BPDFamily.com

I've mentioned my adult (37) son on this Board before. He was diagnosed with BPD in March/April of 2013 after a series of crazy events landed him arrested for possession, handcuffed to a bench in the State Police barracks, and suicidal that night after being released to a friend's custody. The next evening he was admitted to the local Hospital's Psych Ward for the Suicidal Ideation, and later released when he agreed to be admitted to a 21-day Intensive In-Patient Dual Diagnosis Program where he was diagnosed with BPD and given non-stop DBT and Psychiatric and Psychological Therapies. This DDx Program gave us instructions to check out this website after discharge, and that is how I found bpdfamily.

After I read non-stop for around 2 weeks--all of the Articles, Workshops and member threads regarding how my son's brain was working, and Validation, S.E.T., Radical Acceptance, etc.--I realized that putting all of those tools and techniques into practice started changing my relationship with my son at once, changing his attitude and handling of everything, making the household happier, friendlier and more fun.  By doing things the way this site advocates (using Validation, Empathy, Compassion, not JADEing, etc.), I was able to help my son make the decision to continue with Therapies to help in his recovery: Out-Patient and  Psychiatrist, and to start a new one: Neurofeedback Therapy. At this point, he wouldn't even be diagnosed with BPD anymore, though he still has Social Anxiety and is working on that.

He is now more than 22 months clean and sober from the multi-year Heroin addiction that contributed to the crazy events that led to the arrest and Suicidal Ideation that last weekend of February 2013, which in the end saved his life. He is the happiest and healthiest he has been since he was a little kid, before the undiagnosed and untreated ADD he was suffering from (before there was ever such as thing known to exist) blossomed into full-blown BPD by the time he was probably 16 or so. He is "himself" again, the gifted artist and writer who is now engrossed and engaged in writing a graphic novel and turning it, chapter by chapter, into a cartoon/movie. It will be wonderful when he finishes it, and he knows now that he will finish it.

What I realized during this journey with my son is that his Dad--my Husband--also has BPD traits. We've been married almost 41 years now, but prior to my son's diagnosis I had no idea why my Husband acted the way he did sometimes (but on a regular basis): Overreacting to perceived slights and misinterpreting my words and actions to the point of giving me the Silent Treatment every month or so (sometimes more often). Learning about BPD showed that while my son was Low-Functioning BPD, my Husband had the traits of High-Functioning BPD, and therefore "acted out" rather than "acting in" like my son. He literally almost drove me crazy at times when his explosive reactions to something I innocently said or did would come out of the blue, and nothing I said or did (before learning what I've learned about BPD) could make it better. I'd have to wait it out and hope that life would get calmer sooner rather than later.

Luckily for me, the things I've learned dealing with my son were exactly the same things I needed to put into practice with my Husband once I realized that he was just on the opposite side of the same coin as my son. I realized that if I could put in the effort and love and time into understanding my son, and dealing with him correctly, I could (and should) do the same thing with my Husband. The unconditional love I have for my son was a model for the unconditional love and effort I needed to have for my Husband. Prior to all of this, as the kids were growing up and even after they were grown, I always treated my kids one way, but assumed that my Husband was a "grown-up" and he "should know better" and I resented having to treat him like the kids. I wanted an equal partner, who could buck up and be "reasonable" like I was (ahem   ) and I really didn't feel the need to accommodate him and his "moods" in any way.

Now I realize that I invalidated him, hurt his feelings, and angered him with that attitude. I JADED (Justified, Argued, Defended, Explained myself) when I shouldn't have, escalating his dysregulations unnecessarily, and truly made things worse rather than better, over and over and over again for almost 39 years of marriage. In the end, treating my Husband exactly the way I dealt with my son's symptoms and behaviors that came along with BPD, has made my marriage 100% better and happier. And we are really going to ring in our 41st Anniversary this year in the best shape ever for us :)