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It's been quite a while since I last posted on this board. Things were excellent with my uBPDbf for the past year. The time in between the downward spirals has been so long that it started to play with my head-Does he really have BPD? Will this not happen again because things have been so good? HA!

When I agreed to marry him, I knew that this would be a challenge I have to accept. I accepted it, and I still accept it, but unfortunately that does not make it any less hurtful. Since it has been a year since the last spiral, I got used to feeling comfortable in our relationship and forgot initially how not to take things personally. We got engaged a little over half a year ago, have been on a big family vacation with my family, and he just spent the holidays with us as well. Usually I would think, TRIGGERS!, but we got through everything really well.

The spiral came out of nowhere (as always), and was almost verbatim the things he has said to me in the past. Verbose, obscure reasons on why we are not meant to be each other. He is fully of energy and I live pathetically. Etc, etc. Everything leaves me with the thought, "... .wait... .what?" He starts these episodes the same way: things are good in person, moments before he is talking about how amazing I am and how he can't wait to marry me, some small trigger (me putting something not clean in the dirty hamper) makes him upset, I leave to go to work---I am bombarded with long paragraph text messages. It is always always the same.

I reacted the wrong way at first. I defended myself, I tried to rationalize, I told him he could not keep doing this to me, I told him I would do anything to make him happy... .Ugh. Of course this only brought heartache and made things worse. Then my dad was put in the ICU so I felt it right to let uBPDbf know this. He responded initially saying he would keep him in his thoughts. I have updated him twice since then, but no response.

I decided to go NC for now. We don't live together currently. I don't feel like contacting him because it will be some more BS he spits at me. The whole being engaged things makes it more tricky. Planning a wedding? How is one supposed to do that? Have a plan B and c? Even though he has said things like "Keep the ring as repayment," I am still wearing it because nothing has changed in regard to our relationship to ME, only in his head... .So I don't know.

I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. Any insight?

 

NC is a good way to go.

If you do decide to reach out... .make sure it is a "bland" even message.  "I'm concerned... .what time will we meet?

Something that he hopefully has to answer without using just a yes or no.

Sounds like there is no history here on what is successful in breaking this issue and understanding it.

Have you read the lessons lately?

I don't have any great insight.  It seems like this is just the way he is, and this is how it's gonna be.

I had been wedding planning with my BPDex-fiancee.  What a joke.  The destination location changed like 3 times.  Literally different continents.  If I made any suggestions she would flip out.  So then I said, "Ok, whatever you say, I'm on board 100% with however you'd like it to be."  I said this in a kind and genuine voice -- and I meant it.  I thought my open attitude would stop the fighting, yet she still tried to keep fighting about what venue, etc.  I said, "Hey, I am not fighting, whatever you say."  Her response: "I don't believe that."  It was like she was having a fight with herself!  I think she was even more pissed that I wouldn't fight about the wedding details.  And then of course she went all over town telling everyone about how we had so much conflict over wedding planning and how wedding planning is so stressful.  One by one her friends began saying that they wouldn't purchase tickets to fly to wherever it was scheduled to be.  Even though I am very outgoing and keep in touch with a lot of people, I think the wedding would have had like 5 attendees if it actually happened -- in fact, we probably would have just had to go to the courthouse.  I had planned to tell my friends who were considering purchasing tickets: "There is a 50% chance the plans will change."  Ultimately, I know my ex would have started making ridiculous demands once all the wedding details were pinned down and friends were in flight -- thank goodness I managed to avoid being in that position. 

Engagement is an agreement to plan on being married and also a time to see how the relationship will go once you have made this "almost married" comitment. This is because marriage is such a huge comitment, that being engaged gives either party the opportunity to decide "this isn't for me" and end it without the complications of breaking a marriage.

Looking to what to do about your fiance will not be as effective as looking at yourself. Do you want to marry this person?   Marriage is not about how you are when times are great. Those are the easy times. It's also about how you two will be when times are not so great. Sometimes the trigger doesn't seem obvious, but there is a stressor- perhaps your fathers illness has resulted in emotional changes in you that are not about him, but he may not perceive it that way. If you two can't plan a wedding together, then how will you plan to buy a home, make decisions about your children, and other issues. Look at his behavior about your father in the ICU. Is this the kind of response you would wish for in a spouse?

This isn't about whether he wants to marry you or not. You need to decide what you want. Marriage doesn't change who he is. Is this the person you wish to be the father of your children if you have them? Ask yourself these questions. Consider even getting yourself a therapist to help you sort them out if you are having difficulty.

She was... .lots of internal conflicts and contradictions in a pwBPD traits life. 

If she is unsuccessful in "pinning" those conflicts on someone else... then she has to deal with them herself.  That is unpleasant... .

PD or no PD, maybe you are just not meant for eachother.  I remember this high school friend of mine who went through relationships ... once in a year or two.  She said something that stuck in my head... ."love is not supposed to be this hard.  if it is hard, then it is probably not the right one."  I used to think and believe that you have to work hard for true love... .as I aged and matured, I started to agree that perhaps, true love shouldn't have to work so hard for.  I think we all make the mistake thinking that we have invested so much ... .but sometimes it is not salvageable. 

This is one way of looking at these relationships, but I'm not so sure that I see them this way.  I think true love can overcome just about anything.  An exception seems to be BPD.

I think both of you are right in a sense, Pou and Tim.  All relationships take work.  The question is how much work is too much.  It can be a fine line.

To the OP's original question, that sounds like a tricky place to be.  NC is of course the standard advice, but you're supposed to be planning a wedding. Obviously you can't maintain NC for an indeterminate time (especially if you've already set a date), so you definitely need some sort of plan beyond NC for some point in the future.

I think all relationships do take work.  But when one partner doesn't have empathy for another partner and putting gamesmanship above building a meaningful relationship, then you know you have problems and it is time to check out.  Or sometimes, people with emotional issues they can not help themselves or in this case PDs are with character flaws … I think if you encounter a PD, it is best to cut your losses early.  I didn't do that because I didn't know there is a such thing as PD and now I know, that would be the advice that I would give to a younger self.  Sometimes it is dangerous to "expect" that everyone is destined to have a "true love".  It is like equating to expecting everyone will be a millionaire or a billionaire.  I think to keep your head screw on straight is not to expect true love … and then you may just find it. 

It is amazing that pwBPD seem to enjoy gamesmanship above meaningful relationships.  I agree with this observation.

And yes, I also now know to cut my losses early when I see a PD.  I was so naive about PDs, I really had no idea about them.  I thought crazy people were easy to spot -- the folks who talk to themselves and shake while walking down the street. 

I posted this message on the staying board because I have made the decision to stay. I understand that BPD is part of who he is. I accept that and I am CHOOSING that. It may seem ridiculous to others, but that is okay. I am not doing it because I am afraid to be alone. I am not doing it because I am scared I won't find anything better. I am doing it because I want a life with him, disorder and all. I have been through a lot of therapy and I know now that I do not need him to make me happy. But I want him as my partner, and I choose him, and I accept the ___ that comes with it... .(It's okay if you are shaking your heads in shame... .)

It is nice to speak with people who understand what I am going through and who are also working to better their understanding of their partner and their relationship. I was hoping to speak with others about their experiences with the silent treatment and how they get through it/their partner gets through it, etc. That did not really relay in my original post and I apologize.

I appreciate everyone's responses, just was not expecting all the "cut your losses early" suggestions when posting on the staying board.

Hi Newkate, sorry that the discussion did inadvertently go in that direction.  I have to say that I respect you tremendously for making your decision to stay, and I appreciate that you know fully what this entails.  I love my BPDex-fiancee unconditionally and would have stayed with her almost no matter what (BPD and any other flaws or potential flaws).  I believe in loving an adult partner unconditionally especially once a serious commitment like engagement or marriage is made.  My BPDex-fiancee demanded to go separate ways, and shortly before this she made very serious, traumatic threats to me, including a detailed death threat.  I declined what might have been a couple subtle recycle attempts (it wasn't clear).  So now I am single.  To clarify my earlier statements: going forward I will be much more vigilant about PDs from the outset of meeting anyone.  My hat is off to you and I hope your pwBPD appreciates what a great person you are.  

Hi NewKate, 

I understand how frustrating and difficult your situation is.    

I have gone NC for a brief period with my pwBPD.  Similar to your bf, my pwBPD was severely dysregulating and was being triggered quite often.  I got similar responses  when I was trying to contact him. My bf was saying hurtful things because, he was projecting.

Instead of constantly triggering him, I decided having a period of NC was good for me to center myself, focus on myself, and heal a little bit. Also, I found that constantly reaching out when he was dysregulating make my bf feel engulfed or even more overwhelmed than usual.

FF has a valid point, if you do reach out to your bf, make sure you do not speak about feelings/emotions or expectations. Keeping it simple truly helps during periods of dysregulation. The main thing is you do not want to add more fuel to their emotional fire.  I would sent him a text every once in awhile with something simple as "I love you and I hope you are doing well." I wanted to let him know that I was still there for him.

Although I was aware of BPD behavior prior to my NC stint, I started reading and learning about effective ways to communicate and more about the behavior.  As FF said, re-reading the lessons and communication tools are essential during periods of NC.

Slowly my bf and I started having somewhat more "normal conversations." I made sure to use SET and validate him throughout the entire process. For awhile it was a progression of inches. Patience is essentially during periods of dysregulation.

Is your bf being currently treated?