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One on the most confusing things of BPD is the end game. After 20 years in a BPD marriage I would think the suprise factor would be decreasing. Having the need for constant attention, looking her best at any given moment, I also thought she was waiting for her next upgrade in the husband department, then she changes directions. I do think I will be kicked to the curb again at somepoint... .but.

She is mad she doesnt have cancer. Yep. You read that correct. We had a brief scare that required additional biopsy and testing. Luckily everything came out positive from the perspective of good health, however, she feels the doctor is wrong and knows something is wrong with her, despite the facts.  How do I validate those feelings? Do pwBPD really feel this way or is it attention. Of all the hallmarks, she has never displayed self harm and conversely been obsessed with her looks and preservation.

Hi Bobcat.

Do you get the feeling her reaction goes beyond general paranoia?

She got a taste for empathy and support that was for a tangible reason. She found that comforting and so wants it back. She is mad at having this empathy supply removed.

It is common for some to go from one visible 'ailment' to another. My partner does this.

Most people struggle to provide empathy for invisible emotional ailments, it is much easier for something that is physical and recognizable.

It is common for some people who have experienced cancer scares to keep up the pretense to the point of even fraud by accepting charity and fund raisers.

Here's what has happened multiple times over the past couple days:

I make some random comment in a thread, then WaveRider posts her own comment and hits it out of the park.

I read your comment last night and had a head-desk moment. My W does this.

WaveRider:

The facilitator of head-desk.

My wife does this too.  She used to tell everyone how she and the kids never got sick. In the last two years, she has had something wrong about 50% of the time. 


With my wife, I see the real parallel between "issues" that she focuses on rather than our marriage and her physical ailments that pop up all the time rather than dealing with her mental illness.  If she has something tangible to deal with, then that "must be the problem" and therefore once that is gone, then she will be "fine".  I see this as a diversionary tactic that she may or may not realize she is doing.  As high functioning as my wife is, I would be shocked if she didn't understand on some level.

My W proudly states that's she's immune to pain. As her lows become less frequent, her ailments are increasing and she blows them out of proportion. A cold, back pain, stomach problems, even a piece of her fingernail that she stepped on in the bathroom. Unrelenting comments. The funny thing is, she never talks about her legitimate problems, like our upcoming move, her unemployment and her lack of money.


I'm glad you brought this up. I'm going to have to give it some thought.

Very interesting thread! I have seen the pattern of physical ailments as well. Last night, I told my husband some really hard truths. Today, he isn't feeling well and his body hurts. I mentioned needing something at the store and he said that he wouldn't be able to stop because his foot hurts too much for him to walk. Over the years, I always thought it odd that it seemed like when it was time to work he would develop the need to go to the bathroom. Or, something else would come up. Now that he has been diagnosed as diabetic, his blood sugar is the perfect reason for him to feel bad.

Waverider nailed it, BC. This is common for pwBPD; my wife loves to be sick because she craves the empathy and attention.

Replace the attention she got from the cancer scare with something else. Take her to dinner, buy her flowers and make a big deal over the fact you are happy she is well.

FYI make that his :)

Good to hear from you Cole.

She gets nothing but attention in many, many forms... .including weekly flowers.

But are you meeting her "victim" need by providing her fix of "rescuer'?

Not saying you should, but often when someone feels they are "busted" and you tell/show them they are special, they can read it as "you dont understand what I am going through'. They want the sympathy for being sick, not attempts to make them feel better.

They can get stuck and wallowing in victim mode and don't want to be taken out of it. Being a perennial victim defines who they are, outside of that is out of their comfort zone. The perennial victim needs a perennial rescuer, who is always rescuing, but never succeeds. Its the act not the result they are after. This is the foundation of neediness. It is a process that has no end.

Like a river that needs water, without constant addition of water, the river stops being a river. You simply run out of water trying to maintain the river. They want the drama and movement of being a river not a stagnant pond

Other times a hug and flowers will do wonders.

This is why trying to rescue/fix apwBPD can be so frustrating. You need to cap it somewhere.