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Folks... .I'm so burned out.  I have been so consumed with helping my husband recover from his stroke that I'd really forgotten... .or set aside the BPD issues.  I had a talk with him last night.  He tried getting defensive and yelled a bunch, but I held firm.  I told him that the things he was so angry at were being blown out of proportion.  I said that we needed to figure out how to come to some understanding when we disagree without him telling me to leave.  He did end up walking out of the room and retreating to bed, but I think some of what I said got through.  He was much calmer and kinder to me today. 

Did I get myself into this mess because I subconsciously want to be punished the rest of my life?

Rockylove

I hear you - I sometimes ask myself the same question.

After some thought I don't think that I want to be punished and abused for the rest of my life, and I doubt that is the case for you either. 

I ultimately love my SO, and want to help her and I want to have a strong relationship.   What about you?

I know it will never be the relationship dreams are made of... .it isn't possible.  What I see is a man who struggles.  I struggle.  We all have our demons.  I do want him to face some of his.  If he does, it will either get better or worse for us.  I'm prepared for either.  I'm too seasoned to think that the fairy tale can last forever.  It comes and goes.  I love it when it's present.  I long for it when it's not. 

Some days I feel like a caged animal and other days I feel as free as the wind.  I have to remember what I can do for myself that keeps me from sinking in the mire of muck.  We've had several days of extreme weather that has kept me indoors yet too cold to work in my studio (no heat system in the house) and I've huddled by the wood stove in solitude.  I don't speak to him.  I don't want to be bothered with conversation.  I don't want anyone to call me, text me, ask me questions.  I just want to sit.  He's gotten after me about my behavior.  Told me to get my ___ together.  LOL 

I'm just biding my time til spring when I can put my hands in the earth and watch the miracle of the warming earth.  I know I sound a bit lofty... .but my happiness doesn't depend on him being any way other than the way he is... .I have to do what I love... .he'll either come around or not and I'm going to get back to the life I love regardless.  I adore him and want him to be well... .but that's up to him.

I understand this. Once I kinda got the BPD RS balance kind of on track, or at least with a direction, choice, commitment and a working knowledge of tools, along came breast cancer.

This causes a greying out between real needed support and those weak boundaries that allowed the BPD back through. It is hard to apply the tough love that is sometimes needed, and yet you have glimpsed the light through the windows and its like someone has suddenly put bars on the windows and you feel trapped and can't get there.

Patience runs out and you have a mixture of guilt and resentment, and your own actions swing between enabling to keep the peace, and reacting out of frustration. This all results in making everything worse and all you can dream about is escaping.

Unfortunately the only way out is to start with the hard boundaries and making time for yourself again. To the pwBPD this will be like asking them to give up the concessions they have won, so out come the extinction bursts along with no appreciation of everything you have done for them.

You must do it otherwise you will implode.

Waverider... .I feel we are living parallel lives in different worlds on different planets!  LOL  Thank you!  When I shut down, he did better... .has made huge leaps in his progress although his arm/hand still don't function, he's been doing things he's claimed he'd not been able to do.  Won't admit it's because I stopped doing everything or called his bluff, but hey... .I'll take it because that's all he has to give.

Thank you posting this topic. Rockylove- I can feel your pain on so many levels. Wanting the fairytale, knowing you will only get so close before its snapped away. I know that trapped feeling. I have never seen it spelled out so well. Waverider also has this way of cutting straight to the point and explaining it all. This is not meant as some overheap of validation. I'm just so grateful to see exactly what I feel articulated by the two of you. Makes me feel less alone, less confused by my own thoughts, less crazy.

Mine isn't suffering a stroke or cancer but I have enabled him more than I should because of his suicide ideation and depression. I lose sight of my boundaries thinking I am strong enough to bend a little... .until I start feeling that sense of hopelessness again. Like I'm being manipulated. Then comes my resentment. My needs can only go unmet for so long. Then I get bit by depression myself, at least for a little while. I want so bad to feel strong again, loving him unconditionally... how do you do it?

Unfortunately, there's no magic formula, potion, pill or wand.  It's a daily commitment I have to make to myself.  Some days are better than others.  I love my husband unconditionally but don't always like him.  He says hurtful things and I react (rather badly at times) but I'm human.  Jessica84~~I feel for you.  I act the part of a strong woman with secure boundaries in hopes of becoming that person.  Positive affirmations and a bit of theatrics.  lol  The truth is I've never FELT strong although people tell me I am.  I don't have the answer for your question.  I don't even have the answer to my own.

I feel stronger now than I have at any other time in my life. That strength was built on the rocky path I have travelled, not on the idealized delusional soft life I once had.

I know I yet have more to learn, previously I thought I knew everything, yet in hindsight I knew nothing. Awareness is strength in itself

How can you know strength is real if it has never been tested? You are being tested which means the strength you develop will be real and not questionable. Strength alone does not always achieve your goal but it gets you further along your journey.

You are probably stronger now then you once were you just don't know it. Its like a boot camp, half way up that sand dune you dont feel too fit. But you are getting fit. The rewards will come.

|iiii

What waverider said :)

I just saw a viral facebook image today with this quote:


Ain't that the truth!

Mother Teresa has a great quote:

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle.

I just wish he didn't trust me so much."

Amen to that sista!

I think God will not give me anything I can't handle with (his) it's help.  I need to tap into the spirit beyond my realm of understanding to deal with that which I cannot handle on my own.  I'm struggling.  He's irrational and it makes me want to shake him!  argh!