BPDFamily.com

So, I have been meaning to join this community for several months... .and am finally doing it.

I have been in and out of a relationship with a man with BPD for 2.5 years. This has been my first experience with anyone with BPD. For about a year, I had no idea if we were in or out of the relationship. It was so up and down, black and white.  I get so frustrated when we would have a huge blowout argument and then 20 minutes later he acted like nothing happened. I thought I was losing my mind. (Mind you, I had gotten divorced, and this was my first real trip into relationship world again). I did everything I could to make him happy. He was Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. It was the best of times and the worst. But eventually I got fed up with him looking for sex on the internet and having questionable relationship with other women, so I left. I was heart broken. I have never loved anyone so much as I loved him. He was like a crack addiction. I adored him... .and I still do.

After our breakup, he would still contact me. We'd have a blowout and stop talking to each other for 3 weeks. then he'd contact me again, and in my broken-heartedness, I would respond. Then we'd get together... .have a blowout... .stop talking to each other. Repeatedly for months. After about 6 months of this, I found out that all that time he had a serious girlfriend when he told me he was single. (I was single but went on dates here and there with other people- nothing came of any of them. Most of the time I found myself sitting there wishing that dude was my BPD man). When I found out about his girlfriend, I was completely devastated. He made me into the one thing I hated the most--- the other woman (I am divorced because of another woman).  I suffered PTSD, I lost most of my hair, I was in a constant state of anxiety and panic attacks. How could he do that to me? and to her!  He told me he left her. we'd start talking again- and then I'd find out he didn't leave her at all. and this exact cycle went on for about 4 months.

Finally now, he left her about 4 months ago. He has been pursuing me and I have reciprocated. WHY? I HAVE NO IDEA! I divorced a man and father of my child who seemingly did much less! Why can't I say no to him?  I truly love and adore him, but don't I love myself too?

So here I am... .2.5 years after meeting him. I can't figure out what to do.

Tonight, we are supposed to go to dinner and discuss getting back together. I am completely on the fence. I want a mature, secure relationship. I think he has grown and changed- but I do not think that he is capable of a mature relationship.  I do not believe he is capable of caring about someone more than himself. And I do not think he is capable of receiving love and relaxing and being emotionally comfortable in a relationship. Are there BPD's out there who can relax and be secure and give a sense of security to their partner?  Are there BPDs that don't cheat and lie? 

All of my friends are tired of listening to me- and frankly I have lost some because they think I am nuts. They say "why don't you just stop talking to him", "Why don't you just get over him"... .and all I know to say is- it's not that easy. I am really good at dumping people... .this guy is just different.   

I realize the above probably doesn't make sense... .it is a stream of consciousness and I am just putting it all out there... .probably like most first timers just trying to get it off my chest... .and this is just the reader's digest version because there is soo much to it.

so i just don't know what to do. I am miserable without him... .i've tried that. he's the half of me i wish i didn't need.

Hi Cloudten,

Welcome aboard. I am sorry that you are going through such a difficult time.

It is very hard to cope with such erratic and confusing behavior from someone. It can make you feel like you are "going crazy."

You mentioned having PTSD and panic attacks/anxiety, how are coping with that?  Are you seeing a therapist? 

What are you expecting from him when you meet with him?  Do you think your expectations are plausible?

BPD is a spectrum disorder, so there is behavior that may be strongly exhibited in one person and not so much in another person. The behavior truly varies and is individualized. I cannot answer your question about cheating and lying.

So, I saw a therapist for about 6 months last year... .when he and I were in the on and off NC phase... .before I knew he was BPD. She gave me horrible advice that i didn't realize was horrible at the time- she told me to talk to him. So I did what she said. I love him. I missed him. I wanted to be with him. So I talked to him... .and this is where it has gotten me. 

I would like to go back to therapy- and I found a group (not my therapist from before) that deals with a lot of BPD relationships/fallout. I am having some logistical issues trying to get to the group- but I hope to have that worked out in the next couple weeks. Now that I better know what the issues are, I can address them a little more effectively in therapy. Before I knew he was BPD, I just knew there was something wrong with him/us... .but I just thought he was psychotic or bipolar. But he perfectly fits the BPD from self harm, drugs, turbulent relationships, eating disorder, black/white thinking, rages, etc.  I thought I was the only one- and I thought I was crazy. But being in here and reading all of this... .its all him.

So now I am confused. I read the success stories and I want for that to be us. And I read the horror stories and I want to run run run as far away as possible. I love him more than life itself, and I just don't know if I can handle this. So, in effect, I would make his fear of abandonment reality if I leave. Abandonment is not what love is... .but neither is projecting or verbal abuse.

I still have so much to learn. I'm not sure what dysregulation is. I am not sure of some of the terminology.

So I did meet with him last night. I expected a rather fun evening as we decided to re-enter into this relationship. We had agreed to celebrate.  It was anything but fun. The meal he ordered at the restaurant was awful (it was pretty bad), but of course that was a disaster to him. He was in a foul mood and said it was work stress.  When this kind of stuff happens, I just shut up because everything I say makes it worse. So, we finally got back to my place and I put on a motorcycle race on tv... .a distraction with something he loves. And he gradually eased up. But it was not anything close to the type of evening I thought we would have... .and I really truly don't think I have high expectations. I have known him for 2 years---- so I generally know what to expect from him. But despite that, I have to admit I was still disappointed.  I am having buyers remorse this morning for agreeing to be back together with him. I think mentally I am committing to trying this again for 2-3 months... .but I think emotionally I already want out. But I know that it will bring heartache beyond belief to be without him. So conflicted.

Learning about the disorder truly helps coping with the behavior.  As you learn more about BPD,  you will find that the erratic and confusing behavior is something that was learned during your SO's childhood. Emotional dysregulation is the incapability of a pwBPD to control or regulate their emotions. In essence, a pwBPD will be highly emotionally sensitive to certain feelings, primarily negative emotions.  A pwBPD will react intensely to certain emotional situations.

I can understand that you would want to not say anything when your pwBPD is in a foul mood. Actually, there are communication tools that are designed to help.  Here is an article to help you get started. 

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth (https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict)

I understand the internal conflict you are having.    The decision to continue the relationship should be based on what you want. Take some time to read the lessons on the right hand side of this page. The lessons are very helpful for internal conflict. Taking care of yourself and focusing on you will help with the conflict as well.

Thanks!  Seems like he is in a constant state of dysregulation. Last 2 evenings he was amazing... .but   will return I'm sure. Thanks again!