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DSD is 15 years old and lives with DH and I half time.  They pretty much parallel parent.  Up until this year I would have said DSD and Mom were thick and thieves.  While I've been in her life since she was 8, in the last couple of years she has pulled away from me, which generally speaking, is what a teen-ager should do.

I had thought DSD would be spared Mom's more raging behaviors, since she's the baby of the family (13+ years younger than all the other kids).  Apparently this summer Mom got mad at her for some teen behavior and went on a rampage  and cut up all of DSD's clothes.  Of course, she repented, bought DSD a new, expensive phone and new clothes and DSD started going back to Mom's house.  DSD seems much more independent now, though.

DSD started high school this fall.  She reconnected with a friend who is  a year older.  At first I though they were just BFFs, but I got some vibes that they were more.  I got confirmation of this when DSD changed her profile pic on Instagram (an account I don't think her mom knows about) to one of her kissing the friend.  First off, I have no problems with this and frankly think its a pretty good thing.

However, DSD usually has her friend over every weekend she's with us, and sometimes during the school week.  I'm not sure she does that on weekends she's with Mom.  We have taken the friend with us on trips.  Now if DSD had a boyfriend they would not be sleeping in the same bed or nearly so unsupervised as the two girls are, but this feels different.  But more importantly, what do you think I should say to DH, who I don't think knows/understands this?  He wouldn't be judgmental or mad, more likely confused.  Do we have any responsibility to say anything to Mom?  My gut feeling is let DSD keep this a secret as long as she likes and just be generally supportive.  Her life is hard enough as it is and I don't want to make anything harder.

Just to be clear, your daughter's BFF likely more is also a girl?

Although you don't have to worry about unwanted pregnancy, this is still a tricky situation because you're dealing with teen sexuality. There are still issues regarding STDs (it is has or makes it that far). How educated is your DSD? Since it sounds like you don't have a problem with the r/s in general, can you approach her in a validating way, or will she think you are spying on her? At first, I thought, "same rules as boys," but it probably won't go over the same with her (as if that would go over well with a BF, but sensible boundaries are just that). How good are you with the validation tools? It could be a phase (the younger sister of my uBPDx went through it), or it could be more. Hard to say at this point.

The second issue is your DH. You could not say anything, but if he figures it out, and then figures out that you knew, that might be an issue between you, but you know him best.

The clothes cutting incident sounds severe, and I'm sure it was scary and traumatizing for DSD. It sounds like Christina Crawford's story with her likely BPD mother, Joan. I hope DSD is safe, relatively speaking. It's good that she has one home with two healthy parents in which she can spend time.

The conventional wisdom I've heard for situations like this (from your DSD's perspective) is that a child should wait until he or she has gotten everything they will need to be successful adults before telling their parents about their preference. Especially if they think their parents might be upset or over react. Meaning, if the child is college bound, they should wait until after they are done with college and their parents have paid as much as they will for such things before telling them. So this is her secret to tell when she's ready. She shouldn't be in any way forced to deal with whatever negative consequences she'll get from her mother before she's ready to do so.

However, that whole second question about what to do about the actual situation that's going on under your nose... .I have no idea.  lol