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Title: Timeouts Post by: Loosestrife on March 22, 2015, 05:47:15 AM How do you take a time out if your BPD SO will not agree to any ground rules such as how long the time out is for or letting me know where they are?... .most of the time I don't even get the chance to suggest a time out as they are out out the door. Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Timeouts Post by: gomez_addams on March 22, 2015, 07:43:32 AM My uBPDw hates when I leave an argument. When I feel myself about to yell and go on the attack, the discussion is over. I let her know I'm taking a walk or going for a drive or something.
Unfortunately, sometimes I give in and end up screaming at her first. So I'm sure walking out at that point is twice as bad. I figure the ground rules have to be laid out first, although my SO won't admit to violating ground rules, so that's tough to do. Gomez Title: Re: Timeouts Post by: sweetheart on March 22, 2015, 11:15:06 AM Hello L,
Remember you have no control over what your SO chooses to do in that moment, so if she leaves, doesn't tell you where she is going, doesn't answer your texts or calls, unless you believe there is a safety issue, sitting it out until she returns is where it's at. My h used to do this at the drop of a hat when dysregulated and it triggered my insecurities about him leaving me. Once I accepted there was nothing I could do to stop him leaving or indeed to make him come back I was able to wait it out. On occasion I have involved the police because sometimes he was in a terrible state on leaving the house, they would do a Welfare check. I can't pretend it felt nice when he went, but he did it a lot and it got easier. If you need some time-out, just let your partner know you are going out until things are a bit calmer and will be back in... .give an approx time. Taking time out when things are escalating can be a useful way of diffusing a potential full on dysregulation and it can help you not to JADE. Title: Re: Timeouts Post by: Loosestrife on March 22, 2015, 07:48:26 PM Hello L, Remember you have no control over what your SO chooses to do in that moment, so if she leaves, doesn't tell you where she is going, doesn't answer your texts or calls, unless you believe there is a safety issue, sitting it out until she returns is where it's at. My h used to do this at the drop of a hat when dysregulated and it triggered my insecurities about him leaving me. Once I accepted there was nothing I could do to stop him leaving or indeed to make him come back I was able to wait it out. On occasion I have involved the police because sometimes he was in a terrible state on leaving the house, they would do a Welfare check. I can't pretend it felt nice when he went, but he did it a lot and it got easier. If you need some time-out, just let your partner know you are going out until things are a bit calmer and will be back in... .give an approx time. Taking time out when things are escalating can be a useful way of diffusing a potential full on dysregulation and it can help you not to JADE. Thanks both Sweetheart - did the leaving/walking out reduced when you stopped reacting? Title: Re: Timeouts Post by: waverider on March 22, 2015, 08:10:28 PM Not reacting in the moment is one of the most difficult yet important changes to make.
In BPD relationship issues are repeated,(if they are not is not a big problem). So it is best not to reaction but take what has happened on board, then give some careful thought so you are prepared for next time something similar happens again. Trying to "have it' out in a reactionary way with a pwBPD is pointless they are simply more experienced at this and have no rules of engagement when triggered. It will only make things worse. Time outs occur when conflict level are arising, attempting to negotiate or agree on anything is pointless. If you leave because you are triggered only you can determine how long is necessary. Likewise if they are triggered only they can decide how long. There is absolutely no mileage to be gained from trying to debate agreement over that. It is controlling, and that is probably the perception the issue is over in the first place. Title: Re: Timeouts Post by: sweetheart on March 23, 2015, 06:26:50 AM What I noticed is he began to calm down quicker if I let him get on with it. Depending on the length of time he was gone I would sometimes send a one off text saying 'I love you see you when you get home.' It was really a way of making it ok for him to return.
The running out of the house thing went on for about a year, but he was really unwell at the time and I hadn't really got to grips with not JADEing at this point. Withdrawing sooner in any conflict for me was what stopped the running off. He hasn't done it for over a year now, and this coincides with me being quicker to not engage in any potential conflict and being better at recognising warning signs and potential triggers. It takes time. Title: Re: Timeouts Post by: IsItHerOrIsItMe on March 23, 2015, 08:22:54 AM Not reacting in the moment is one of the most difficult yet important changes to make. Time outs occur when conflict level are arising, attempting to negotiate or agree on anything is pointless. If you leave because you are triggered only you can determine how long is necessary. Likewise if they are triggered only they can decide how long. There is absolutely no mileage to be gained from trying to debate agreement over that. It is controlling, and that is probably the perception the issue is over in the first place. My wife's favorite tool is to tell me how childish it is to leave a discussion... . We did agree to a 30 minute limit (her daughter, my step-daughter as the mediator). Of course that was more than an hour ago so that no longer matters to her since it isn't getting her what she wants... .NOW Title: Re: Timeouts Post by: waverider on March 23, 2015, 08:36:49 AM My wife's favorite tool is to tell me how childish it is to leave a discussion... . Doesn't really matter what she believes, but what you believe. leaving is a boundary issue. as long as your boundaries and reasons for them are clear in your own mind. This is where it is easier to get it right when it is not reactive. You will be accused of being rude/childish/a bully/stubborn/difficult, especially if it gets you to reconsider. |