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I honestly need some tips on how to best handle it when I'm on the receiving end of a rage.  It's the usual, I am to blame for everything and anything that's ever happened to her, the current state of her life, etc.  At lot of it isn't reality, she's obviously feeling a certain way, but it's not the way it is.  At first I catch myself trying to defend, justify, etc. and of course that makes no difference and probably makes it worse.  I'm to the point where I can't say anything... .everything is twisted and misinterpreted.  Not saying anything isn't working either, she just won't stop.   We don't live together, so this is happening via text message.  I'm afraid if I was in the same room with her right now I really would say something I'd regret, so it's best I keep a little distance at this point.

I don't know what to do in a situation like this, does anyone have any suggestions?  I'm trying so hard to keep her from dysregulating but I think it's going to happen regardless.

My favorite statement from her today... .'Yes you earned this Valentine's Day'.  Very frustrating.

Stay centered. Control your own emotions, particularly anger & frustration. Validate her feelings. Her feelings are genuine and appropriate to her. Acknowledge that. Then calmly, and extremely respectfully insert your points. For example, "although I understand that you are hurt and understand why you are hurt, I just want to say that I feel very differently about this... ." Close with more acknowledgement of the validity of her feelings.

I also found that smiling throughout disagreements helped. It helped me to stay centered, and it helped to avoid her misinterpreting my mood as being angry or negative in any way.

Read about and practice providing validation. Practice with her, others, and yourself in the mirror.

You can also disengage from it. You can't control

Whether or not she dysregulates but you don't have to be subjected to it. You can leave the room, not respond or reply.

With texts you can not reply. You can say, or text something like this is not a good time to talk. We can talk when it is calmer. I will turn off the phone now. Then do it.

The first time I just went out for the day when my H raged at me I think he was shocked but I was not willing to sit there and be raged at.

You must find confidence and love within. I am still struggling with this, but when she is in the zone, she's not "her". There are many great coping strategies which I won't reiterate, but for the love of anything you believe in, don't deal with the stress negatively. I was an alcoholic for... .5 years, sober for 6-8 months, and then have not stopped drinking for the last 5-6 years because I didn't know how to handle BPD with my SO, and since then have not stopped drinking every night. It was only recently that I discovered that she had BPD, so I am working on effective BPD management, stress management without hitting the bottle, hard.

Ahhhh the text rages... .I get these very often. My way of solving this is an app on my phone that blocks texts.

If he is raging at me in person, I walk out the door. By the time I come back, I usually get the silent treatment for a few days but I use this time to do things that I want to do for my self instead of having to deal with him.

Been there to, When I start becoming all that is wrong, I leave and go do something I enjoy(photography, walk at the park, whatever) If i'm not there, then he can't target me. When I come back I act as though nothing really happened,. I leave it with him and go about my life.If I tried to stay when he gets elevated like that, it usually gets worse, all by his own doing. Later I'll be accused of not caring, but at the time hes doing it, I don't!   

Dysregulating is her behavior, something that you really cannot control.  What you do have control over are your own behaviors. 

   

Re: being on the receiving end of a rage, you can decide ahead of time what your boundaries are and how you will protect yourself from her behavior.  I have never discussed my boundaries with my H.  I just work on being alert to what is happening so I can act on it.  That has helped me to not feel so helpless. 

I don’t block text messages or phone calls.  I read the text messages and listen to the voice mail, so I will know what is on his mind, but I choose not to reply to the ones that involve emotions or relationship issues.  Sometimes one of us will initiate the topic later in person, but a lot of the time it seems as if all he wanted to do is just get something off his chest because he doesn’t even bring it up later in the day.  If the topic does come up, validating can help, especially since for a pwBPD feelings = fact.  The S.E.T. tool – described in the lessons – has helped some, at those times that I’ve been sharp enough to think of it instead of being steamrolled by everything he’s saying.  I've read that for some others, S.E.T. makes their pwBPD angry, but I haven't experienced that here. 

In person, when I detect that my H’s behavior is on the edge, I quietly leave the room.  If I have to, I leave the house.  It was pretty hard for me to do at first.   Who knew it would be so hard to walk out of a room?  Sometimes the quick jabs happen so fast that I don’t have time to get out of the way, but it feels good to be able to walk away and not engage in the bigger stuff. 

Walking away has resulted in a decrease in the dysregulations.  I figure it’s not much fun for a person to have a hissy fit without an audience. 

This is good to hear.  Nearly all of my wife's rages are via text now and always when I set a boundary.  This triggers her into complete craziness.  When this happened about a week ago I didn't respond to any of them.  I just don't think I can validate her feelings via text and follow S.E.T.  I honestly think that there will be no relationship talk of any kind period.  No response at least leads to a quicker diffusing of the situation, but I think a no response can be very invalidating and then of course I get accused of not communicating well which is one of her favorite projections. 

I think you are right about how no response can be invalidating.  Face to face, sometimes I find it really hard to find the right thing to say, so I don’t say anything, and my H doesn’t like that.  Time and time again on this website, I’ve read “validate, validate, validate”, and it does seem as if validation would help your W feel as if you are more communicative.  A couple of times I have found it appropriate to use the “Help me understand…” response that formflier has recommended.  I was in shock when my H responded, “Thank you.”   

There’s rarely any talk of relationship here at our house.  We are just not there yet.  I think it’s a step in a positive  direction that the verbal and emotional abuse have decreased and I haven’t seen anything get broken or fly across the room in almost a year.

Totally agree, let it diffuse for awhile.  If H is too triggered it will be hard to get to that point. 

Thanks everyone, this is helpful.

No offense, but I am glad I am not alone with the text rages.  Yes, it's less personal, but it is easier to handle than in your face.  Once the raging starts, I don't think she can stop it, and I know there's no way I can, and subjecting myself to it just gets me upset, angry, and eventually I do say something stupid and hurtful.

It it starts in person, I'll take as much as I can handle, then leave as my mere presence at that point is too much.  I know this actually reinforces the feeling of abandonment, but I do clearly state that I am leaving for a bit to let things cool down, myself included, and we can talk more when everything is calmer.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.  I have a zero tolerance for physical violence, sometimes she'll try to get physical, at least physically aggressive (stance, pointing, throwing things, etc.) and when that starts, I immediately leave and state why. 

I pick and choose what I respond to with the text raging, trying not to JADE and trying to steer it back to the positive.  She's gets very suicidal at the peak of an episode, and I don't want her to feel like she can't get a hold of me during a timeout.  Maybe this is enabling, I am not sure, but the suicide threat is a tough one to deal with.

Sometimes it seems like a very fine line - balancing it all out between your boundaries, validating, not triggering, and not getting triggered yourself.  It takes a lot of brain work, doesn't it?

Lakota, have you had a chance to search this site for threads about dealing with suicide threats? 

If you haven't seen it, here is a link to the workshop TOOLS:Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79032.msg778608#msg778608 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79032.msg778608#msg778608)

An adult temper tantrum rage is abuse. Pure and simple.  Nobody should HAVE to tolerate a rage.

As Forest Gump says: "and that's all I have to say about THAT"... .

 

Lakota,

It may help to think about it this way.

They rage because they get some sort of reaction from it... .from you. 

What we are trying to teach is for you to have a different reaction... .or not react at all.

So... .when they exhibit good behavior... .you pile on good... healthy responses.

When they exhibit bad behavior... .they are left alone to soothe their own issues.

Eventually... .they may tire of doing what doesn't work... .and move more towards things that get them a good reaction.


Now... .having read some of that general theory... .can you let us know what ways that might apply to what is going on in your r/s? 

Last thought about texting and "abandonment".  I will say something like... ."I'm going to take a break for an hour or something... .hopefully when I come back from break we can talk properly to each other... ."

This does a few things... .let's them have a timeframe... .let's them know it's not just about them... .it's a "we" thing... .(blaming is bad... .even if accurate)... .and also let's them know that if they want to talk to you... .they need to talk properly (no yelling and abuse).

Thoughts?

well said