Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship => Topic started by: GrowThroughIt on March 08, 2015, 08:15:52 PM

Title: You can't...
Post by: GrowThroughIt on March 08, 2015, 08:15:52 PM
Hey all... .

I'm having one of my down nights again. For anyone who may have noticed some of my earlier threads, you would know I go from high to lows and vice versa numerous times throught out the day/night.

I think it is safe to say that I have made "logical" sense of the "r/s" I had or at least thought I had. I know logically I do not want to get back with my ex. I hit on an epithany tonight, I'm upset because my heart hurts, and it hurts because I put MYSELF in that position. I gave someone everything and divulged everything about me. My childhood dreams were answered by my ex (to have a happy, healthy and functional family, unlike the one I was born into) but alas I could not with her. She felt like the parent I never had. She seemed understanding, empathic, loving and seemed to share the same ideals. The facade then crumbled and my childhood truama "reopened".

Why do I say all of this? Well, I always hear people say, myself included, "I want things to go back to how they were before I met my ex. I want to feel like that again. I was happy then."

The truth is, you can never go back to how things were. This is all a learning curve and you will never be able to disregard (consciously or unconsciously) the lessons dished out.

We can confront the childhood truama's. Or wallow in self pity picking over the bones of something that became rotten long ago. Either way, things will not go back to how they were.

Ultimately, how happy were we before meeting our ex? How healthy were we? Me personally, looking back on it, I was not happy or healthy, at least not deep down. I always thought I was since I overcame my own narcissism in my late teens. I thought I had myself comoletely figured out. I guess I am thankfull for my ex coming into my life and being the way she was, it has taught me a lot about MYSELF!

It's scary to think things will not go back to how they were before meeting my ex. I guess the saying was true in my case, ignorance (to the extent of my unresolved childhood truama's) was bliss. But only for a short time. Then I met my ex and reality hit.

It's scary to think that I am at a crossroad and must now confront my own issues. I guess I wanted things to go back to how they were because I was blissfully ignorant. But truth be told, I'd rather not be ignorant and actually build myself up with substance.

You can't go back. You can only move forward.

Title: Re: You can't...
Post by: ReluctantSurvivor on March 08, 2015, 10:33:55 PM
Hi Grow,

  I go through the ups and downs myself.  Looking back at my life, I wasn't happy or healthy before my BPD experience.  If I had been, I would have ran for the hills and been happy and healthy by myself when the red flags kept popping up.  You seem to have your head right about learning from this pain.  It takes the heart a long time to catch up, and it is going to hurt.  I have more good days than bad but every once in a while I feel like I have been punched in the heart for no reason.  The way a pwBPD connects with us causes a double hit when they leave, not only do we have the grief of losing them, but we also are left with old core wounds being torn open, the very unhealed wounds that make us susceptible to a BPD's charms.  For me I realized that I grew up in a highly dysfunctional environment, it took me going to therapy to realize this even though it was right in the open, my mind chose to forget it.  All the pain of a borderline experience can be cashed in to heal ourselves, when we are so deeply hurt and broken down, we have the perfect opportunity to put all the pieces back together right. 

Title: Re: You can't...
Post by: Turkish on March 08, 2015, 10:41:15 PM
You are right about going forward. One aspect of BPD is a seeming inability to learn from past mistakes. An older work friend who's known me 23 years told me that this experienced changed me more than any other time since he's known me since I was 20. I have a dBPD in my life who's reached out to me (she's dealized me for almost 30 years), but my boundaries are much firmer. I'm the old family friend, the older brother figure... .from a distance.

Title: Re: You can't...
Post by: Perfidy on March 09, 2015, 01:11:08 AM
You don't have to go back. You're right. You can't go back from something that you haven't left. Furthermore, you can't escape your self. This isn't an illusion, it's real. However, it's like an illusion.

Title: Re: You can't...
Post by: Copperfox on March 09, 2015, 11:02:01 AM
I personally feel like I've learned some very powerful lessons about life and love.  I cannot go back to the way I was before.  But maybe this is something I needed.  The thing about BPD traits is that we all exhibit them sometime.  We all can be impulsive, become emotionally dysregulated, need validation.  Not in the extreme way of pwBPD, but still.  Understanding these things can be useful in any relationship.

I always think I'm wise, but I'm always being proven a little naive    I will use these lessons to spur me forward.