BPDFamily.com

If any of you guys have been reading any of my topics regarding my past relationship you would know that it wasn't any easy ride when it came to finding closure.  I recently posted about speaking to a BPD sufferer on a different forum asking questions that i hoped would clear the FOG.  I will copy and paste her 2nd response to the few questions that I asked, her response was as follows:

  It makes me so incredibly happy and thrilled that I was able to help!

As for the whole picture thing, I assume that this boyfriend may not mean that much to her. This is quite laughable, but I'm very sensitive and picky to what I post online, ESPECIALLY when previous boyfriends of mine can see it. She probably didn't tell you about her new boyfriend because she only thinks her new boyfriend and whatever emotions she feels for him are real whenever they are physically together. I did that a few times; I would be dating someone, but whenever they weren't literally with me, it would feel like they never existed. I believe this is another part of the disorder whenever BPD sufferers always have to be with someone or that person doesn't feel real. I believe this ties in with attachment and abandonment issues.

She doesn't want her new boyfriend to associate with you at all most likely because she doesn't want to bring you up anymore. After my previous breakup, I would always avoid talking about ex as much as possible because it would bring back all of the hurt emotions if I didn't. I believe she uses him as a representation in her life as moving on, and due to all of the pain she has experienced with her emotions towards you and the breakup, I doubt she would want to mix those two things together because it would make her feel that pain again.

She will most likely try to contact you again. Depending on how it makes her feel when she attempts to contact you will determine whether it happens more frequently or not. If she does contact you though, it will most likely result in her only blocking you again.

You are still on her mind, but I think additionally that she doesn't want you to be on her mind. I do believe she goes through phases of truly wanting to move on, and she also goes through phases of wanting to go back. I feel like she tries to contact you whenever she wants to go back to you, and she'll block you after because she then remembers that she wants to move on because that pain she was feeling (and possibly is still currently feeling) is unbearable.

I must add that she will truly move on eventually. One day, she will no longer feel the hurt from the breakup as severe as before. She won't think about it constantly. She'll be able to bring you up because she knows all of that is truly in her past. I think she still believes that there is a chance for y'all, which is why she is blocking you and cutting you off entirely. If she thinks there's still a chance, then she thinks there is also a chance for her to go through all of that hurt again, and that hurt is probably the thing that she is trying her hardest to avoid.

After my previous breakup, it was so incredibly difficult to even mention my ex's name. Any time someone would bring him up, I would feel this heaviness in my chest that was too overpowering. After I had genuinely moved on, I didn't have a problem with talking about him at all. In fact, I eventually unblocked him on all the sites he had been blocked on and I actually followed him on a few of his social media accounts (which was an incredibly large jump from not even being able to speak about him). I never tried to contact him again because I had moved on and I didn't feel it was worth it to open that wound again because I didn't want to risk feeling all of that pain again because I guessed that it would most likely come back. Also, a lot of my emotions for him had toned down so I didn't even feel like talking to him just because there was no point for me. I must mention that it took a good long while to move on, but I did it.

Again, I'm glad I could previously help and I do hope that I can help you again.


So why am I posting this?

I know everybody is an individual, but, if you can relate to some of these behaviors from your exes, It has left me to believe that, when we are blocked and cut off its down to emotional pain they cant face (we already know this) but, Its made me come to the following conclusion:

When an ex BPD adds us back as friend on social media or texts us without the need to block us it is because they are now indifferent towards us, and the pain they once felt has finally gone.  Where as, when your ex reaches out then either blocks you or ignores you its because they are probably still very much attached to us.  It doesn't matter if theres a new person in their life or even married, the point Im making here is this.  When a BPD can finally add you back on social media or text us without pushing us away, then and only then can we say that they have truly moved on.  The ones that call then block, or text then ignore are the ones that still want to go back to us BUT they are to scared of the emotional pain they once endured towards us.   

Thank you very much   

This gal doesn't sound that far out there, pretty self aware.  I've seen the end of relationships the same way she does: when a relationship hasn't worked all of my emotions about her and what we went through are negative and strong, and I just need to be somewhere else for a while.  I don't think I'm unique in that.  And then, with time, depending on the relationship and the person, the emotions wane and I can think about her, even see her, and no big deal, I've even become friends with a couple of exes.  It is about letting go and moving on, and once that's done, it's all good.  But my borderline ex?  No way.  The emotions have waned, but anyone, male or female, who treats me the way she did is not welcome in my life, ever.

Anyway, you're really digging jammo, and good for you.  I don't like social media personally, I think it creates more problems and wastes more time than it's worth, but hey, I'm old.  I don't think there are hard and fast rules regarding borderline rules for social media and texting, but digging there seems to be giving you come peace, and congrats for developing a positive relationship with a borderline online.  Take care of you!

Not a word in that paragraph considering his feelings, his needs or his privacy. It's all me, me, me.

Shes a recovering BPD sufferer Heels, so im guessing she has become much more aware of her actions towards others.  Yeah I can agree and relate to you regarding "ive seen the end of relationships the same way" But from extensive reading, and i know for a fact you may also know this to but, we all have different personality traits.  For example, humans dont like the feeling of being alone or ignored, but BPD sufferers have much more dramatic highs and lows when compared to us Nons.  For example, I have blocked one of my exes in the past, not because I was using any kind of silent treatment, it was solely used because I still loved her and seeing her would hurt me, BUT, I did not reach out by calling and texting her because just like a BPD it would have upset me.  The difference here is this, I blocked because I still loved emotionally so in essence it was used as NC to heal.  My ex maliciously blocked me, BUT she then tried to contact me 4 months down the line, so what that BPD woman said makes perfect sense, she was probably testing her emotions by reaching out.  A mature person or Non would have reached out in the hope the other party would call them back and contact would initiate.  But in the case of the BPD these intense feelings of emotions makes them panic because it becomes overwhelming.  What Im trying to get at here because your a very knowledgeable guy is this:

When a Non like my self initiates contact, im merely sending a subconscious signal to the other party that I want a reply or to at least hear back from them (answer my question)  The Borderline, wants to reach out but they feel the lows so strongly that they feel that they need to push us away (block us again)  so with that in mind it would suggest that, the BPD in this situation is still attached to us emotionally and that (just like the BPD woman stated) their emotional regulation becomes impulsive, wanting to move forward because the pains to great, or wanting to move back because they miss us, or at least want to hear from us in some way, shape or form.         

Great observation there! I just noticed that after you highlighted it, I respect her in a way because shes a recovering borderline so she was only talking about her past within this paragraph when her behavior was a lot worse.  Its nice to read a BPD sufferer whos no longer in denial and is able to open up without triggering herself anymore. 

Yes, that makes sense jammo, all about emotional regulation.  I like to consider the unstable sense of self too; floating around not sure who you are, weathering the next emotional storm, letting it clear, and then being hit by another, like a tumbleweed in a tornado.  I can relate to that because I've been there at different points of my life, the lostness of youth, and it makes me shudder to imagine what it would be like full time.

I'll second what Mr Hollande said, I read a lot of that as solely about her.  Not once does she mention her ex in a way that shows concern for him or his well being. 

I also don't read her comments about moving on as all that accurate.  It doesn't sound like she's moved on, despite what she may say.  It's funny that she even discusses moving on from her ex's the same way mine did.  She even used the phrase "genuinely moved on."  Mine talked about being genuine constantly.  It's almost like she thought that if she said it enough, she would actually be genuine.  Maybe I'm biased from my side of the fence but I don't read her comments at all in the way I think she intends them.

And there's no point in talking to her ex because she didn't feel like it?  She had moved on? What does that even mean?  Why unblock him then?  That's not my understanding of indifference.  That's curiosity veiled under the guise of saying you are indifferent.  That's her sizing him up to see where he is now in life and what he's up to in order to gauge whether or not she should reach out.  If one is truly indifferent, one would keep them blocked and let that be that.  I read the unblocking as their way of keeping tabs as they can never truly let go.  They block initially to move forward and distract themselves with other people.  Then as that initial pain has worn off or subsided or they've just covered it up with someone else, they get curious.  Maybe they're unhappy wherever they are so they start thinking about the past and they begin to wonder what life would be like with an ex and before you know it, that guy that was once painted oh so black is now white again.  There's no such thing as indifference in their black and white world.  You are either good or bad.  There's no room for just meh. 

I know first hand that my ex did this.  When she left, she forgot that all of her social media nonsense was still on my computer.  Naturally, I was curious and went digging. It's odd because even though I could have checked this info whenever I wanted in the past, I had never done it while we were together. But what I found hurt deeply at first but now I view it as more confirmation to stay far, far away from people like this.  She had kept tabs on a lot of her ex's.  She had reached out to them periodically throughout our marriage and relationship.  Mostly chit chat, reliving inside jokes, asking how they are and what they are up to.  She always started off by talking about running into someone or something that reminded her of them then followed it up with a "we should grab a drink sometime."  To my knowledge, she never acted on this but nothing would surprise me at this point. 

Maybe it's just me but I think that's really off the wall behavior.  I've never done that with any of my ex's.  But what was even weirder to me was that these were the same people whom she vilified to me early on.  These were the people I was "rescuing" her from, that had treated her so poorly and caused her so much pain.  One had even supposedly raped her.  Yet here are loads of facebook messages and e-mails to them as if everything is just dandy between her and them.  It was very, very strange.  And after she left, she replaced me with one of the ex's in which she re-initiated contact.  How that guy won the "recycle" lottery with my ex is a different discussion but I for one do not intend on purchasing any tickets.


And Jammo, I don't mean to be poo-pooing on the pwBPD that's communicating with you.  I commend her for dealing with her issues and as others have said, she does seem very self-aware.  I just hear a lot of the same things in her responses that I heard from my ex.  All talk.  Never the actions that back it up.  And I see the same sorts of contradictions between talk and actions with this person you have been corresponding with and my ex.  I wish her well though and I hope that she continues to be a helpful source of information for you.

 

This is why I posted it, because this is a forum for NONs, so I was intending to either help others see things from a BPD perspective while at the same time hoping that If they could relate to these words or actions they would understand what might be going on in that persons head.  I also posted it for a debate, so all opinions and insight is whats needed here.  I want others to read what was stated and either disagree with a reason why, or agree and use an ex as an example to back up such behavior.

See I disagree with the indifference solely because, I personally think that when someone is blocked or cut off drastically its because we meant more to them than others, In my experience I felt that, she hated me for controlling her emotions, she hated the fact that I could make her cry over the most trivial things, she also pushed me away because she came to rely on me emotionally, physically and financially, she was losing the control she tried ever so hard to keep.  Where as, with other exes they would chase and be held at arms length, communication was acceptable but intimacy wasn't.  Personally when I unblock somebody its because I have become indifferent towards that person.  For example I blocked my ex before my current ex for 2 years, I added her back after I split up with my ex and shes like my best girl mate now, she has a long term BF and I would do literally anything for her as a friend.  Keeping someone blocked is a sign that it would take to much negative emotion to begin any kind of communication again, so I have to agree with what that woman said in relation to unblocking when feeling indifferent.

Remember all opinion is based on personal experience, so lets get a debate going :D      

jammo1989:  Thank you so very much for posting this insightful response from a woman who has suffered with BPD.  It is quite enlightening to see her reasoning in this from a BPD perspective.  I would like to hear more of these firsthand BPD perspectives, as I think they can be helpful to those of us desperately trying to make some form of sense out of it all.

The below quote from this BPD woman speaks volumes:

"I think she still believes that there is a chance for y'all, which is why she is blocking you and cutting you off entirely. If she thinks there's still a chance, then she thinks there is also a chance for her to go through all of that hurt again, and that hurt is probably the thing that she is trying her hardest to avoid."

Depending on how one looks at it, I guess it can be seen as a compliment of sorts to be coldly cut off and blocked out of a BPD persons life, with interpreting this as them still having strong feeling towards us that are difficult for them to deal with.  Thus the over reactive behavior towards us.

EXACTLY! That is why you should see it as a blessing, you left an impact on her so intense emotionally that she had to block you and cut you off completely, this goes hand in hand why they also tend to delete mutual friends on Facebook as well, because they simply remind her if you.  Furthermore, the more reckless their behavior after cutting you off the more they are trying to get you out of their head its an attachment disorder remember.  MY ex blocked me replaced me instantly and got pregnant 2 months into her new relationship, a normal uneducated individual would react like this:

Clinically depressed, chasing her saying why? winding themselves up

An educated individual would react like this:

Wow I didnt know I was that special, I must have been a right catch for her to partake in impulsive behavior solely to cause a distraction to the emotional pain they felt towards US

 

Cheers.  It's always interesting to get a fresh perspective on things.  I hope my post didn't discourage you from posting anything, that was not my intention at all.  |iiii


I'll quote a line in particular that jumped out at me in her response to you.


The bolded above is a complete contradiction.  How can someone move on but still be so very aware an unhealed wound?  That's not indifference, and that's most certainly not the talk of someone who has "genuinely moved on."  Or at least it's not to me.  Even her follow up sentence about her emotions having "toned down" doesn't make any sense given that just a few words before she expressed her fears of "feeling all of that pain again."  That's not the talk of someone that has moved on or someone that is indifferent to his or her ex.  That's the talk of someone who still fosters a strong attachment to a former partner.

As for the blocking aspect of things.  I'll preface it with saying that despite being in the generation that has grown up with social media, I'm not really all that into it.  It seems very impersonal to me but I get its value and I get that it plays a huge part in the lives of most of our ex's since they seem to really get hung up on alternative realities to those of their own.  

At first, I agree with you. Blocking is a way to create space, to heal, to adhere to NC, and to some degree, to hide.  I think it's often a necessary and very healthy tactic to use when trying to recover from a nasty break up, whether you are breaking up with a cluster B or a non.  But with that said, there comes a point that you think less and less about them.  I suppose this is what you are calling indifference?  When the pain of the break up has worn off and you can think about your ex without feeling all of those?  I guess my point is that if you are truly indifferent, you wouldn't get to the point of needing to unblock.  If you truly lack interest, why get curious about what an ex is doing?  Why unblock?  Why open that window?  I don't read that as indifference, though I understand what you are saying.  

But here's the mistake that I think you are making.  You are comparing your post breakup behavior to that of a pwBPD, as if nons and pwBPD rationalize and process relationships in the same way.  From everything I've read, this couldn't be more further from the truth.  I think the pwBPD's post above exemplifies this.  Whereas you have been able to foster a friendship with an ex of yours, the pwBPD can't even reach out to an ex for fear of ripping open an unhealed wound?  After saying multiple times that she's supposedly moved on?  Her response is what, 4-5 paragraphs?  She mentions "moving on" in some form or fashion at least 6 times.  Again, it's as if saying it makes it so.  And of course, I only have my experiences and my knowledge of PDs to go on here, but from where I sit, I don't see the pwBPD that you have been talking to as someone that has achieved indifference.  So where you or I might one day be able to achieve indifference with our ex's, I'm not so sure about our disordered counterparts.

I generalize what your saying here but, (just my opinion of observation) maybe, just maybe, she means it in the sense that because shes sees the break up of relationships as abandonment it triggers the very child hood that she has not and will never have forgotten but instead has learnt to cope with it.  For example, because BPD is an attachment disorder it could insight the fact that just like their childhood traumas they never forget but learn to deal with it.  We could look at it like an anxiety sufferer during the early stages of a triggered event the mind and body goes into overdrive mode, but over a certain period of time the anxiety sufferer learns to cope with this condition, so even though he still suffers it doesn't affect him as much as it used to.  So based on my personal understanding BPD sufferers never truly forget about exes, they may not love them on a level of intimacy but they will remember the self soothing we once gave them.  So maybe, this woman hasn't got over her ex because just like her past she cant forget she can only learn new coping techniques to fortify her mental defenses when faced with certain triggers, in the case of the BPD sufferer abandonment.          

jammo1089: Your response is a great affirmation that it should be seen as a "blessing", despite it feeling like anything but.  I wasn't really seeing it from the point of view you presented, of me leaving such a positive impact on her so intense emotionally, that she coldly cut me off and blocked me out of her life completely.  I can admit, that I have not responded like an "educated individual" through all of this. 

That's quite the unfortunate chain of events that you experienced in the aftermath of your relationship.  You appear to be responding like an "educated individual" though.   

I agree with you here.  I think that break ups absolutely trigger their fears of abandonment.  And you said, they learn to cope, though I'm skeptical at how successful they are at this given her response and the actions of my ex.  They never fully deal with break ups because their disorder prevents them from doing so.  They either put up more walls or revert to old, maladapted coping mechanisms that distract or cover up the wounds.  This would explain her fear of reopening an old wound simply by reaching out to her ex.  That's not indifference though, which I think explains her very back and forth response to you.  I think her response is a great example of just how present the push/pull, black/white behaviors are in their mode of thinking.  She has can say one minute that she has "genuinely moved on" but yet in the very next sentence, she can say that she is afraid of talking to her ex for fear of "opening a wound."  It's a very interesting look into a very dichotomous world. 

 

Knowledge is power my friend, Ive only been able to respond to this with an educated response because ive researched, spoke with Diagnosed Borderlines, analysed the relationship to the point it can be only described as unhealthy, but, the best way to uplift yourself out of the FOG isnt about looking at why we made the decisions or looking deep within ourselves (although this does help) BUT for me personally the way to clear the FOG is focusing on her, and NO i dont mean in a co dependent way absolutely not! What I mean by this is, simply combining the traits of BPD with her behavior.  For example:

Low self esteem- she always told me she didn't deserve me, and that she felt worthless when stood next to me (use your own examples)

Impulsive behavior- Would flirt with guys in front of me, drank a lot


As you can see by doing this you build a ladder for your story, when you finally read it all back, you will say to yourself WOW! She had it waaaaay to good with me, and she knows this that is exactly why she had to run away.  Yes they run through fear of being abandoned BUT when closely evaluating everything it would suggest that, the harder and more aggressively then push us away the more we meant to them.  For example I told my ex Id like to stay friends, but all she did was block me and get into a new relationship instantly.  Yet again we will use the 2 reactions one would face:

A non educated person

How could you do this to me? I loved you and you do this! She used me, I hate her!

An educated person (knows about BPD)

Wow! She needed to not only block me, but get a new BF as well, oh well hes just a convenience because without him she would have been severely depressed, it is also laughable because, this new guy and pregnancy in the real world is a huge commitment, but in the mind of the abused it is solely a distraction to stop them being triggered by us.  That is all this is about a distraction.  A Non may have a one night stand and feel even worse because they still think about the ex, A BPD has more extreme impulsive behavior rushed marriage, pregnancy, but what you need to understand here is this.  Your BPD relied on you so much to the point where she couldn't control her own emotions because you were controlling hers for her.  For example, you dont reply to a text all day because your working.  They cry thinking you dont want to be with them anymore.  See what im getting at here? So from an educated stand point you need to remember that, you are very much on her mind, she got the new guy not out of love, but to try and prove she has moved on in her life and that the new relationship label is merely a distraction.  If this wasn't the case, and what im telling you is a pack of rubbish, then why do you think they contact us even while dating the new partner? Like I stated before my ex unblocked my number and Face Timed me after 4 months NC I did not reply, I later called from a withheld number and my number had been blocked again.  We see this as mind games and in theory it is, but like that BPD woman stated she was testing to see if she was emotionally ready to contact again, and even while pregnant she had to block me again, probably out of fear of wanting me back again.  Funny enough on the 9th of January she posted a print screen saying MY BF never fails to send me texts as soon as he wakes up, with loads of   The on the 10th the day after she tries to FT me, It just goes to show that not only should we accept that they are mentally ill, but we must also address the fact if they had TRULY moved on calls would not be attempted by them especially if the end result is us being blocked again.          

This is my outlook on what you just described, emotionally mature adults go through a grieving process, and by taking the pain and heart ache we are eventually rewarded with a deeper understanding of ourselves, we learn who to trust, how to react in the same kinds of situations down the line, we almost reinvent ourselves from the bottom up.  We become emotionally stronger and by doing this allows us to evolve into the person we get to understand in later life, Ourselves.  The BPD overlaps relationships, this is a coping mechanism to help soothe the deep emptiness they feel when alone.  They were never taught by their parents how to respond in real life situations so by overlapping they are relying entirely on the new person to not only save them, but to show them that they do exist and they would do this through whats known as mirroring.  In return the BPD doesnt have a lot to offer so in my case sexual seduction of extreme and intense fantasy was used in my favor (fulfilling my sexual desires) this was not only used to control me, but it was also used to reinforce the fact that if the sex was that good I wouldnt ever dream of leaving her.  For example "Im the best youve ever had arent I James"?  By doing this she was getting me to reassure her that she was best in that department.  A BPDs defense mechanism to protect ones self is self taught and with this in mind it is important to also realize that, once all defense mechanisms have been used (all cards have been put on the table) instead of thinking " Ok hes not responding the way I need him to so I will have a talk with him" They instead play it like a game of Poker they go all in and we call their bluff she disappears from the game because she has no more chips to play with (defense mechanisms) So now you have a very confused little girl wondering why wont he understand me? but instead of opening up and talking about it then run.  So maybe you could visualize the fact that at some point they want to put the chips on the table again, but, this time they will only play their chips more sensibly (push/pull) when yet again once the chips on the table are gone again the game ends, and just like gambling this behavior can become extremely addictive for a NON.   

This thread was very helpful for me... .

Glad I could help out mate

It sure answered a lot of questions that I have not seen discussed in other threads or articles and books. Their behavior on social media. Mine blocked me, unfreinded my friends and successfully compelled almost all of hers to do the same. I never really understood what would drive her to do this but now have a better idea. Once every couple/three weeks I check to see if my number was still blocked out of curiosity. At xmas, I saw that I wasn't and then texted her to say "I see that my number is no longer blocked'. She then blocked me again (I figured that she might had purchased a new phone or something like that). I then called her later from my hotel and she then called the police! I guess she was not yet ready! lol

I am still blocked on FB but was able to confirm through a ruse I put together that she is stalking me on FB (I had a public profile up until I had discovered this) which is something that I really don't understand. Why would she do this? btw , she broke up with me if it makes any difference in a disappearing act... .

Bro, all your answers are in this thread, the BPD gave me closure thats for sure, I feel like a brand new person now, lets put these behaviors in as simple context as possible so its easy to read:


She blocks you on Facebook and deletes all mutual friends as well (mine did the same)

Why did she do this?

She did this because, seeing mutual friends or having them on her news feeds may well trigger her again, this could either be through seeing you in a picture or because they may relate a certain friend with a memory from the past that you once shared.  She deleted you because If she has a new boyfriend she is scared that she will confuse herself and mix positive and negative emotions together.  For example, If your not in your exes life shes much less likely to want to talk about you to her new boyfriend.  This is solely because if she does mention you it may well trigger her to push the new guy away through resentment of the abandonment we apparently once caused them. 

She blocks your number then unblocks it again What the heck?

BPD is based on unregulated emotions think Bi Polar but not as often, she may block you because she wants you to think shes moved on and doesn't need you anymore to rely on.  If this was the case why unblock you again?  Shes merely doing this due to unregulated emotion she may sense a moment of weakness and by doing so unblocks you, but when you try to communicate you jump the barrel because she is sensing a connection with you by knowing that she is not blocked and she can contact you when ready.  But what your doing is texting her which then triggers the pain you caused her during the initial stage of the break up.  Do what I did and back right off complete NC if she contacts you ignore ok?

Why is she stalking you?

Girls are girls and BPDs take on the more extremes.  For example, I dont want him BUT I dont want anyone else to have him, she is probably waiting to see if theres a new girl on the scene and if so she will chase because she feels as if your abandoning her all over again, she will stop at nothing just to make sure her emotions arent in a depressive state.

Why did she disappear? she dumped me

She dumped you because she could sense that you have been the one to end it, so she dumped you before you could dump her, and by doing so in her mind she abandoned you so in theory she wouldn't feel the same negative emotions in the case you dumped her first.  She was merely being selfish and making sure you were the one that gets hurt because if it were the other way round she would suffer intense pain and in some cases potential suicide.  You have to remember these people are victims of abuse and by that they feel intense guilt for something that isn't their fault.  For example extreme jealousy because I had a mother and father relationship (a family) where as she was a foster child.

I hope that answers some of your questions                 

Its great that Jammo has spent time looking into this and posting his findings but, to be honest, i just don't buy what this woman is saying! Maybe i'm wrong but in my experience the reason they block you on social media, block your number, cut you out of their life etc is very simple -

They just don't NEED you anymore. Its ALL about their NEEDS.

As soon as they have a replacement that is 100% secured... .they're gone. They do still think about you from time to time though, as they consider you their possession - they own you, you belong to them and nobody else.

Its also like the saying - the grass is always greener on the other side. If you don't know how deep the wormhole runs, if you haven't truly seen behind the mask, if there's anyway back for them at all and things aren't working out too well with the replacement, they'll resume contact. If they wonder how you're doing, they'll resume contact. Its all about them and their NEEDS being met.

Also, they want you to want them. They want control over you. They'll contact you to see if they still have it. If you respond they know they've still got you, that you're still thinking about them, that you haven't abandoned them and so they can happily just go back to blocking you again knowing you're still available.

I really don't think it gets anymore complicated than that. Its harsh, its sad and its difficult to accept but, at the end of the day, in my opinion, its true.  

it did and didn't... .I am a bit confused... .see below:


She blocks you on Facebook and deletes all mutual friends as well (mine did the same)

Why did she do this?

She did this because, seeing mutual friends or having them on her news feeds may well trigger her again, this could either be through seeing you in a picture or because they may relate a certain friend with a memory from the past that you once shared.  She deleted you because If she has a new boyfriend she is scared that she will confuse herself and mix positive and negative emotions together.  For example, If your not in your exes life shes much less likely to want to talk about you to her new boyfriend.  This is solely because if she does mention you it may well trigger her to push the new guy away through resentment of the abandonment we apparently once caused them.  [/quote]
I can see this: it makes perfect sense. This are reminders of me just like a photo, a favorite place, a song, etc.or anything else that triggers memories of me. But why would she demand that her family and friends do the same? She would never see me in her feed? [/quote]
She blocks your number then unblocks it again What the heck?

BPD is based on unregulated emotions think Bi Polar but not as often, she may block you because she wants you to think shes moved on and doesn't need you anymore to rely on.  If this was the case why unblock you again?  Shes merely doing this due to unregulated emotion she may sense a moment of weakness and by doing so unblocks you, but when you try to communicate you jump the barrel because she is sensing a connection with you by knowing that she is not blocked and she can contact you when ready.  But what your doing is texting her which then triggers the pain you caused her during the initial stage of the break up.  :)o what I did and back right off complete NC if she contacts you ignore ok?[/quote]
This was answered in the thread. As I understand things, she is testing her own emotions to see if she can even handle having a conversation or communicate. in past recycles, she chose email as the 'feeler' method. Then a phone call (usually angry, attempting to draw me into the anger vortex, but I never allowed that to happen), then a face to face in which she would always report that the episode ended there and then upon mere sight of me. I though that her desperate aversion was to avoid this eventuality. That part of her is fighting this. I have not read any such thing here so I am only guessing. As to NC, see below... .

Why is she stalking you?

Girls are girls and BPDs take on the more extremes.  For example, I dont want him BUT I dont want anyone else to have him, she is probably waiting to see if theres a new girl on the scene and if so she will chase because she feels as if your abandoning her all over again, she will stop at nothing just to make sure her emotions arent in a depressive state.[/quote]
I can see that. I am indifferent ot old GF's but it IS interesting to see them after the fact... .even chat. I don't think that this is a manifestation of a PD but obsessing about I would think would be... .especially if you broke up with them!

Why did she disappear? she dumped me

She dumped you because she could sense that you have been the one to end it, so she dumped you before you could dump her, and by doing so in her mind she abandoned you so in theory she wouldn't feel the same negative emotions in the case you dumped her first.  She was merely being selfish and making sure you were the one that gets hurt because if it were the other way round she would suffer intense pain and in some cases potential suicide.  You have to remember these people are victims of abuse and by that they feel intense guilt for something that isn't their fault.  For example extreme jealousy because I had a mother and father relationship (a family) where as she was a foster child.[/quote]
This is where it is just not the case. She had only moved into my home 3 weeks prior. We have completed some summer long projects (her sons graduation party, it was an enormous undertaking... .we worked for weeks to prepared for it... .as well as some other stuff)... .we began to focus on our wedding and met with a jeweler and began to discuss venues... .we were just about to merge finance right before she disappeared... .all indications to her were that we were moving CLOSER not that I gave any feelers that I was going to dump her. It was through this and a couple of triggers (moving into my house, loss of full control =trigger; here 18 year old son moving out, =abandonment trigger; I went on a business trip= abandonment trigger) that I figured facilitated her flight. (and God knows what else).

I hope that answers some of your questions                 [/quote]
She and I had an otherwise great relationship. It was not at all defined like many of the stormy relationships that I have been reading about here. They almost all seem to be characterized by angers, lies, infidelity and general chaos. She and I never argued or disagreed... .we had similar interests, goals in life, and just lined up in general. That is what makes mine the more confusing and painful. Her family, friends and co-workers thought the world of me and showered me with compliments and were very glad that 'she finally found a great man'. So when you and others suggest NC, I am not expecting the insanity that others seem to get bombarded with on a recycle attempt... .I am not certain that I can ever BE with her again (I have to admit, it IS very tempting), but talking to her is something that ,I can definitely handle and would probably welcome. Does this make sense? Have you seen this before? Its confusing to me since part of her are SO BPD while others are not.  

Jammo,

Thank you for this post. It's interesting.

Perhaps it's part of the reason why my ex blocked me on Facebook a year ago. He waited for over a year to reach out after No Contact. Tried to "Friend" me on FB. I didn't accept (was waiting on some type of communication). He blocked me. I've been blocked ever since. However, he continues to check up on me via an alternate account that he activates whenever he wants to spy on my FB page. Then he deactivates the account again.

I care less and less as more time goes by... .:)

One last thing:

I have seen here in the frequency that it is almost a universal truth that BPD's either have a replacement already in motion or they quickly find one, ANY one. OR they go back to an ex. However, historically, mine took time off... .often a very long time. During those times she occupied herself with her son who, to her admission, acted somewhat like a husband surrogate (interestingly, she DID rage at him like a typical BPD... .but never me).

In the way of her exes, all three of them (yes, only three men in her life at age 44), one is no where to be found, the other is married and the third is 1000 miles away.

How did you discover the account lipstick?

it did and didn't... .I am a bit confused... .see below:


She blocks you on Facebook and deletes all mutual friends as well (mine did the same)

Why did she do this?

She did this because, seeing mutual friends or having them on her news feeds may well trigger her again, this could either be through seeing you in a picture or because they may relate a certain friend with a memory from the past that you once shared.  She deleted you because If she has a new boyfriend she is scared that she will confuse herself and mix positive and negative emotions together.  For example, If your not in your exes life shes much less likely to want to talk about you to her new boyfriend.  This is solely because if she does mention you it may well trigger her to push the new guy away through resentment of the abandonment we apparently once caused them.  [/quote]
I can see this: it makes perfect sense. This are reminders of me just like a photo, a favorite place, a song, etc.or anything else that triggers memories of me. But why would she demand that her family and friends do the same? She would never see me in her feed? [/quote]
This is where it is just not the case. She had only moved into my home 3 weeks prior. We have completed some summer long projects (her sons graduation party, it was an enormous undertaking... .we worked for weeks to prepared for it... .as well as some other stuff)... .we began to focus on our wedding and met with a jeweler and began to discuss venues... .we were just about to merge finance right before she disappeared... .all indications to her were that we were moving CLOSER not that I gave any feelers that I was going to dump her. It was through this and a couple of triggers (moving into my house, loss of full control =trigger; here 18 year old son moving out, =abandonment trigger; I went on a business trip= abandonment trigger) that I figured facilitated her flight. (and God

She and I had an otherwise great relationship. It was not at all defined like many of the stormy relationships that I have been reading about here. They almost all seem to be characterized by angers, lies, infidelity and general chaos. She and I never argued or disagreed... .we had similar interests, goals in life, and just lined up in general. That is what makes mine the more confusing and painful. Her family, friends and co-workers thought the world of me and showered me with compliments and were very glad that 'she finally found a great man'. So when you and others suggest NC, I am not expecting the insanity that others seem to get bombarded with on a recycle attempt... .I am not certain that I can ever BE with her again (I have to admit, it IS very tempting), but talking to her is something that ,I can definitely handle and would probably welcome. Does this make sense? Have you seen this before? Its confusing to me since part of her are SO BPD while others are not.  [/quote]
Ok, i'll have a go at answering these questions.

1. Why get her friends to delete/block you.

Answer - 2 words - smear campaign! In general Cluster B's cannot accept responsibility for their own actions. They usually project their flaws and weaknesses onto you. They're always the victim. Their black and white thinking means you're either all bad or all good. Usually when they split with you they'll paint you as the bad guy to their friends and family. These people will hear how bad you are, usually incorporating all of the Cluster B's own weaknesses. For example - he was controlling, manipulative, possessive, jealous etc. If people don't know any better then, they'll believe what they're being told and will delete/block you and back up the person with the PD. 

2. Maybe your GF wasn't BPD? Maybe she just had some BPD traits?

I don't know your story but what i do know is that on my first break up with my exGF she became scared and ran. It was like she realised that i loved her and couldn't deal with it. She became engulfed. She still NEEDED me (that doesn't mean that she WANTED me) but she was freaking out. On the one hand she wanted to be free, on the other she needed the attachment. She never stopped contacting me though, she just became seriously dysregulated.

Sorry, i have to ask... .how do you know this is true? My ex told me she'd only had 2 relationships before me. She also told me she'd only slept with a handful of people. As time passed by and with each recycle, more and more of the reality was unveiled. By the end, the person i was with wasn't even recognisable as the person i'd fallen in love with. Turned out most of what she'd told me was false, she'd actually had numerous relationships, slept with a crazy amount of men and pretty much lived a double life.

I'm glad that learning so much about BPD has helped lift you out of the FOG. I wouldn't necessarily say it's the best focus for everyone. We're all different.  :) But I definitely agree that it's important for healing. You're doing good work.

Learning about BPD and looking at our relationships through educated lenses helps us make sense of things, find closure, and detach with empathy. And with this knowledge, we can come to a better understanding of the role we played, what needs this person/relationship fulfilled for us. There is so much that these relationships are trying to teach us about ourselves. Understanding BPD relationships helps us get there.  |iiii

Now that you're out of the FOG and have a better understanding of BPD, do you want to use this knowledge to help you in looking deep within yourself and asking questions like why you made the decisions you did?

jammo1989:  Thank you for your detailed response with sharing and encouragement.  Much appreciated.

I agree, knowledge is power.  I am curious, how do you manage to connect and speak with diagnosed Borderlines to educate yourself?

Here's a bit of the ladder for my story:

- When I told mine that I love her unconditionally, she responded by saying that she didn't know what unconditional love is.  She also said that she did not see her own value/self worth.  As a result, it is my opinion that she did not see either my value/worth and the value/worth of our relationship.  Which made it so much easier for her to run away from.

- She initiated conversation of getting married within about the first 2 of months dating.  Then brought her 5 children into the loop on us looking at getting married.

I think the other reason they run away and block us is for fear of engulfment with losing themselves in the relationship.

Your quote:

"Your BPD relied on you so much to the point where she couldn't control her own emotions because you were controlling hers for her.  For example, you dont reply to a text all day because your working.  They cry thinking you dont want to be with them anymore." 

Interestingly, she claimed that I was controlling her and the relationship, saying that she would not tolerate it any further.  This was the very first time that I recall her ever accusing me of this.  Then she abruptly broke up with me via an email and a voice mail message, she ran away, and coldly cut me off with blocking me out of communications.

Your quote:

"So from an educated stand point you need to remember that, you are very much on her mind... ." 

I truly believe that mine does not have a replacement boyfriend for me and she also has not made any attempts to contact me since she broke up with me.  Do you really think that I would be "very much on her mind" 5 months after she abruptly broke up with me and ran away?

Your quote:

"Like I stated before my ex unblocked my number and Face Timed me after 4 months NC I did not reply, I later called from a withheld number and my number had been blocked again." 

I understood this to be not detectable when sending messages.  How do you know that your number is blocked and unblocked by her? 

   

Wow. This is hard for me to read.  I try to have as much compassion as I can for pwBPD.  I know that they have a rotten lot in life and they are facing what, even to a non, seem to be near insurmountable problems.  So, I try to give sufferers every benefit of the doubt.  But the selfishness of that response just plain bothers me.  It triggers me, actually.   Literally EVERY single word is about her.  There is not even the faintest hint of concern or care of anyone else - most especially these past boyfriends.   I suppose the idea that anyone else would have emotions, and that they may be grievously hurt too doesn't even so much as occur to her.  The evident unconcern with which she talks about HER need to be rid of ex lovers because HER emotions just can't handle it.   Well, it makes me furious.  If she wasn't so ill, I wouldn't know what to call it except evil.   Her illness may remove her culpability, but it is truly vile behavior.

I have biploar disorder.  I know ALL about out of control emotions and feeling things intensely.  I get that.  Oh how I get that.  I do have trouble understanding how someone can be so completely selfish, however.  Even little children aren't like this.  It's just surreal to me.   Anyway, I suppose I just needed to vent.   Super triggering.   My own fault for reading it, though.

cosmonaut, you hit the nail on the head.

A pwBPD is focused on their own emotional survival at all costs. They have no sense of self to cling to, and emotional annihilation is a very real fear for them. When a pwBPD is triggered and these survival mechanisms kick in, there truly is no room in his/her mind for anyone else's feelings or needs.

Since borderlines feel things so intensely, and have trouble regulating their mood states (and trouble recovering from intense states), they generally they try to stay in a "detached protector" mode to avoid emotional overload. The detached protector mode includes avoidant behavior, emotional detachment, etc. Anything to numb the pain and shut off those feelings.

I can see this: it makes perfect sense. This are reminders of me just like a photo, a favorite place, a song, etc.or anything else that triggers memories of me. But why would she demand that her family and friends do the same? She would never see me in her feed? [/quote]
This is where it is just not the case. She had only moved into my home 3 weeks prior. We have completed some summer long projects (her sons graduation party, it was an enormous undertaking... .we worked for weeks to prepared for it... .as well as some other stuff)... .we began to focus on our wedding and met with a jeweler and began to discuss venues... .we were just about to merge finance right before she disappeared... .all indications to her were that we were moving CLOSER not that I gave any feelers that I was going to dump her. It was through this and a couple of triggers (moving into my house, loss of full control =trigger; here 18 year old son moving out, =abandonment trigger; I went on a business trip= abandonment trigger) that I figured facilitated her flight. (and God

She and I had an otherwise great relationship. It was not at all defined like many of the stormy relationships that I have been reading about here. They almost all seem to be characterized by angers, lies, infidelity and general chaos. She and I never argued or disagreed... .we had similar interests, goals in life, and just lined up in general. That is what makes mine the more confusing and painful. Her family, friends and co-workers thought the world of me and showered me with compliments and were very glad that 'she finally found a great man'. So when you and others suggest NC, I am not expecting the insanity that others seem to get bombarded with on a recycle attempt... .I am not certain that I can ever BE with her again (I have to admit, it IS very tempting), but talking to her is something that ,I can definitely handle and would probably welcome. Does this make sense? Have you seen this before? Its confusing to me since part of her are SO BPD while others are not.  [/quote]
Ok, i'll have a go at answering these questions.

1. Why get her friends to delete/block you.

Answer - 2 words - smear campaign! In general Cluster B's cannot accept responsibility for their own actions. They usually project their flaws and weaknesses onto you. They're always the victim. Their black and white thinking means you're either all bad or all good. Usually when they split with you they'll paint you as the bad guy to their friends and family. These people will hear how bad you are, usually incorporating all of the Cluster B's own weaknesses. For example - he was controlling, manipulative, possessive, jealous etc. If people don't know any better then, they'll believe what they're being told and will delete/block you and back up the person with the PD. 

I'll go with that... .there is one rogue straggler that declined to unfriend me. I asked him what she was saying. He inferred that there was some sort of horrible something or other but declined to tell me what it was. I sensed that it was so outrageous, but BELIEVABLE, that he was more uncomfortable telling me than anything else. I can only imagine.

So SURE there is a smear campaign, but why is the next step to insist that they unfriend me on FB. I mean, I assume that she said blah, blah, blah and then claimed on the basis of such and such, you must now cut ties whit him on FB. See how there are two separate things here?

2. Maybe your GF wasn't BPD? Maybe she just had some BPD traits?

I don't know your story but what i do know is that on my first break up with my exGF she became scared and ran. It was like she realised that i loved her and couldn't deal with it. She became engulfed. She still NEEDED me (that doesn't mean that she WANTED me) but she was freaking out. On the one hand she wanted to be free, on the other she needed the attachment. She never stopped contacting me though, she just became seriously dysregulated.[/quote]
Mine did something similar. Clearly, you and her had reviewed the episode to some extent after the fact so that you could try to assemble some understanding of what transpired. I didn't have that luxury and it was swept under the rug.

Its funny, if the breakup were not considered, I would have a hard time justifying her as a BPD. It was the breakup(s) and the associated behavior around them that led me to this conclusion. Granted that without the flight, there is still some evidence of BPD, but it is subtle.

It's been 4 months since the b/e... .and really only less than a month of nc (although all contact was indirect)... .why do I have this gut feeling that this is not over? I want to caution; its not necessarily what I want, but I have this instinct about it.

Anything could be true, I cannot know 100% for certain... .however, I have zero evidence of any other men than the three... .but I have a ton of evidence to the contrary, not iron clad, but strong enough. She really had little incentive to keep them from me as well. Notwithstanding, she had a true problem child with 100% custody and a full time job AND for several years a school schedule (she earned her bachelors and MBA along the way) really gave her a huge logistical road block to promiscuity. Also notwithstanding was her inability to juggle her schedule.

Of course now, closer to work and with her son out of the house (though, I suspect that his step dad threw him out and he is now back with mom), she might have more ability to date... .dunno.

I know you are right, HappyNihilist, but I suppose I can still be astonished at how cruel this disorder can be.   How utterly heartless it is.  It is simply not normal to encounter people who terribly hurt those close to them with so little remorse, repentance, or even acknowledgement.  Normally, this would rightfully be considered to be wicked behavior.  The ways of evil people.  But I don't believe that pwBPD are evil - they are sick.  So, it's very hard to see how someone could behave like this.  I know perfectly well firsthand about intense emotions, dissociation, and self-destructive coping, but not having BPD I really do struggle to understand how they can behave with such heartless cruelty.   I have never in my life done such things to people and I am reasonably certain that I feel things every bit as intensely as my ex.  I don't destroy people because I'm a total mess, though.  I've never done that.  So why do they?  Something truly terrible has gone wrong in their development.  It has to have.  Things did not form correctly and certain critical connections were not made.

I was a lifeguard when I was a young teenager.   I remember being solemnly drilled that a drowning person won't hesitate to climb on top of you in desperation to try and save themselves.  I think that must be how it is with pwBPD.  Somehow, some ancient survival center in the back of the primordial brain is triggered and they simply react without a second thought.  Of course, they aren't actually dying, but I suspect their brains somehow interpret it like they are.

What an outstanding analogy!

Hi JRT,

I don't want to hijack this thread - so I'll try to make my response brief.

When the ex and I were together - he made an alternate FB account. Wanted to use it as a sort of "blog" about "island life" and about me. Not too long after he blocked me from his regular FB account - he deactivated the alternate account. This was another slap in my face as I had sent him a few messages thru the alternate after I was blocked. Tried to explain myself, etc...

Anyway - how do I know he stalks my page? I'm guilty of checking out his page from time to time as well. Thru my mother's account. Also - mutual friends still update me on his behaviors. We all went to high school together, and they are saddened at what he has become (or always was!).  So for one example - the ex had been really quiet on FB for a long time after he dumped me. Last summer I put up a cover photo on my FB page of a place he and I frequented. He has a home that has been in his family for several generations. It means a LOT to him and he is fiercely protective of it. This picture was of the lake that is on the property. That same evening - the ex puts up a picture of the same location - along with photos of the late relatives - and does a long-winded narrative about "unconditional love, getting back to the lake, teaching our kids to cherish it, blah, blah, blah".  Coincidence? Absolutely not. He was having a reaction to the picture that I put up. That place was very special to both of us. His spouse hates it there. I fell in love with it instantly.

There are other examples - but that is the first one that comes to mind. Plus - I do believe he feels very badly about what he did to me. But in his mind - he did the right thing. However, it doesn't stop him from wanting to check up on me occasionally. And whenever I post about my own significant other - it triggers him big time! I recall when we were together, he wouldn't even use my married name. Would always use my maiden name.

Sorry for the long post. Hope I answered your question.     

yes you did... .thank you

Don't want to hijack this thread either... .but did you do the breaking up? Did he attempt contact with you after the fact? Or want to get back together where you refused? I am trying to balance the FB behavior against her other actions in my case where mine b/u and avoided contact as if it were about as painful as a gunshot to the head... .THEN she stalks me on FB? Knowing this, and recalling things she told me the last time we b/u, my gut told me that she wanted to come chase her... .that some of it were a test (she was infuriated when I rejoined a dating site after we had broken up in the past... .probably is now as well). But a call from the cops told me otherwise.

I don't think a true BPD ever moves on. Especially if they have NPD traits, like my ex does heavily. I think it's more likely they would contact you freely once WE have moved on. It's much the same reason why they cheat on you with random people and tell you that the person means nothing. It's why they get all hot and heavy chasing married people. You see, once WE move on, when they pursue meaningless relationships, or when they court married people, they really "feel" that person is special. They do so, without connecting the dots though because of their lack of self perspective. The reason they "feel" that way about us, or the random guy, or the married guy is not because they learned something new. It's because WE are in a position where WE are not emotionally available. It's not US that turns them on and suddenly makes them go into a contact frenzy, it's the fact that we no longer have a need for intimacy with them at those points, and that makes us suddenly attractive and less threatening.

A good example of this is a BPD being the 3rd part of a relationship between 2 married people. Guy meets girl, guy is married. Not terribly happy, but not terribly unhappy. Guy is not available. Girl see challenge, sees safety in getting attention and pursuit of someone who won't threaten them with real intimacy. Girl love bombs. Guy leaves wife. Guy is suddenly emotionally available and seeks intimacy. Girl pulls away from guy who left wife. marriage is ruined. Girl says, hey I don't know what you thought was going to happen but I don't want this, and leaves.  

It's not about anything other than the safety of having a relationship without real intimacy. At least that's the behaviors I see.

My exBPDgf did it twice. She ruined my marriage and left me to ruin the marriage of my replacement.

She told me when we met that her therapist hit on her all the time. And she'd say it with a smile. When I obviously said that's completely unethical, and she should see someone new, she agreed and stopped going to him. Thing is, she never found someone new. Later in the relationship she blamed me for my jealously as the reason she stopped going to a counselor... .

Insanity.

I'm sorry to be right about that. My ex's ex husband was an introvert. A passive guy. I connect all the dots now. She once told me that she "never trusted anyone more than him" Yet he left her. He was a good guy, he just never bit on anything she ever did. She called him "Boring" She also said that she once saw an ex at a game, and her husband was there. She told me, "he still wanted me back" And I said, did he get jealous? "She said, no. He never said even a word about it. Even when I'd bring it up that I saw him"

Bing Bing Bing Bing Bing. All the dots connected looking back.

She trusts someone that is detached with no sense of intimacy. She found him boring, because he never bit on her attempts to fester up some good ole triangulation or jealousy creation. Never giving a good rise, he was just boring. And, her last comment, she sounds as if she was trying to fester up a storm, and was almost disappointed that he never said anything.

Jesus. Looking back it's just disturbing this is how these people think.

So this all would beg the question; how many extramarital affairs are caused by BPD or mental illness. WOW

@Anxiety... .you said something that I have never heard here: she never found someone new?

Obviously not everyone with BPD or Cluster B PDs are the same but, they do share many characteristics. From my experiences they mellow with age and gain more control over their impulses. Thing is though and i'm sorry to say this, if she really does have BPD then, there's no way in hell she's only had 3 relationships by the age of 44!

I heard the exact same things from my exGF. Turned out she'd had an incredible amount of relationships, most of them very short term and in addition to that, slept with a record breaking amount of men! From my experience, ANYTHING goes with them. The stuff i eventually found out about was WAY beyond what i could ever have imagined. She led a double life that no-one knew about. She was like two completely different people.

They will simply tell you whatever you want to hear. They will also tell you these things at first, because its what they desperately want to be true. They attach to somebody and that person becomes their saviour, they get a fresh start, for a while they can be "happy", they can be the person that they so long to be. Its like they see themselves through your eyes for a while. But at some point the mask starts to slip, they can't maintain the illusion, they can't keep the dark side at bay and they then need to find someone else to repeat the cycle with. If they NEED you (not WANT you, NEED you) or can use you in some way and they know they can get back from whatever happened at the end of the relationship then, they will be back at some point to test the water.    

When someone is driven to attach to become whole as well as impulsive, and discovers the lure of their sexuality can be used to affect an attachment easily and quickly, it's pretty easy to see why borderlines can be so promiscuous.  Plus if they were both abused and negected as children, a borderline could be driven subconsciously to associate sexuality with attention and validation.  The big question is once we experienced the shallowness of the connections that come out of that kind of motivation, why did we stick around?  I stuck around because I didn't know how disordered she was or even what a disorder was, so let's just love her and be consistent and the relationship I want will eventually emerge.  That was dumb, but apparently lessons needed to be learned.

 I feel you, cosmonaut. I'm a highly sensitive person and have depression and panic disorder... .I understand the intense emotions, unhealthy coping, punitive internal narrative, dissociation, etc. But I go out of my way not to hurt people, sometimes at the expense of my own well-being. It's hard to imagine such a different mindset from our own.

pwBPD are the same way -- it's very hard for them to imagine a different worldview from theirs. Their construction of reality is simple and compelling to them.

We all have certain interpersonal schemata -- knowledge structures we've developed about how we think people will (or should) interact with us, based on our relationship to them. Jeremy Safran (in Emotion, Psychotherapy, and Change) explains that these schemata "initially serve the function of allowing the infant to predict interactions with the attachment figure, thereby maintaining proximity." These primitive schemata are then built upon to form how we view and interact with all people in our life.

Safran breaks these schemata into different levels of generality (abstractness) that are hierarchically embedded within us--

• Highest level of generality - our internal working model, an abstract representation of interaction with people in general. This level is built on aggregates of the two lower levels.



• Midlevel - our schemata of interactions with specific types of people. This level is built on aggregates of the lowest level.



• Lower-level - schemata representing interactions with specific individuals. These schemata contain images of prototypical interpersonal events that happened and expressive motor responses evoked by these events.

pwBPD have extremely rigid interpersonal schemata. They're built on foundations of disordered attachment and impaired social cognition. Their worldview makes sense to them. Attachment hurts; objects of love disappoint; fear of abandonment and engulfment are real and ever-present.


BPD is strongly tied to disordered attachment. I highly recommend Peter Fonagy's "Attachment and BPD" if you want to read more about this.

Also, Dolores Mosquera wrote a great article (http://www.BPDed.com/content/1/1/15) on early experience and BPD--

Children learn to recognize their internal states when they have a mirror, an attuned caregiver, who reflects, explains, and responds to them. If what this mirror shows is discordant with what the child is feeling, or if there is no reflection, the inner world will not evolve toward emotional self-regulation.

In place of a reflected image that corresponds to the child's constitutional (primal) self, the child develops a self-representation that is actually the representation of an Other (often a Punitive Parent). This "alien self" has to be externalized onto a partner or someone else, so that the BPD self can achieve some illusion of coherence.

Also, without a stable sense of self, the child cannot develop appropriate mentalization - the ability to understand the mental state of oneself and others. Peter Fonagy explains that "mentalization acts as a buffer: when actions of others are unexpected, this buffer function allows one to create auxiliary hypotheses about beliefs that forestall automatic conclusions about malicious intentions." pwBPD don't have this buffer. For them, there is only one possible version of reality. As Fonagy says, "an oversimplified construction [of reality] is uncritically accepted. This frequently leads to paranoid constructions of the other's desire state."


This is a perfect analogy.  |iiii

Hi JRT,

No, I didn't do the breaking up. He lost his job on a Wednesday. Didn't tell me. Negotiated his return to the spouse behind my back. Lived with me for six days acting like all was fine. That following Tuesday he moved out and ran back to the spouse while I was at work. Two days before my birthday. We had a huge weekend planned to celebrate.

He ignored all of my messages for about two weeks after dumping me. Then he finally responded with "Perhaps lunch tomorrow? I'm going to be in the area and I have a lot of explaining to do".  He never showed up. Never responded to any more of my messages. That was in October of 2012. I spoke to him briefly in February of 2013. He acted very detached and uninterested in the conversation. Then sent me a message that we were over and to let him give his marriage and life  an "honest try". This after tons of broken promises and lies. Anyway - fast forward to December of same year. He tried to "Friend" me on Facebook. I didn't accept. He blocked me. That was that. Except for the spying.

He knows how much he has hurt me. He has two items that I purchased for him while we were together. He treats these things like gold. Even put pictures of them on Facebook. Yet - I stay blocked and he doesn't reach out. According to what he puts on FB these days - he is happier than he's ever been and quote - "yeah, life is good!".  So there you have it.   

That story breaks my heart... .looking back on those 6 days, was there anything in hindsight to make you suspect that something was going on? Mine did a couple of suspicious things but I thought that they were related to her moving, not another man... .but who knows... .

JRT,

No - the ex is a really good actor. Nothing other than he went into a kind of catatonic state on the Sunday prior to his leaving. We were driving around in my car (I was behind the wheel) and he was sort of apathetic and quiet for most of the day. Was allowing me to spend money that we didn't have      . Had me kind of "stock up" at the grocery store. In the car - he was sitting with his head thrown back and his mouth kind of hanging open. Said at one point that his brain felt like it was "filled with cotton candy". Something I had forgotten - the day he moved out and ran - he cleaned the house, washed the sheets, and had dinner cooking for me on the stove. He was planning on dumping me over the phone - but I discovered what he was doing and busted him. Yet he wanted me to come home to a clean house and dinner!

Also - it took him MONTHS to get up the nerve to reach out to me via Facebook. He started putting up stuff on his own FB page (before he blocked me) that was intended for me. I didn't have a clue. Started this in July and would do some type of monthly post just for me up until the Friend Request in December.

So here we are - two years later. I'm sure he still thinks of me. Hell - he put up the pics of the "treasured items" just this past December. But he keeps me blocked and continues to post about how awesome his life, marriage and family are. Perhaps he is truly happy now. I've heard the disorder mellows with age. He's approaching 52. I do wish we could reconnect and be distant friends - but I think he hates me.

Yes, it's truly sad. I've known him since I was fifteen years old. I just turned fifty in October. We have quite a history.   

Geez... .what an episode! But it sounds like he wasn't doing a very good acting job on those last couple of days and was behaving quite oddly?

Hearing about these things really give me reason to second guess people especially on FB. What seems to be happening on the surface is only the surface... .reality frequently has something else to say.

JRT,

He was only acting strange on that Sunday. Believe me - he's a good actor. He was getting up and pretending to go to work every day after he was fired. Came home every night at his usual time. The weekend before he left - he came into the house with a huge bouquet of fresh flowers for me!  With him already knowing he was going to be leaving!

You're correct in second-guessing people on FB. Yes, he posts about how awesome his life is. However - I don't believe it for one minute. I believe he does this in order to convince others that his life is perfect. A facade of happiness, normalcy, and "one big, happy family" is very important to him. His spouse depends on him for everything. She is unable to support herself financially without him. She's quite a bit older than him and has no marketable skills. Also - she's not responsible enough to be able to hold down a "regular" job. The only reason she has a job is because of her daughter and family ties. My point to this?  My ex knows she will NEVER abandon him. No chance of it. He controls everything in that household. Also - with her huge extended family - he also sees this as no abandonment. With me - he was always making comments about how I was "losing my desire for him" and that I could do better. His friends also questioned how he had gotten a girl like me (out of his league). So he was dealing with his BPD issues right from the start with our relationship.

Anyway - I think he is faking all of this crap on FB. For his own reasons. Behind the scenes, he's a very unhappy guy. He and the spouse both drink too much. They have a celibate relationship. She is quite a bit older than him and I'm sure he's aware of time catching up to them. She's not looking too healthy these days. His mother is getting up there in years and is a heavy drinker / smoker. Once his two biggest "enablers" are gone (if he outlives them), he will be a lost soul.