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What the hell... .3 months ago we broke up (10th time in 4,5 years, but I'm done recycling) and while we had contact in the first weeks (with me trying to fix it, and her spitting venom on how 'bad' I was and how I made her 10 years older... .sure), we haven't had contact in 2 months or so. Sure, we bump into each other at the same parties and pubs, but we don't talk to each other.

I'm working hard on getting out of the darkness I was left in, I'm on anti depressives and in therapy to get over the depression and after that to work on my co-dependency issues. I even am away from work for a month or so to really work on myself, take small steps. I make lists every day of what I'm going to do, like cook, clean the house, walk around the neighboorhood, stuff like that, stuff you do when you are trying to beat the depression.

And so far, its going better and better. Last night I had a difficult night though, can't explain why. Some nights I miss her more than others I guess. And what do you know, like they freakin' KNOW it or something, this morning I have an email from my ex.

It was a very straigforward, small email where she asked if I had received mail at my house for her. As we lived together last year. Why would she even ask that? She moved out 3 months ago, the first few weeks there came some mail for her and I have given that to her, but 3 months after? Of course there is no mail for you here!

I fail to see the point in emailing me this question. We're totally NC, she has a replacement, she even has me blocked and deleted my phone number. So leave me the hell alone will you! This really makes my blood boil, which perhaps is what she wants to accomplish here. I decided to not mail anything back. Nothing. Complete silence.

Anyone wants to chip in here to make me feel a bit better? It's crazy how a drop of contact can still have such an effect on me.

Well, maybe she was expecting something in the mail and had not received it. Don't read too much into he email. Your progressing and working hard at getting over this hard b/u. Continue on as if it didn't matter.

I know it burns us when we think their life is all perfect with the replacement and all. Why any contact at all? But, you need to be strong. Your doing all the right things to get healthy.

Don't let this one little set back pull you down... .Stay N/C and ignore her. If you had mail you would forward it like a normal person. 

Yeah, could be, but three months after? Why would I still get mail adressed to her? Anyway, yeah if I'd get something I'd send it to her parents (as I don't have her new adress and I want to keep it that way). But I sure as hell ain't going to answer her email. No contact is no contact. I'm staying strong.

Good for you! Can you see this as breaking a pattern on your part? Feeling a need to respond is part of our behavior patterns, a lot of us anyway, and you stopped it in it's tracks. Well done.  |iiii

Yeah, not replying is def. changing a pattern for me. But I can't ignore that the mail stirs something up in me, or else I wouldn't have made this topic. Perhaps I read too much into it, like downwhim says. Even if its innocent, I hate that it stirs something up in me.

Still, the fact that I'm keeping NC makes me feel better, and stronger. Keeping it up!

I know, it is the fact that they stir something up in us! Staying N/C and ignoring her email is so very hard. They trigger us and we want to respond.

I would say it's about control, it was for me. It felt intrusive when I told my ex to go away and leave me alone and she would find a way to initiate contact. It's the crossing of a boundary we put in place for ourselves so we can heal and of course they don't respect, nor understand, how inappropriate it is to cross that line.

It's a difficult lesson to grasp that we have no control over other people's behaviours. We can only take steps to protect our boundaries the best we can. I marked all my ex's email addresses as spam so they went directly to the trash bin and I didn't go looking in there to see if she once again crossed the line. Eventually, the thought of her even attempting was gone.

I agree with what downwhim said, it sounds like she may have been looking for something in the mail and had not received it. I know that her contacting you, but it is perhaps innocent. Of course, with a pwBPD how would you ever know?

It is a good thing that you are scheduling your day and not leaving your daily activities to chance. Keep yourself occupied.

One thing that I would recommend that you consider is forgiving the woman. I know that may sound utterly ridiculous, but it would free you from her and her transgression(s) against you. Forgiveness is an act that you fully control; it has absolutely nothing to do with her. It empowers you, not her. When you forgive someone it puts that person and their transgression(s) against you BEHIND you. You, likewise, move forward.

Ultimately you are responsible for your actions and your life. I know that you are on a journey to once again regain control of yourself. Freeing yourself physically from her was the first step. Accepting that she has a mental disorder and forgiving her might be your next step to freedom. That is wholly within your control my friend.

Imagine you had an accident and had a deep wound on your back that required surgery and stitches.

Now imagine that a friend you hadn't seen in a while came up to you and patted you on the back as he went to shake your hand.

The pain would send you through the roof (and he would profusely apologize, I'm sure).

That's exactly what happened with the email.  She may not have meant a single thing by it, but your wound is so raw and painful that it sent you through the roof.

Understandable - but recognize that you've been triggered, so at this point it's all about you - and about healing your wound.  Don't get lost in trying to figure out why she sent the email - it may be simply face value - she wanted to know if you had any of your mail.

Found out I am also unblocked on social media all of a sudden. I still block her though and I aim to keep it that way. A bit too big of a coincidence if you ask me. Im staying out, no doubt in my mind. Ive been through hell the past five years, no way I would want to prolong my pain. Adios, biatch!

So now she also texted me (even though she was supposed to have deleted my number?) asking if there's mail here for her.

I don't want to answer. I don't want to break no contact. There isn't any mail here for her. It's been three months. Should I just ignore it? I feel kinda bad ignoring her, but I don't want to break NC.  

Edit: and the thing is, when we broke up we agreed that there would be NO direct contact. I had contact with her mom about stuff like the mail coming at my house. If she'd really want to know if there is mail here, she could've just asked her mom to ask me. No direct contact, simple as that.

A pwBPD have difficulties with boundaries on themselves and understanding boundaries of others and she'll text if she says she's deleted your number or not. She may be dissociating ( altering reality ) and saying there's mail there for her to get you engaged. If you know there's no mail, that's truth.

I suggest follow your instincts and don't respond, she's texting for a need for her and don't feel bad, it's time to look out for your needs? It gets easier, you need more time behind you.

It DOES get easier now that I'm three months out. A month or so ago I would've responded, no doubt. I would have followed it up with small talk, trying to keep her engaged. I'm not doing that now anymore.

And yes, it is the truth, there's no mail here for her, end of story. If I'd receive mail I'd forward it to her parents house.

:check:

I think it's not so much about not responding and more so about the emotional response it triggers in us. I found dissociation (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68392.0) had me doubting my reality and kept me engaged and I felt guilty.

I found what helped me is that it's a behavior that my ex partner exhibits often and frequently, and that she alters reality to match her out of place feelings and often to fulfill her needs at the expense of my needs.

These are her behaviors and not mine, I don't feel bad. It's not something that I can control and I can control my emotional response.

And then she called.

Eff that, I'm not answering. Know the boundaries, woman!

Please send some.of that backbone my way. Sounds like you've found the path. Stay on it. Good luck.

Received 4 more calls, ignored them all. Then a text message: "Sight, apparently you can only communicate 'normally' when you are under the influence of drugs and alcohol. It's a shame, but it says enough about you."

The drugs she mentions is when we met each other 5 years ago, I was on some drugs but that is a LONG time ago. And yes, when we bump into each other on parties or in the pub I just say a normal hello. But that doesn't mean I have to pick up the phone, right? It is my RIGHT to stay in NC. All this over a question if I received mail for her? What the hell. Glad I ignored her.

How condescending! Sorry / that's very invalidating. There's nothing more revolting than being used as old supply by a NPD/BPD - btw any response positive or negative will feed this junkie. Let her stew - you're doing right

It's emotional blackmail. (https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog)Guilt in ( FOG )

It's not about mail it's about something that's going on with her.

Don't give a response, it'll eventually die off.

It is absolutely your right to respond to her contact or iniate your own contact with her. That curt text was definitely a malicious attempt to guilt/shame/enrage you into a response. Nothing good or caring was conveyed, all negative. I have several on my phone similar to the one you posted.

And don't I know it. In our numerous recycles, if I'd start ignoring her, she'd bring out the hurtful stuff just to get me to reply. In the old days I would have tried and defend myself after that text message, no doubt. But I'm not doing that now. Replying will only give her what she wants.

Goddamn it feels good to hold the power, for a change.

There you go my friend. YOU are in control. YOU chose. You are correct, YOU have the power. It is very clear in that text that she is attempting to anger you or put you into a defensive position. Great job in keeping yourself under control and not responding!

Got another call this morning. Left it unanswered, of course.

This is freaking me out. Am i being childish for not replying on her question if there's still mail here? Am I giving her the silent treatment? 

Remember what everyone says:  n/c is about YOU and what you need. Put YOUR needs first.

Keeping that in mind, I think you have to decide what's best for YOU.  If you feel that texting a simple answer would stop the calls, and you feel comfortable doing so, a very short reply would be fine. ("None of your mail is here"

If, however, you feel contact will open the floodgates and unsettle you, then remain n/c.

As Mutt always says, take care of you.

Just received a text from her mother asking for the mail, answered politely that there was no mail.

So I guess it was about the mail. Hopefully things will remain silent now.

Wow!  You handled it all very well - good for you!

How does it feel to maintain that boundary?  :)

Nope, no silence: she followed it up with a text message saying that 'its really bad that she had to use her mother to ask for mail. Is that how you act like an adult? But you have shown your true colors. You need to ignore me for mail but you can party and give drinks? Strange logic, CloseToFreedom'

Ignored, once more. Jezus, leave me alone already. The partying and drinks she mentioned was a month ago, as she has taken over part of my friend group and we were all in the same pub. I never talked to her there but we were doing rounds and I was just trying to keep the peace by going along with giving rounds, so I gave her a drink as well. Is that wrong? What the hell.


@jhkbuzz: I thought I handled it well, but thanks to the above message I have doubts again. Was it childish of me? I mean, I was just trying to keep my boundaries. Arg, you just can't win with these people.

Adults put in a change of address when they move so that important mail reaches them and they don't involve their parents in their business.

She's mad that you wouldn't answer and whatever she was looking for she didn't get. And that includes a fight from you. Let her throw her little fit, alone, without a response from you and be done with it, let it go.

It might be a good idea to block her number now. You're not going to respond so why get annoyed with the messages and calls? Receiving calls, texts and mails are still a reminder of her and they could destroy your inner peace. Take back full power, protect yourself from this nonsense and live you own live without added drama!

You did very well closetofreedom! Excellent job!

Man, doing something so good never felt so bad. In one day I got used to the constant calls and the few text messages. Now its silent again. I know that is a good thing! But its still hard. A small setback for sure.

To be honest I am 3 months out too and I still get his mail even though he changed his address with the post office. It is W2 season and I got his in the mail. I wouldn't read too much into it. Whatever you get for her just do the decent thing and give it to her.

No, it was not childish of you.  Her manipulative "goading" of you is what's childish - it's bully tactics if you really think about it.

Have you considered blocking her number on your phone?  This may give you wonderful peace of mind.

And you are correct - you cannot win, so don't enter into the game.

I send her one message, that I find it too bad that she has to use stuff from the old days to try and get my attention. That I want to enforce the original deal: contact about mail (or other stuff) goes through her mother. To enforce that, I will block her number from my phone.

And then I blocked it. No more sudden calls or texts. No more FEARING sudden calls or texts.

Feelsgoodman

Time to change that handle of yours from "ClosetoFreedom" to "FullyFree"

:)

Good for you - let the healing begin!

You sure that the mail was not a pretense for her getting back in touch with you? It seemed to coincide with her unblocking you on social media.

I know mine used to leave something important behind or have some need to contact me on previous recycles that would lend 'plausible deniability' to her motives for contacting me in the even tit didn't go right for her.

No idea. Seems like it wasn't.

1. She send a message when she was still unblocked saying 'I don't have and don't ever want to have anything to do with you anymore'

2. The contact stopped after I made her mom clear that there wasn't any mail here (I also blocked her of course, but if she REALLY wanted to contact me she could send an email)

3. Day after she posted a picture of her and her boyfriend on social media

Of course, all these things don't have to mean a thing. Personally, I find it weird to be this intense about getting into contact for some mail that might have been here. Perhaps she had a small crisis that has blown over already, who knows. All I know is that its completely silent on her front now.

And, I think I know what you mean JRT: that if I had responded normally and kind, she would have been able to test the waters so to speak. But since I wasn't available, she could go fully with the 'mail'-story. Something like that?

I am with JRT, she used the "looking for mail" as a ruse to contact you. There are too many coincidental events occurring... .unblocking you on social media, posting the picture of her and the replacement. That text about "not wanting to have anything to do with you" represents her wanting to have something to do with you. If y'all were already NC then she was in a state of not having anything to do with you. She dissolved what she already had to tell you that that is what she wanted. Really?

This looks like a re-engagement attempt along with triangulation thrown in as a bonus (for her). Their actions always tell the tale.

I have to disagree. I just can't phantom her going for the trangulation thing... .she always struck me as someone very loyal.

Then again, thinking back on things... .when I met her she was still with another man. When we got to know each other better she had no problem in dumping him and hanging out with me the next day. She wasn't even bothered by it. Hindsight, eh? I'm sure she had the new guy lined up before we broke up. I should've known better. History never lies.

Anyway, its totally silent on her end. Either it really was about the mail, or I scared her off. Both situations are good for my health. Now to only get my mind to completely focus on me instead of her. That's been the most difficult thing for me in the past three months.

"Then again, thinking back on things... .when I met her she was still with another man. When we got to know each other better she had no problem in dumping him and hanging out with me the next day. She wasn't even bothered by it. Hindsight, eh? I'm sure she had the new guy lined up before we broke up."

CloseToFreedom,

What you wrote about are examples of triangulation and disloyalty.

Bizarre isn't it, how you brainwash yourself in thinking you have a truly wonderful person with you in a relationship? Especially in the beginning, she made it a point that she would never cheat. I now know why: because I came out of a long relationship with my childhood love that had cheated on me multiple times. It was my weak spot, and she made sure to use it so that I would like her.

In the ten times we broke up in the relationship, she often would go straight to another guy to hang out with him. After a few weeks she always came back. She would blow them off. Of course, she wouldn't officialy be in a relationship with them, and that is the difference now: she IS in a relationship with the new guy. That, and its been three months. Usually it took about two weeks to a month for the next recycle to happen.

So I guess I should take my blindfolds off. Its just that I am unable to process that after all that happened, she would try and get back to me. She seems to HATE me. Then again, she always hated me when we broke off. The important thing is this: that I, under no circumstance, would take her back. NEVER. I have to be strong. Was my life better when I was with her compared to now? Well, yes, but thats also because right now Im in a serious depression. Its not wise to compare the two situations.

I'm realising more and more that I'm awefully co-dependent. I think about the future, about the spring and summer, and I think about how I want to share good times with someone, how I want to enjoy time with someone. Of course, often my ex fills in this fantasy in my head, but it is not about her. She wasn't good to me. She was often moody, expected me to do everything, would complain time and time again about the things I did wrong. I often felt manipulated. What I felt for her, wasn't real. It was real, but it wasn't for her. It was the idea of being in a relationship, loving someone and being loved. I need to work on that before I hop on to the next girl, as tempting as it may be.

Wow, I amaze myself with these words. Its scary to type it down, but at the same time liberating.

I do have to say I would enjoy finding out she would want to get back with me. Maybe God is looking out for me this time, making sure she won't try until Im more healed, so that I am strong enough to say no. Whenever we would split up, I used to pray to him for another chance, and I always got it. Perhaps this was His way to teach me, and the lessons (about this subject) are over now. Maybe He's keeping her away from me so I can fully heal. I'm not even really religious, but thinking like this helps.

Sorry you are enduring this... .be strong.

That's a GREAT way to look at it - a wonderful way to begin to assign meaning to what's happened to you and to focus on your own healing.

I am almost 7 months post b/u and I want the same things as you... .someone to share my life with, someone who loves me (in ACTIONS), someone who I can trust, and someone who is whole.

I've also recognized that I'm in an important "season" of my life... .that I have work to do on myself before I can move into a r/s with someone else.  I've made this choice - to go out, to make friends, meet new people, even to go out on dates when the opportunities arise... .but no serious r/s's. Not yet.  There's work I need to do on myself, insights to be discovered and wounds to be healed - and I don't want to squander this opportunity by being "distracted" by someone shiny and new.

That's what my ex does.

God, I'm driving myself totally INSANE tonight. I am THIS close to sending her an email or text where I tell her that I am sorry that I was ignoring her and that I was so blunt - that it is just to try and heal myself, that I'm in a depression and on medication, that the door is always open if she changes her mind about her current bf. I'm pathetic. I can't send it - it would just entertain her.

You are an addict in the throes of an addiction.  Distract yourself - go out, call a friend, go to the gym - DO something.  But don't send it!

I won't do it. Some mates are coming by later and then I'm going to hit town.

Still, it's difficult. It's like my mind is split in two: one half thinks about the ___ty things she's done, other half thinks about the good things she's done. Its almost like two different personas.

I know brother I know... .same here... .I wish that I lived in the UK, I'd buy you a pint.

Haha, well thats going to be one expensive pint, as I live in the Netherlands  But I appreciate the thought!

Cheers!

I can soo relate to that... .it kept my brain in a perpetual state of spinning confusion for years.  But I no longer struggle with it - I have finally - both intellectually and emotionally - accepted that all of her behaviors are part of her. As I said in a recent post, "both the lovely, wondrous AND the callous and deceitful" behaviors - all her. This understanding has arisen (in part) from the acceptance that I was fooled at the beginning of the r/s - she was not the person she presented herself to be. (I say this without malice, and I don't think this was malicious or premeditated on her part either. It's typical of the disorder).

A wonderful thread, speaking below about the non disordered partner:

It is their desire of wanting a good relationship with the disordered person that overshadows the acceptance of the disordered person, the disorder, and the dynamics that flow out of the relationship. Usually, the disordered person is seen as two people existing in one body. There is the loving, euphoric, fun to be around person that everyone adores, and then there is the lying, manipulating, dark side that we tend to want to keep away from. It is because this split exists in our minds, that the doubt is allowed to linger and grow, giving us hope that the next time will be different. We try to choose one side of the person, rather than accepting that there is one person with vast ranges of emotional capacity, from the far left side of bad to the far right side of good.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95860.msg1008525#msg1008525 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95860.msg1008525#msg1008525)

So, I blocked her on my iphone but apparently this doesn't go through to all Apple systems... .so I was on my ipad yesterday to listen to some music and then I saw that she replied to my one message about leaving me alone and blocking her. I had three text messages.

Message one: 'So you don't have to listen to the rules and I have to. How many times have you broken the rules? And what is so difficult in answering a normal question? A 'no' would have been sufficient. And then you wouldn't have to ignore me for 3 days. You are the one that wanted to act normal to me. I got angry because you ignored me and that seems pretty logical to me because it isn't kind. Because when we see each other in real life you CAN say hello. But then you are obviously under influence.

Message two: And I think its terrible that I have to tell this to my mom and that she has to do it for me. We are adults, aren't we? I don't mind making contact with you anymore because I don't have feelings anymore. I used to go through my mom because I was angry.

Message three: But there isn't any mail anymore so there won't be anything worthwile coming in. So you're done with that as well  It all works out itself (and a celebration smiley/icon here).

I wish I didn't read these messages, I wish I had her blocked on my ipad too, because the messages irritate me to no end. The feel so... .entitled? Am I wrong? She tries so hard to look like an adult but her messages feel anything but mature. This was always a thing in our relationship, as there's a 7 year difference between us (with me being older). She somehow always thinks she is the mature one and I am the child. Infuriating.

Someone wants to turn their opinion about the re engagement around? These messages read like she is really done with me. Of course, what do you know, as soon as I read these messages (and she probably got a 'messages read' notification, there was another picture of her with the replacement on social media.

I'm glad I am out because there is nothing mature about this, but she gets under my skin... .arg!

Mate, a few weeks ago I get a text message out the blue. 'WOW, came home and thought your car was outside. Would have been so nice to see you'. A house I haven't been near for three months.  Our last contact weeks prior to this had been her going nuts. Turns out this came the day after she split with my replacment. I think she made up a cock and bull story to justify communication. Test the waters, assure herself that people are still available. Trouble was I got sucked in by trying to be chatty and friendly. She's dropped me like a hot stone I the past 48 hours. And now I'm back on here . . .

I absolutely understand what you are saying, but this doesn't seem to be the case here. She's with the replacement and seems pretty happy about it.

I often think about breaking contact and sending an email where i tell her how I really feel, how I'm in a depression and on meds and thats why contact isn't good for us. But what good would that do? Nothing. She'd probably laugh about it.

The common point with your original post is that they'll come up with questionable reasons to initiate contact purely for their own ends. When my ex was happy she didn't have a word for me. I'd question the extent of the happiness you speak of if you are on her mind. She'll be searching for more emotion to vacuum up in an attempt to fill her empty soul.

I wrote letters and letters and letters to my ex. Helped me identify my feelings, rather than have a load of hurt swirling around, and by committing them to paper some of the weight lifted.  I didn't send a single one but, aside from finding bpdfamily, was one of the best things I could have done.

Yeah, I did that the first month and a half, I wrote almost a letter a day to her (that I kept for myself). Eventually I didn't see the point in it anymore. I was slowly getting over her but the contact this past week has set me back a good notch. Guess its time to work through it again. The good weather here in my country the past couple of days also hasn't helped. Its been exactly a year that we moved in together in this house and the good weather reminds me of stuff we did.

The advantage is that this time you know what works for you. And because of that it'll be easier. As much as it sucks you'll be at a low ebb at some point in the future too but that will be easier to deal with then because of this time. It's a long hard road out of hell but you WILL escape.

*mod*

This is a worthwhile topic, but this thread has reached its posing limit. Please feel free to start a new topic to continue the discussion.