BPDFamily.com

I am sure there a million and one posts about this on the site, but do they get back in touch 3, 4, 5 or 6 months down the line when you are "less black" in their minds or are we black forever? I am sure there is no "norm" with this are there are many different view points but would be interested in getting a consensus.

I don't know the answer to the question... I guess that someone who has BPD are also just human and when do we human contact or exes?

When we miss them, are we still angry when we miss them? I don't know... Not every DPD is the same...

Hi confused. There is no timeframe of course. And like lots of things, the answer is: 'it depends'. It depends on their level of functioning, it depends on who ended it and and how it ended, and it very much depends on how much 'supply' they are getting from others. Whether they are off having one-night stands or have a replacement lined up. They are more likely to contact you if they don't have some other arrangement in place. It depends on where you are in the 'black/white' cycle with them too of course. My exBPD has one ex that she will never contact again (she never said why but I suspect that ex couldn't got angry with her). The other I think is in extremely LC - only in emergencies for her pet.

Mine was very high-functioning. I ended it on relatively good terms. She gave me an ultimatum after I tried to talk about her behaviour that was upsetting for me. I said it was over calmly and peacefully, I didn't blame but I did point out the ultimatum. I apologized for my role in things and wished her well. I instituted NC after a few weeks and she found excuses to make contact. She said she wanted to be friends, although true friendship with someone wBPD is never really possible. I am just trying to be compassionate about her illness, so we have very LC and have caught up a few times. The push-pull behaviour is obvious though. For example, If I sound like anything other than Pollyanna in my communications with her, then she sees it as me being angry with her and then threatens not being friends.

She is never the last one to text if we are in contact. The 'friendship' is really on her terms. The longer our break-up is however, the more and more I am detatching and heading towards a point where I'm not sure I really want to be friends (we knew each other for 10 years before our r/s). The more I think I need to break even the friendship off completely, and just focus on me. It's a hard balance. For those who haven't detatched, there's the possibility of a recycle (I recycled once).

I think if you are going to have contact with them, you have to be prepared for a potential recycle and/or to be hurt by their withdrawal or the push/pull again. If you are strong enough to not take that behaviour personally, then I think contact or 'friendship' is possible, but you also have to be very very honest with yourself about why you want to do that.

Do you want to get back in touch with your ex, are you hoping for that? Cause if you do then they're not gonna. See for them it's enough to know you're still craving them, whether they actually have you or not, it doesn't matter, they have new and more exciting things to play with now. You are safely stored on the back burner. They will get back in touch when you're getting cold and don't need them anymore. Then they may put you back on the main grill for a while until you're ready to be stored again. Think about what you're doing, do you want to be a slave to that nonsense for the rest of your life?

Forget about "BPD" for a moment and ask the question - "do they get back in touch 3, 4, 5 or 6 months down the line?"

Obviously, this depends on the person, the nature of the break up, and the what is happening in their new life.

Person - Some people do not look back when a relationship ends.  Others like to maintain some contact, continuity in their life. Both parties have to have the latter mindset for there to be contact.

Break up - Contact is more likely if a breakup was amiable, or the other person did the breaking up, if the relationship was long and family was involved.  

Contact is less likely if a breakup was for cause (infidelity), or the relationship toxic, or they did the breaking up, or if the relationship was short and isolated, or a rebound relationship.

New life - Contact is more likely if the life is uncertain or taking a bad turn.  Contact is less likely if a the new life is developing in a good way.

So how does BPD affect the above?  

Maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way, but this begs the question. Why would someone "not look back" when a relationship ends? I can understand if a person was abused or treated badly. But by not looking back when a relationship ends, they are denying the existence of a person that they supposedly care/cared about. What reasons would cause someone to do that? And more importantly, do pwBPD as a group exhibit this behavior more than others?

Its a style.

I dated a very emotionally mature, intelligent women some years back and whenever a relationship was over she closed the door on it for good.  That's just who she is.

For whatever it's worth, mine contacted me numerous times 1 to 7 months after I was replaced including two offers to cheat with her on my replacement.  Of course, I declined.  She again contacted me about 26 months post relationship which was the last contact attempt.  I'm now at 39.5 months of freedom.  She also tried to re-engage a prior ex after 13 years whom she had cuckolded which was the actual word she used to me.

Some BPDs are never going to recontact while some are possibly going to do it forever.  Just knowing what mine did to that other ex after that many years makes me always ready to shoot her down just one more time.

Depends on many things.

First is how messy the breakup was,  if it's not too bad you will likely hear from them from time to time.

Second,  if they were attracted to you or not. Sometimes BPD get with people they are not attracted to just to have someone (these people usually get sex deprived during the RS) If they were attracted to you though you'll get a lot more recycle attempts or casual sex propositions.

Third is how strong you are and where you are at. If you are doing well and in a good place and "over" them your attraction level raises and you are more likely to hear from them.

it's actually just a more extreme version of regular girls imo. If your BPD ex sees you out having fun,  in better condition than she remembers and just generally not giving a damn about them anymore,  your attraction level goes through the roof and you'll hear from them.

So you never saw or talked to her again? She never got back in touch with you? I understand closing the door on a recycle or future relationship attempt. But is that the same as avoiding someone and/or acting like they don't exist?

I'm sure several of my ex's don't want to be back in a relationship with me. However, they don't avoid me or act like I don't exist. I don't know, it seems like some kind of flawed avoidance defense mechanism at play. I know no one here can answer why. But there has to be an actual reason besides, "that's who she is".

I believe 2010 explained the reason as well as I've seen it explained, the Lonely vs. Abandoned Child:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=168086.0  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=168086.0)

A brilliant post, imho

Who really is the Borderline? Someone who needed you for awhile because they were scared to be alone. 

They’re still scared. Forgive them if you can- they are modern day recreations of their own childhood fears.

I wonder if we ever get 'less black'. I am trying to remember... .its funny: my ex used to talk about 2 of her three ex's in more positive terms than negative ones. It was interesting since the criteria that she noted for breaking up with them had them pained as if they were one step away from thrashing her every day of her life (that gives me an idea of what she told her family and friends about ME during this latest recycle). We never argued... .there was no abuse. We both thought that things were going very smoothly!

The first several recycles lasted from a few hours to a couple of months but this time around it has been 3.5 so far. I am somewhat surprised that I have not yet heard from mine, She has gone through highly considerable lengths to make it difficult, if not illegal (no ppo, but she has threatened) to get in contact with her.

like you, I have been in contact and, in fact, downright friendly with just about everyone that I have ever dated. So, this situation is uncomfortable to me and adds to the confusion and hurt especially since it came from nowhere and there was no explaining after the fact.

I think the best thing to do is to stay N/C as hard as it is and get on with your life. Why wait around to see if your going to be recycled, hurt again and back in limbo wondering what they will do next? Is this a way to live your life waiting for a BPD to come around and make you feel better? It won't last unless she/he has years of therapy.

I dread the thought of dating sites again but guess it is coming. I need to get back out there and see what other than a BPD is available lol. Maybe in a month or two I will try it.

My ex is busy with replacement. Let them have their time until blow up. I do not want to be recycled, hurt again and trying to heal once more. Stopping the contact now allows me reflection time. Everyday it is hard. I still miss him but it can't be.

I met my xBPD on a dating site... .I think that the REAL culprit here is online dating!   :-)

I can safely say that Im totally removed from her life. Its like I didnt exist. Replaced in a week, never got to say good bye to her kids... poof ! Gone.

Bpd is need.

Need... .Money

Need... .Attention (good or bad)

Need... .Disregulation target

What does it spell?  :)

Disregulation Target!   lol

Don't I know that!

Fox, thanks for digging this up.  This post from 2010 should be required reading... .it explains a large percentage of what people come here for in the first place.

JRT,

Hep, I met mine online dating too. Probably filled with BPD's just awaiting a replacement fix.

Same. I had no idea what I had gotten myself into.

It's funny because basically all of her relationships have come one after another through POF.

1) Meet guy off POF

2) Get into relationship with guy off POF very suddenly

3) Break up with guy

4) Get back on POF right away to find a replacement



I think an ex is most likely to get back in touch with you when they are either not getting enough love/affection/attention from their new partner or dealing with a lot of stress and feel like venting to somebody they know. Sometimes they may even just simply miss you. But it's usually always about them.

Lol... .meanwhile I cannot get a date off of POF! lol   At least not a good one!

You a guy? It's a well known fact that women have all the power with online dating. They can be very picky because they get so many messages.

Of course... .they are insanely picky then they complain about how the guy used some old picture and is face, bald, 69 years old and just wanted to jump in the sack. Its funny how some are 'cautious' and ask for MY number and then call me without concealing their phone number! Women just don't appear to think things through when dating online.

Careful gentlemen. It is not just women. I feel the same way you guys have articulated about POF. I find there are very few 'good' dates online or in the real world. I always get their number and mine is unlisted so always comes up private. I meet them somewhere public and could tell you hilarious horror stories about the dates.  Good people are rare and precious in both sexes. So don't prejudge, give people a chance and look for unexpected people that you wouldn't normally date. Thats how I have found some success. Mind you that is how I ended up engaged to a pwBPD too.    lol Oh my the joys of dating.  *)

I haven't had any luck at all. Couple pre dates only to get a text telling me theres no chemistry. Oh well.

@Hope... .fair enough! You are totally right... .AND, Match is where I met my exBPD!  :-)

@Deeno... .its a numbers game unfortunately... .there is a lit for every pot, ya just have to try a bunch that don't fit over and over until you get the right.

PS Just came back from a date. My radar went crazy when she started to discuss her familial dysfunction.

So JRT when is it appropriate to discuss my wacky family. Because they really are and I don't really like I talk about them. But dates ask so I never k ow what and when to explain. And when and how do we explain our ex relationships?  I never know how to handle that. All advice is welcome.

Why are you going on dating sites? It's proven those sites are heavy with emotionally unstable people.

A significant factor about pwBPD contacting you and reconnecting with you is the quality and amount of pleasant and happy memories they have about your relationship before the break up.  These good memories ... (if they had  a lot and intense)... .at some point, trigger a desire in them to re-live with you once again those same moments. The chances in such situation of them contacting you become very high .

I would tell them after they have fallen in love with you and that no amount of wackiness would negate her feelings for you... .

Man, if that were the case, mine would have returned in an hour... .we had a very good relationship... .she disappeared in September and I have not heard anything from her since... .

Mine still does drive by's. No one knows for sure. I've read more on them returning than not.

I caught mine stalking me on FB... .not sure what this is a sign of... .if anything.

how do you know?

so she left some stuff here... .I put up a picture of one of the items saying that it is my New Years resolution to clean my basement and get rid of some stuff... .'I was just about to drag this old trunk that I no longer want to the curb when it had occurred to me that someone might want it. Hurry because it will be in the garbage by the weekend'

At the time, I set my profile to 'public' for this very reason: I wanted her to get used to coming so that I could sen THIS specific message. Tow days later, one of her gf's IM'd me on FB asking to come and get the trunk (it was a woman that my ex was very disdainful and greatly avoided her - I suspect that she approached closer friends who told her to be a big girl and do this like an adult). Anyway, she asked if she could pick up the trunk as a lead off sentence, the trunk was filled with family keep sake kind of stuff, priceless things. She denied my ex stalking my FB page pretty adamantly several times and even wanting to pick the property up. OK, so if SHE was not stalking me, then it must be YOU. I JUST now put the trunk picture up! <rolling my eyes> Then she went a long way to insist that she really didn't want the stuff and that I should throw it away. It was like speaking with a child (It gave me the idea that the GF just gave my ex her logon and it was my ex that I was speaking with!). There was really no getting around being caught red handed on this one... .

It odd that she is doing this since she has blocked me from communicating from her in every manner possible. This incident came after 3 months NC and an attempt for me to contact her on xmas eve was returned by a call from the cops! What gives?

There IS a way to tell who has been to your FB page for Chrome users. Though it requires some tech no how and is very time consuming.

I'm not proud of it at all, but I burned my exes things in my front yard and posted the pics online. I had no way of sending the stuff to her because she disappeared. So I got rid of it. Those people are full of drama.

I have considered this!

Can you tell the way, please?

Hurting, I can see by your past posts that you were deeply traumatized by your ex's disappearance, as I would have been. But while I feel for you, this statement is a good example of non-BPD people not able to see the dysfunction in our own behavior and projecting all onto the pwBPD. Just as many of them do. Your ex did you some serious wrong. But posting the pics of burning her stuff online is the drama.

www.geekscab.com/2014/01/how-to-track-facebook-profile-visitors.html

yes you are so right about that... I think we are close to even now.

Fantastic advice, PatientandClear ... .if we become like them, then we lose even more, we lose ourselves.  Always be the best version of yourself.  Be the strong one.

This question gets asked so many times.  All i know is they almost always try to come back.  but when is a hard guess.  the main question is what r you going to do when they do.

Mine was all of those.  No wonder I never looked back.

My ex got back in touch at 3 months by hacking into my computer and stealing pictures he had sent me. That is his way of keeping in touch but not and trying to hurt me. He took pictures of my son's wedding and another mutual friends wedding. It was shocking to go to my files and they were empty. It said zipped.

What a  sick man he has become to go to the trouble of doing this.

Oh good. Since she dumped me, I guess I won't hear from her again! Yay!

Guys they are all different, but the same if that makes sense.

not sure what you mean

If I may... .

Everyone's different, although a bunch of people exhibit traits that could be considered traits of BPD, we all know at least one of them, and it's what bonds us together on this site, the similarities, even though everyone's different.

You are right sir. Most of them are liars, most of them are cowards. Most of them are childish. They all pretty much act the same ... .But differently lol.

Pretty harsh hurting.  How's it going with your detachment and moving through that anger?

is it true though?

My ex lied a lot, but I don't consider her a liar, I consider her sick.  My ex acted like a child sometimes, but I don't consider her childish, I consider her emotionally underdeveloped because of the way other people raised her.  And my ex is one of the strongest people I've known, she has to be since her life is a living hell and she's a survivor.  But it's not about her anymore; are you on that path?  What's the next step for you?

my next step is seeing her family in court within a few weeks. And getting my child. You are stronger than me for now. I'm not rationalizing an abuser.

OK, one foot in front of the other, I hope it works out the way that is right, and we'll be here supporting regardless.  Take care of you!

me too. You take care.

It looks like it is 3 years in my personal experience

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