BPDFamily.com

The kids have now been home from Christmas vacation with their BPD mom for a couple of weeks. There has been quite a bit of upheaval and I've been able to tell that SD11 (almost 12) is suffering but it's so hard to get a complete story out of her as to what is going on in her head.

Yesterday she was actually able to acknowledge that she was happy here before she went back to visit her mom, but hasn't been really happy since coming back.

That was the final piece I needed to finally click the puzzle into place. What I've put together (finally!) is that her BPD mom told her own mother (who warned us) that children are allowed to decide where they want to live at age 12. I think SD11 was fine before because the door was swung closed on her ever going back. But it seems her BPD mom has been spewing garbage to SD11 that she'll get to choose in three more months.

This would explain SD11's behavior as well as the miserable crying fit she threw yesterday that was completely out of character. As I got her more or less calmed down she began complaining that she was worried her mom would move in with her new boyfriend and leave the house they'd been living in for the last four years before they came to live with us. All the talk of a kid who thinks she's going back. Also, there is the inner conflict of having a mother who is demanding she choose as if only her choice will matter.

SD11 has a counseling appointment tomorrow afternoon. I'm thinking about bringing this up in her session and dashing her hopes while setting her mind at ease. Or her dad could go in and do it, but this might be one of those things she takes better coming from me.

I really hope that counseling is able to help her process that.  Adults put a lot of pressure on children telling them that they get to decide.

It was interesting, in our own court battle, the boys kept changing what they wanted in terms of living arrangements.  At one point, BPD mom convinced them to ask for 50/50, and they did request it, but when the agreement was reached, they ended up with much less time with BPD mom (we had a counselor with an affidavit saying she was emotionally abusive/alienating to her children).  At first they were very angry, but as they seemed to be just fine with it within a couple of months.  It made me wonder how much THEY really wanted that... .

The problem may just be having that door open to the kid has that parent more likely to work on them and stress them out.

So where we live there isn't a law on the books so to speak, but at the age of 11-12 and beyond the courts can take into consideration what the kids want.

When DH was approached by his D my SD12 asking about living with us full time, he explained it like this. He said SD it is not entirely up to you as these decisions are also mom and dad's decisions. Right now we think it is important that you have a relationship with both parents (we want her to feel supported until when/if she makes that choice). Now if the time comes that you decide you for sure don't want to live with your mom then we will certainly help guide you on that path but this has to come from you... not me... .not your mom. He explained a bit of the legal process to her and what that entailed and said that he would always support her but it wasn't something he could make happen without her being on board.

Because it isn't against the law to be a crappy parent we wouldn't pursue this unless there was something serious that warranted it in terms of safety or abuse.

In your situation it sounds like mom is trying to persuade you SD to decide to live with her, so you may be doing a little damage control. If you know the specific legal aspects you could explain that xyz needs to happen, ask her what she wants... .without listening to all the noise others are making.

We specifically asked our L about this issue back when BPD mom's mom brought it to our attention. As it turns out, back when BPD mom was 12 she was allowed to decide that she wanted to live with her grandparents and not her mom. According to our L, that law has been off the books for more than 15 years. Also, the kids were both interviewed by the magistrate last year after SD11 was already 11 and said she wanted to stay with her mom. So I'm not worried about that aspect.

I'm just worried that SD11 now thinks that the weight of this is on her shoulders. I know she's happy and she has great friends and activities here. But I also know that she knows saying she wants to stay here instead of going back to her mom's is an unforgivable sin in her mom's eyes. So she thinks she's stuck. The more I think about it, the more I think the right thing to do is make it crystal clear to her that she isn't going anywhere.

What a huge responsibility for her to carry around. I would address it directly, for all the reasons you mentioned nope. It seems like an enormous set-up for guilt that she can't possibly process by herself, especially since she doesn't have nearly enough context, not to mention facts.

I'm sure my SS14 is dealing with this same issue. I'm so thankful we found him a good counselor. Last year in his 8th grade yearbook, he stated he stay with us for a year and then move back with BM. But he was already planning out four years of high school classes - with us.

Now we're seeing pressure from his half sister, who's almost 11. She pressures him to ask him to intercede with SS19, who is NC with BM. She also asks when he's moving home. We call her the minion, the poor kid doesn't stand a chance.

Recently my son opened up - immediately after saying he felt going back to equal time was better - that he tried to avoid her rages.  He never talks about his life with her, he's had that drummed into him for years, but clearly he's trying to walk on eggshells around her.

I agree, your case resulted in such a clear outcome that court is unlikely to give too much weight to her wishes as an influenced child, much less let her actually decide.  (Though cases have been known to reverse on a dime, so do be cautious.)  As already noted, the biggest concern is how to help SD return to being a kid and not worry about the issues that really should be left to the adults and not used to manipulate her.  Ugh, sounds like she's actually fearing her next birthday.

Back to my case, my ex's lawyer pushed for an in camera interview with the magistrate and GAL.  My understanding is that he refused to side with either parent (back then we had equal time year round) but the professionals were paying more attention to how he appeared when discussing mother versus when discussing father.  He was more relaxed when talking about me, that's what the decision observed and it dovetailed with the rest of the decision to grant me more parenting time.