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Hi all, I have no idea what's going on with my husband?   The silent treatment isn't new, it's something I am very experience in but always following a row (although often minor row).   For the last 3 nights he's come home from work, sat in another room and not even come in to say hello.  There had been no row, no events at all that might have caused this! He text a general text this morning which I didn't respond to.  I have no idea what's triggered this, or what (if anything) I have done?

My question is how to respond, I can't pretend this is ok, I can't challenge it because he just gets angry.  I don't even know if I want to stay - I love him but deserve so much more! 

Have you tried talking to him?  Maybe he's upset about something and just wants you to ask him what's bothering him, with the hope that you might apologize to him.  Maybe he want reaffirmation that you love him.

What was in his text? Did it require a response. It was a form of communication.

So is the ST and so is what he is doing, but it is one that keeps him in control. He's gonna do what he's gonna do. Maybe he will tell you and maybe not, but as long as you are in the dark, guessing, feeling uncomfortable, he gets to decide what he wants to do and you have no choice over that.

It is a form of abuse. It actually negates your presence as a person.

How to handle this? All of this, being ignored, raged at, whatever, is their choice of behavior. We can't change it. All we can do is speak our truth and decide what we are going to do.

You can say, "I love you and care about you, and I have no idea what is going on. I trust that you will tell me when you choose to. Until then, I have to carry on with my routine. Then do what you need to do- leave the house, move to the spare bedroom, do something you enjoy, anything to keep your sanity.

The strangest thing I probably did was go to bed with headphones on. It broke my heart that my H was ignoring me and shutting me out at the time. I figured that listening to a talk show on tape would at least fill the void of someone talking to me. I knew nothing about what may have been going on, or the idea of self care, or even if it was a good idea to do this. I just felt that if I didn't hear a human voice I would be so lonely.

I'm lucky in the fact that my dBPDh doesn't do a silent treatment on me, but he will get quiet/withdrawn after a dysregulation. Was there a rage incident at all prior to this?

I would just ask him. Ask him in a way that's non-confrontational. "Sweetheart, I've noticed you have been really quiet lately. Is there something bothering you? Is there something I can do to help?"

Most likely with it being a few days now... .you are going to open up a rage. Stay calm. Stay on topic and do not let any bile he says affect you. It's not you, it's coming from a dark place in himself. That's not to say sit there and take it. If he starts yelling and being verbally abusive, be prepared to tell him you would love to hear what he has to say, but you are not going to with that tone or language. Get up and leave the room, or the home if you need to just make sure to tell him you will be back at X time.

I have read that this is punitive; that being the case he is punishing you for something.

This very well could be the reason.

Hi thanks for your replies, no there was no rage to cause this, the first evening he text me on the way home saying he was going to cook something nice for tea, I replied positively but half hour later I got another saying have your tea, I'm not hungry, that was it the change!

I can't talk to him because it makes him rage, I'd rather have ST than raging.   He left for work this morning and still hasn't spoke.  Yesterday's text was just stating he was expecting a parcel, no question.   I'm sick of being there at his beck and call, it's like I'm a toy that he puts in a box and forgets about but expects it to be there and working when he decides he wants to play with it again!

It's really hard, really sad!  Feeling very down today and annoyed with myself that I let his moods affect me.   Last night he came to bed sighing and banging around, I know what he's trying to do as he's done it so many times before, he pushes me until I react, then blames my reaction for how he's feeling and makes me feel as though I'm the worse wife in the world!  I'm determined not to react, last two days he's turned the heating off when he leaves for work, this hacks me off as it's another controlling tactical - so instead, I dont react, I just turn it back on and don't say anything.  I wonder how far he will go to push me?   

I can't ask my H what is going on either. He won't tell me, or he will rage. Actually, when he is raging, it's about the only time he will tell me what is going on with him, but many times it is in the moment, and I don't know if what he says is really what he means. I think people in relationships can have disagreements, but there are ways to work these things out. It isn't something that is done well for us.

You can vent here, or to a therapist. In general, people choose a behavior because it works some way for them. The ST works so well in many ways as they have control of the situation. How far he continues this is as much as he wants to. Your ignoring it at least lets him know it isn't working to get to you.

Yes, just turn the heat back on. Maybe get one of those little space heaters for yourself to stay warm when you get home as it can heat up a small room quickly. Keep it with you in the car when you go to work and plug it in when you get home.

Sadsue, there's some information on this board about Silent Treatment if you haven't had a chance to read the material yet:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70004.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68733.0

Yes, that article is spot on. It has broken the intimacy to a certain extent for me. I'm at the point of growing in my own direction now. I don't know what this means for the future. We function well at the general, not too intimate,level and that may be all that the marriage is- one of mutual function at that level and no more. I really think it is a fear and "power over" position for my H. For me, though, it's not withholding- but a resignation that it isn't going to change until he decides it will, and that isn't looking like anytime soon. Every attempt I have made to connect with him emotionally has failed, and so, I don't want to keep trying at the moment. I need to put my energy into another direction- deciding what my own interests are after making the kids and home my focus for years. They always will be important, but they are getting older and growing into their own lives too.

Question: mine left me (suddenly and abruptly) and has blocked me from contact... .I have not spoken to her at all... .is this an extension - if you will - of the silent treatment or just a variation on a theme as far as a b/e is concerned?

I'm sorry this happened to you, JRT. It's common for them to cut someone off like that and carry one like they never even knew you. It's their way of protecting themselves emotionally, but it's brutally painful for the rest of us

There is no question; this has hurt badly. But the question is; is this a cycle for them? A punishment that lasts X day, weeks or months similar to what is described in this thread, only apart?

I just got the book "loving the borderline" and I browsed through it. A part that caught my eye is their lack of emotionality when a relationship ends, and their acting like it was nothing.

The book talks about their feelings of emotional losses and grief that is so painful, and so excrutiatingly painful at the loss of a person - for any reason, that they completely detatch from it and act cold.

When I was a kid, my mom would use the ST on us. It was awful. She will also decide to cut someone out of her life when she is mad at them and then come around when she calms down.

When my father died, she went cold as a rock. It completely freaked me out. I have known other widows who cry for months. I cried for months. I was a complete mess after my dad died. My mom acted like nothing happened at first. I realize now that this had to be the ultimate abandonment for her.

Although my first thoughts at the time were how cold hearted is that, I realize now that it was a paradoxical response to a very painful event. She is starting to talk about him now, say she misses him, but could not say it then.

This may be the way some people leave a relationship and manage the loss.

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So is the coldness simply an act? Are they REALLY feeling the pain inside or does something buffer them from from feeling it so that it is really not felt at all?

It sounds as if you Mom is beginning to at least talk about it. Is that to say that she is just now coming to terms with it?

It's hard to say what is going on. It just was not the reaction I expected. It makes sense that she would cut herself off from feelings that are that painful. It's tough enough for anyone to handle. I think now that time has passed she may not have to do this.

As to how much a pwBPD is feeling hurt feelings, I think dissociating from them is a way of coping.

I don't know for sure but I don't think the coldness is as much an act as how they manage feelings however I think the ST is a conscious act while dissociation is not.