BPDFamily.com

Yes, you are right. She has been a serial cheater most of her adult life and I knew this going in.

This is lifted from a notable BPD recovery forum:







“I could find someone to sleep with, sure. I have minions for that... .but I'd like a real boyfriend... .and that's much harder, because I'm crazy... .and I kind of come off that way. Lol.

Minions are what I call the men I collected over the years, as a BPDer, that never let go... .they just wait for my phone call. It's creepy and sweet all at once... .At one point I had enough of them for someone new to buy me dinner every night for a month. I'm not sure how BPDers create such an addict kind of codependency in people, but I would love to do a study on it... .it's insanity... .

Anyway, they still exist, the ones I kept. I have like five or something now? But I try not to see them because it's obviously not healthy for them to feed that need to see me. I don't get it, anyway.”


“I use sex to control a man, and find great satisfaction in knowing that I can manipulate in this manner. I also like using my looks and personality to lure a man in, and then once he's hooked, it's like a personal victory. Then, the balloon fills too much. That man will do something that isn't what I would have wanted them to do, disappointment sets in, and then I discard them. Some of them come back time after time begging for more attention, and to have another go at things, but I've devalued them as falling under my spell, thus they must be stupid. I want someone who can call me out, and not let me get away with things, yet when I meet those people, I can't STAND not getting my way. I know, I know - CONTRADICTIONS rule my life! Errrggghhh! I even made out with a married man (pre-boyfriend of the moment) from the bank, and felt proud that I could "conquer" his marriage. Of course, what an empty victory. I could never have him (reason I wanted him), and he would never be mine, but nevertheless, it felt "safe" for me emotionally.”

My ex could have written that.  Her minions are here orbiters that I spoke of earlier.  She doesn't really respect any of them.  I told her when we split that I would never be one of here orbiters like all her other "friends". 

It's a know win situation.  You keep giving your love after they treat you like garbage they don't respect you.  You call them out on their crap and they can't handle the brutal truth about their true selves.

Yes, charming, aren't they?  lol

This is lifted from a notable BPD recovery forum:







“I could find someone to sleep with, sure. I have minions for that... .but I'd like a real boyfriend... .and that's much harder, because I'm crazy... .and I kind of come off that way. Lol.

Minions are what I call the men I collected over the years, as a BPDer, that never let go... .they just wait for my phone call. It's creepy and sweet all at once... .At one point I had enough of them for someone new to buy me dinner every night for a month. I'm not sure how BPDers create such an addict kind of codependency in people, but I would love to do a study on it... .it's insanity... .

Anyway, they still exist, the ones I kept. I have like five or something now? But I try not to see them because it's obviously not healthy for them to feed that need to see me. I don't get it, anyway.”


“I use sex to control a man, and find great satisfaction in knowing that I can manipulate in this manner. I also like using my looks and personality to lure a man in, and then once he's hooked, it's like a personal victory. Then, the balloon fills too much. That man will do something that isn't what I would have wanted them to do, disappointment sets in, and then I discard them. Some of them come back time after time begging for more attention, and to have another go at things, but I've devalued them as falling under my spell, thus they must be stupid. I want someone who can call me out, and not let me get away with things, yet when I meet those people, I can't STAND not getting my way. I know, I know - CONTRADICTIONS rule my life! Errrggghhh! I even made out with a married man (pre-boyfriend of the moment) from the bank, and felt proud that I could "conquer" his marriage. Of course, what an empty victory. I could never have him (reason I wanted him), and he would never be mine, but nevertheless, it felt "safe" for me emotionally.”

Honestly, when are they not cheating? This board just confirms everything I suspected and thought about my ex.

My ex used to always say, "once a cheater, always a cheater". My reply now to her is, "yes, you are". Cheating seems to be a common theme with these people. I know it doesn't help much, but take comfort in the fact that it has little to do with us and more to do with them |iiii

Working with the definition:


“Nevertheless, they will often engage in triangular marital or quasi-marital relationships which provide intimacy while maintaining interpersonal distance. These individuals like to foster secret liaisons as a "fall-back" position in case the key relationship does not work out (Benjamin, 1983, pp. 307-308).”

Working with the definition:


“Nevertheless, they will often engage in triangular marital or quasi-marital relationships which provide intimacy while maintaining interpersonal distance. These individuals like to foster secret liaisons as a "fall-back" position in case the key relationship does not work out (Benjamin, 1983, pp. 307-308).”

Are you sure it was specifically written about borderline PD? Most google hits are pointing to AvPD forums. Although it's completely accurate, at the beginning of the relationship, my ex openly admitted that keeping "fall-backs" is her modus operandi.

I knew this and still thought it would be somehow different with me.

Borderlines dont value privacy because they dont understand what it means. There's a reason you know about these other romances as the failure of them was useful to recruit you as "someone special." You were placed on the front burner while this other person was placed on the back and likely switched back and forth without your knowledge.

Are you sure it was specifically written about borderline PD?

I had an another glimpse into the lack of privacy when we had our first date at my place. While I prepared  dinner for us she was literally rummaging my bedroom. I found her reading old postcards from 20 years ago, with a big smile on her face. She guilelessly did not understand what was the problem with invading someone else's privacy.

It is as if they are socially retarded or just don't care or entitled or something... .I don't know.

The first time my ex was over, I saw her randomly open a few drawers and peek inside.  These were not kitchen drawers that are usually considered less private but in my office and bedroom.  That was the type of thing my friends and I did as little kids when they'd ask "mind if I look around your room" and peer in a few drawers to see your stuff.  She did this right in front of me as if it were no big deal.

Once I was at work and as I was coming home I texted her.  She replied "I'm just busying cleaning up your office".  I said "please stop, you were never given permission to do that and that is disrespectful".  She replied "I only swept up and took out the garbage, I didn't go through your stuff, I'm not that stupid."  Well you can likely guess what happened, and this is almost comical.  She had organized everything and gone through all my stuff.  When I saw this I said "I thought you did not go through my things".  Her reply was "I found some empty packs of cigarettes in one of your drawers, so I had to go through all of them in order to finish taking out all the trash."

Mind you, we did not live together and had been going out less than 6 months and she had no permission to do something like this.  And my office is large with tons of drawers and other things she had to go through to try to find another empty pack of smokes.

It's like she was trying to make me angry.

I told my good friend about this and he asked "is this girl stupid?"

Yes, as fearful avoidance is the subset attachment style. 

That BPD self-reflection post cross-posted here carries the same traits of my exGF.  i could hear her voice reciting every word in  my head.

Except that my ex is not in recovery, or cares to even bother. "It is, what it is... ." she would fake smile and say. She is at peace with herself, for it is all about control, manipulation, and valuation from her pathetic male orbiters.

She should flog herself by wearing a t shirt that billboards: "Take A Number, Please".

The three faces of victim article I think is a good one to help understand the dynamic.  Essentially when a pwBPD begins to split their partner the partner no longer retains the position of rescuer, at least full time, thus creating a void to be filled by a fantasy other.  Random dude finds a nitch which is the fantasy other and exploits it. Their is a possibility the random dude is just really attractive and triggers the splitting.  In any case that void was already there where the person feels persecuted in some way in their life so they need an escape.

I'm guessing this guy has been around longer than she admits, what do you think?

Stage Four Rather than face the pain and overwhelm they expect to experience, partners who have reached this third 'defensive' stage, may progress to the forth and final stage of breakdown, characterized by a breakdown of basic trust between the partners, and increasing disengagement in the name of self-protection. Like a steam-valve in a pressure cooker, the partners start avoiding one another so as to minimize their conflicts. Gottman calls this final stage, "Stonewalling", perhaps after the image of a partner hiding behind a stone wall designed to protect him or her from further assault. Unfortunately, there is no way to love your partner when you are hiding behind a wall to protect yourself from him or her.

The "four horsemen" breakdown sequence plays out amongst the backdrop of partner compatibility. Basically compatible partners may demonstrate a whole lot of conflict, but they don't often become contemptuous and angry with their partners, because there are by definition few things that they will disagree upon. In contrast, partners who start out with incompatible goals, values or dreams are far more likely to get into seemingly irresolvable conflicts. Also, once the process of contempt, defensiveness and avoidance begins, small incompatibilities can become magnified as spouses pursue other interests as an alternative to conflict.

A borderline will often line up her next romance while she's still involved with you. in short, her bed never gets cold-- so if you notice that she's started up with another guy immediately, it's likely because she'd cultivated that relationship before she broke up with you. don't expect her to admit to this, as she never will...

Why do they think that they are evil geniuses and that we are just stupid?

They live in some kind of whacked, selfish, fantasy world... .

Me, just speechless in disbelief that this person that I held so emotionally dear and close to me... .to  slowly have to accept who she actually is ... .it just damaged my soul... .but the truth is the truth.  Her actions is who she is... .not her words. Not a one of them.

Tough pill to swallow... .for me... .it is ping down, but it is still kind of stuck in my throat somewhere... .

All the behavior, her expression of deep profound love and then her antics during the cheating and running off... .I now, chalk it all up to childishness and arrested development... .This drew me in on the front end like nothing ever had and on the back end it chewed me up like a meat grinder... .

Yes... .same here.  Even the childlike reassurances at the beginning... .all smoke and mirrors, all fantasy.

Sometimes, when I think about the totality of it all, I realize that I've lived through a nightmare.

Yes... .same here.  Even the childlike reassurances at the beginning... .all smoke and mirrors, all fantasy.

Sometimes, when I think about the totality of it all, I realize that I've lived through a nightmare.

I have to keep reminding myself that her actions are what matters most. Not her words. She could make me melt into forgiveness for anything she did with her words and what looked like sincerity at the time. But, after i would forgive and return to her, it would all start up again. I have been away for two months now and the more and more i tell my story, the fog keeps lifting. I hat to admit it now but she was not only cheating on me with the guy i was replaced by but there were others. A week after we start looking for wedding rings together, she goes on a business trip to a major city we visited often. She tells me while she is packing that she was going to meet up with a Facebook friend and that her ulterior motive in meeting him was to see if he would be our photographer. I told her that i would like to meet him together. I questioned why this was an ulterior motive, it should have been the whole motive. I decided that if i was going to marry this woman, then i needed to trust her. LOL, boy i was wrong. I don't know if anything happened while she was there but i did read the messages her and the guy were sending each other privately on messenger were not so innocent. She forgot that she logged onto her Facebook with my iPad, so  everything was popping up while she was out. I still gave her the benefit of the doubt after i confronted her about it. She unfriended him, but only a few months later i found myself being replaced by someone else.

It feels like I have PTSD because every time I am out with friends and hear their phone buzz from an email or text message, I cringe. It is a reminder of how I would feel when hers would do that. I hated the feeling but I knew that something was going on. Not all the time but often enough to cause me to feel this way. This is how I had caught her cheating in the past. She would always keep her phone facing down. She would often check my phone but I had nothing to hide. there were times that she would not like me holding her phone too long as she would show me a picture or something that someone would post on Facebook. She was always on facebook and Pintrist, even late at night. So glad I dont have to deal with this anymore. I hated being so insecure, but when I would let my guard down, that was usually when she was usually communicating with someone. My ex only had two friends that were girls. All the rest were guys. Guess that says a lot. Always needed attention from guys.

Raisins, it is scary that all these stories are so similar. It is like we were all dating the same person. This site has helped me to see that it wasn't all my fault and that I was in fact the sane person in the relationship. My family and friends all said that I changed so much while I was dating my ex. They say that they can see a big difference in me now and that I have a light in my eyes again. And, they can tell that a huge weight has been lifted. The only problem is that there was so much damage and programming that I still miss her, or more accurately I miss the fantasy of her.

A few weeks before my exBPDgf broke up with me she told me how the thought of me being with another woman would drive her crazy. This of course was after some great sex that we had. Seems like that is so common with BPDs after reading so many of these posts. Long story short, she got mad at me for something really dumb and we broke up. Not long after and during the time we were working things out, she hooks up with my replacement. In a matter of a few days, the guy is practically moved in. When I brought up how she said that the thought of me being somebody would kill her, and then asked how she could do this, all she had to say was I know and I am sorry. What a kick in the groin. I'm guessing this guy has been around longer than she admits, what do you think?

downnout98,

Yep, as much as I hate to say it, it sounds like she was cheating. As many have said here, BPD's are NOT going to be alone. Cheating and lying are common characteristics associated with people afflicted with BPD. It's so commonplace that I am always questioning the stories of Non's that claim that their significant other never cheated. Even the supposed non cheaters can abandon their significant other at the drop of a hat and be in another relationship just as quickly. That just doesn't add up unless the footwork to establish the new relationship hadn't already been done.

My BPDexgf, as I later learned, kept a string of men in line, just waiting for her attention. I use the term "men" lightly... .they weren't men, more like groveling/begging idiots. A sad lot indeed!

Be glad that you're out of that disaster my friend. A pwBPD is NOT someone that you can build a future with. Go find yourself a good woman that'll be with ya through thick and thin, one that will enjoy sharing life with you. They are out there, and they want and deserve good men.

"Then came year 5... ."

jhkbuzz,

I am sorry to hear that. I ALWAYS want to hear the opposite. Mine  definitely led me to believe that she'd never lie or cheat. Needless to say, she was lying when she told me that. There are countless stories on these boards about BPD's and infidelity. Promiscuous sex is listed as a possible impulsive behavior in the diagnosis criteria. It's just sad for everyone involved, everyone loses.

I was in an 8 year r/s... .for the first four I would have bet a limb that, not only didn't my gf lie or cheat, but that she would NEVER lie or cheat.

Then came year 5... .

That is my story, too.