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So my ex and I don't have our final hearing until June 30th, our existing temporary plan only states we alternate every 3 days. I am anal about scheduling, so while programming my phone calendar this morning I realized I happen to have our daughter on Easter, her dad's birthday, her birthday, father's day, hergranndfathers birthday, and 4th of July. I emailed my ex and stated this and told him I was willing to make alternate arrangements so he could have time with her. No response yet. Think I did the right thing?

I think so.

We have to live by our "values" and you were being true to yourself, you want to be fair.

I wouldn't have huge expectations though. Like a "thank you" or reciprocation. I mean hope for the best, but don't expect it?

~DG

His response was that I am only trying to out parent him by being manipulative and it wasn't going to work. And that I should bring up these things at exchanges instead of email. Seriously I am speechless. I'm not responding.

Your ex sounds very paranoid. Why aren't holidays and vacations spelled out in your final order? Do you have a parenting plan? I see nothing but problems ahead.

We share 50/50 custody. My PP addresses Christmas Eve/Day, Thanksgiving Day, Memorial Day, July 4th, Labor Day, Mother's & Father's Day, School breaks (Dec, Feb & Apr). We also have 2 weeks each of non consecutive summer vacation.  We have nothing about the children's or parent's birthdays. It can be adjusted for the holidays that are important to each of you (Easter, Hanukkah, etc) 

There are times that I have to attend activities with my extended family without my kids, but that's the reality of shared custody. I NEVER ask for favors or trades from my uNPDexh. Too big a price to pay.

It sounds like he thinks you just sent that to create a paper trail that proves you try to work with him and be thoughtful of his feelings. Bringing this up at exchanges won't create that paper trail. He's being very court-minded.

Exchanges are absolutely the worst time to have these discussions. The kids shouldn't be in ear shot of any of it. Especially since the BPD is likely to make unreasonable demands and then explode if you say no. Ot force you to say yes to avoid the explosion in front of the kids.

You will need to be clear with him that all communication about parenting will need to be through email. Yes, where it can be seen by the professionals. Otherwise you are adding a whole extra element of instability to exchanges that will only make your life harder. My DH has taken to just saying over and over again "email me" when his BPDex tries to talk to him during exchanges and unless he gets an email regarding what she was trying to say, he acts on nothing.

I have told him that I won't have discussions at exchanges, he is just fighting it. And our exchanges are in the police lobby, not an appropriate place for parenting discussions, and yes I absolutely don't want our daughter present for any talks that could lead to conflict. I just have to stick to my guns.

I sometimes wonder if this is how BPD dads are different than moms. My ex distinctly seemed more interested in the fight than spending time with S13. He would often use opportunities like the kind you mention to wiggle out of seeing S13. It allowed him to be the victim while conveniently making it so he could unload the stresses of parenting.

After a while, it became white noise. And in court, the judge specifically called it stonewalling. That was the first time I realized it had a name that others recognized. I kept getting caught up in the senselessness of it. The courts looked at it like N/BPDx was using every opportunity to stonewall regular functioning on every possible topic, whether it was the schedule, doctor appointments, school stuff, everything. I'm pretty sure if I won the lottery and offered to give N/BPDx some of it he would accuse me of trying to screw him. 

I think you made the right choice and although your ex is twisting things negatively you can look back at the fact that you did the right thing.

incidentally if he is anything like my ex and you didn't tell him about the unbalance in the holidays he might say you were being unfair. that's the way my ex is, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

one of the reasons im wanting to get custody of my daughter is my ex cant share parenting and does not think in fairness or what's best for our daughter. if I do get custody I will always think of fairness and whats best for my daughter before my own feelings.

I cant have discussions in person with my ex either because she likes to argue in front of the kids, so its good to keep it through email

good luck I hope it gets better for you


lol that sounds like my ex she is so paranoid that im up to something

Thank you for calling it stonewalling. I've been reading about that since you used that word and you're exactly right. I called the only pediatric dentist in the area and made her an appointment, I emailed him and told him the appointment info. He responded that " you don't make appointments without my permission. READ the order! That's the way this works. I definitely don't agree. You are not going to do what's best for you through dd, as I do what's best for her through you" his response doesn't even make sense. So I emailed back and said " dd needs a dentist appointment, Dr is the only pediatric dentist in the area, he takes her insurance, I made the appointment a day you are free(he doesn't have a job BTW), is there anything you wish to address?)"He won't respond. Joint custody does not mean I need his permission. I am keeping that appointment.

One time at the police department I tried to tell him she had been having diarrhea. He said " I don't have to talk to you, I just want my daughter" and he lunged to grab her from me. I have that on a surveillance tape from the police department. A few weeks back I emailed him asking if we could sit down and talk about taxed, he told me to stop trying to get him alone to sit down and discuss things. First of all I meant with a mediator, but he refuses mediation. I really want to ask him if he saves our emails and ever looks back on them and sees how crazy he is. He even emailed me and said " we could sit talk at the police department if you didn't have your peanut gallery with you". Sometimes my min comes with me, he's calling my mom that.