to improve the house.  My name is on bills, because her credit was not good enough.  Interest free for a certain period.  Now, if I don't pay the remaining balance soon, interest comes due.  Live and learn.  Would have never anticipated the BPD or her inability to hold a job.  Never encountered such a thing.

 

I've learned a couple lessons like that.

If you ever have a chance to get in a family business... .or ... .in my case... to let my wife's extended family in on "my business" (my wife was very helpful)... but I was clearly the leader. 

Do you think... .in formflier's experience... .that I would say

a.  Say sure... come on in

b.  Laugh hysterically and RUN!

Hmmm... which one to choose... .?

OBTW... .side business is in real estate... flipping houses... .rentals... all that stuff...

At this point it is about learning my lesson.  Usually it works like this:

Wife complains of something broken, old, needing repair, etc.  "This XYZ is too old and uncomfortable.  We need a new one."

Now I know we don't *need* a new one, but knowing that my wife will be working soon or has just started a new job, I will say, "Okay.  I can see your point.  I don't like living with the old XYZ either, let's get a new one."

So, we go to the store, and buy XYZ.  Either it is under some kind of no-interest-if-paid-in-two-years credit deal, or I pay out of pocket with her promising to help me cover other expenses.

She loses job or quits.  I then don't have enough money to pay the bills she said she would help pay.

Ironically, she lived overseas for a few years.  And she was angry at the culture she was a part of, said it was very sexist.  She said when she would date men, they would often ask on the fist date how much debt she had.  She thought that was sexist.  In hindsight, her being angered by this is a HUGE red flag.  Those men were smart! 

Max, im sorry to ask, but where she had lived before?

Well, the mother of the children she was to nanny for contacted her - and now she feels terrible.  Really, really low like she is a bad, horrible person for quitting so soon.

This has forced her to examine her behavior.  That's good.  I told her that it's normal and healthy to feel how she feels and to not ignore her feelings.  That feeling bad about this is part of the process of moving on and being a better person.  I think that helped. 

This incident opened the floodgates.  She was very apologetic to me, admitting to her abuse and meanness towards me, my family, and others.  I reminded her that I know that is not who she is or wants to be.  I also reminded her that she has emotions and reactions for a reason, and that part of growing and moving forward requires us to examine our emotions and natural reactions and see where they are rooted.  I told her that her bad feelings now are necessary and part of the process, and that taking care of herself today is important, and that in time when the raw emotions fade she can examine this more in depth, and in the end she will grow from it.

I also tried to persuade her to not try and find a job right now.  All in all, I think this is a huge breakthrough.

Sounds good do you think you can guide her thoughts away from being "incapable of not keeping a job" towards choosing not to have one for now. In other words a face saver. After all it will take more than passing insight to stop it happening again

 

Max,

Looks like you had a good moment today as well... .

Nice!

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