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Given their disorder, does it mean ALL their relationships will be full of drama, short lived and fail?

The odds are stacked against success. I was ready to endure so much, with the exception of the lies and lining up replacement, after being told that honesty was her core principal.

Defining success in these relationship is impossible. I applaud anyone who can endure a lifetime living with a pwBPD. Ultimately success boils down to how much a non can take, how much they are willing to overlook. I thought I had the strength but I didn't.

With that said, if anything guided me to realize the futility of trying to make things worth, it was the folks on BPD Family. We all need to come to our conclusions and in our own time. No one could convince me that it wasn't possible. No one. However, in the end, I had to succumb and admit that I couldn't endure it all.

It was at the turning point, that I suddenly appreciated the value of the stories I have read here. It not only shed light and confirmed what I was dealing with but it also made me realize that I needed to look after me.

As so many have said, unless the pwBPD is wiling to put blood seat and tears into therapy, they can't change. It stinks, but this is our reality.

Look on the staying boards.

There are people on there who have been with their BPD for 10 years plus.

They ain't happy

I was with my ex 9.5 yrs, knew her for 10. She didn't exhibit "unusual" behaviors to me until about year 6. Last year at year 9.5 only then did she go full blown BPD. I had no idea about the disorder. My ex is a therapist. She never mentioned it. I honestly don't think she thinks she has relationship problems. I base this on never ever once seeing her break down and ask "is there something wrong with me?" Unfortunately, I believe she has narcisstitc tendencies as well.

Having said, girl had to have her dose of drama for sure... .

When I met mine, she had one and only one friend. Even that friendship was one that she distanced herself from. There were three others that eventually made it up on scene later on that (after being here after the fact), she had painted black and gave the silent treatment - clear as a bell. About midpoint through our r/s, she painted them white and began speaking to them again but expressed nothing but criticism and contempt for them. She rarely saw them or hung out with them even then.

She had no friends from work to speak of and even had a strange r/s's with her family members.

From my perspective and experience, they have the same faux relationships that they have with their romantic attachments.

Here's my experience:

Things have changed with her post-breakup, she looks like she is really branching out more now, albeit always with a very fake smile, so I can not be sure... .

She had ONE identifiable true friend who lives across the country. This girl is FULL of drama, probably a great way for my ex to get her 'fix' of it.

My ex seems to be able to have 'surface' or 'compartmentalized' friends, friends involved in a sports team, organization, etc. Outside of that, it seems very difficult for her to maintain true friendships.

That's my two cents.

This is a helpful topic thanks

Full of drama? Yes.

Short lived? Define it. Some put up with their crap for many decades.

Fail? What does fail mean? Ended? No, you can put up with it for the rest of your life if you want. But it's not going to change.

If you were to watch a romantic movie with a man and woman in a r/s, the man loved the woman, and the woman hated and abused the man. What would you think? Would you sit there and go "well maybe if he just puts up with more of it and they make the movie 5 hours long instead of 2, she's going to change." or would you say "wow, that woman is really mean to him, he needs to get out now"?

What defines failure?

I guess relationships with a pwBPD that end because the non has had enough could be what defines failure in a BPD r/s and/or the pwBPD running away or leaving abruptly. Of course those things happen in relationships between nons too.

I think it helps to look at what a successful relationship is - those grounded in love, care, respect and trust; those that are made up of two people who give 100% to each other and to the relationship. Those where both people are working together jointly in and on the relationship. Those where both people are partners.

Different people of course will never have the same relationship, and where we may have 'failed', someone else might stay. I am not sure that staying defines 'success' however, perhaps just tolerance and/or extreme patience. I would also go on to say however, that it is well known and documented that pwBPD do not just 'recover', without years and years of therapy and DBT. And even then there is not full recovery (that seems to be very very rare) - there is only 'improvement'.

I didn't want to be a caretaker in my r/s with my exBPDgf. I wanted someone who loved and respected me, someone who could show empathy, someone who respected my feelings. I wanted someone who could be an equal partner. I was NEVER going to have that.

For undiagnosed pwBPD, or those who do not do the years of therapy, and for those whose replacement is not God or a saint or Mother Theresa or a zen monk, I think there will always be failure.

The illness is a cruel, bitter loop which is destined to repeat itself for the rest of their lives. Idealization ---> enmeshment -----> fear, hate and loathing -------> dyregulation ------> discarding = fail.

That depends what your definition of failure is.

In my instance, i do not believe the BPDx will ever have any meaningful relationship. Relationships work best when the two people compliment each other and make one another better and stronger. Every relationship the BPDX has had it's one person bending over backwards to help her out. She brings absolutley nothing to the table and i get the feeling that she feels like others are obliged to help her.

You win.

By "failure" I meant "unable to maintain a happy, healthy, lasting committed relationship with one partner."

I just killed myself laughing at this post.  To the point.  And SOO true.

My grandfather (God rest his soul) said once "any fool can get married, but it takes a wise man to get Un-married". Perhaps this was loosely pertaining to a BPD spouse.  (Of course, in his day, this mental affliction was yet to be identified). 

My ex is now 46, I don't think she is ever going to figure it out. She has had 2 failed marriages, non-stop issues with her kids/family, and always had friend drama. It's like she is 13 and trying to make adult decisions and they are all wrong.

Sorry to hear about that man. Hope you are recovering though from your experience.

Same as my exgf, except only 1 marriage down the drain. I was her first r/s after her separation/divorce so I was the test model. I failed. Good luck new guy(shows up a week after dumping me), your going to need it. That girl you knew in college aint the same anymore!

When I met my ex, her best "friends" were females that she had met on a band's message board.  She had very few real-life friends, which she blamed on moving around so much after her parents divorced.  She communicated with them on there (usernames), then branched off into real life (texting/Facebook).  She had only met one of them in person, at a meet and greet for said band.   red-flag  She quit her job shortly after we met (weren't dating yet) and caught a flight to where one of these "friends" lived and stayed with her for two months.  Why?  She hated living with her mom.   red-flag  She became close to me (texting) while she was there, and came back in love, and that's when our in-person relationship started.  We had a month of a distance relationship.  When I finally saw her as my girlfriend, it was only about the fourth time I had seen her in person.   red-flag  She had worn out her welcome with the "friend" by the time she came back (frankly, I think her friend was jealous that she was leaving her to come back to me) and they were barely speaking.  In the five years since, other than casual Facebook exchanges, there hasn't been any true communication, and she hasn't seen her.  We weren't allowed to discuss that entire period in front of her mom, because my ex said it was "too weird."  My ex told me later that she had went to stay with the friend with the intention of finding a job and moving in with her, but couldn't find one.  I also entered the picture.  She essentially replaced the friend with me.   red-flag  I didn't realize that until I was replaced later on.

She is only really close with one of them still, again, a girl from across the country that she has never met in person, but texts endlessly every day.  She and I took a vacation to where this girl lives in December, and they made plans to meet up, but it didn't happen.  When it came time to literally get on the subway to head to where she was, my ex said that it was too far out of the way and would throw off our vacation schedule.  We were only going to meet her for coffee.  I wasn't surprised at all that it ended up not happening.

My ex would make "work friends" and have intense spurts where she would hang out with them.  I was never asked to join her, although significant others were prominent when they would all go out.  One of these "friends" eventually became her roommate when she moved off to college (the friend broke up with her boyfriend, my ex needed a roommate to pay half of the rent).  EVERY DAY I heard about how this friend was a lunatic, couldn't load the dishwasher, left dishes everywhere, how my ex had to walk on eggshells around her as even the slightest comment could set the friend off... .yeah, I saw the irony.

Then the friend moved to another state, and my ex would continue to devalue her.  But it's funny, the last two times she replaced me, she has taken the new guy out to dinner with this friend (and her boyfriend).  She took her new guy out two weeks ago with her... .the previous time they hung out?  When she took the LAST replacement to meet her in October.  Maybe it's because it's another couple they can hang out with, but I also think she wants this girl's approval, despite everything she has said.  This girl has treated her like crap the entire friendship, yet she still goes to her.  It's like our relationship, but reversed.


All of my ex's current friend group are co-workers.  Co-workers she previously complained about and had no value for.  Co-workers she only started hanging out with within the last two months, when she began to devalue/break up with me.  Her new guy was part of that group.  But after breaking up with me, she couldn't be alone, so she started hanging out with all of them in individual groups/cliques.  It was amazing to see from a BPD perspective.  She'll find a way to discard them eventually, just like all of her other "work friends" that she doesn't associate with anymore, but sure as hell keeps on Facebook.

I've already talked about her "best friend" that she has never met that lives across the country.  She is as neurotic as my ex, and I can remember my ex saying "I had to turn off my Read Receipt on my iPhone because she sent me about 15 texts in a row last night (about her own life) and I didn't want to deal with them."  Chaos compliments chaos.

Full of drama: yes. Short-lived: maybe. Doomed to fail: depends on how you judge success.

I was married for 20 years to my BPD wife. Realistically, we were probably happy for the first one or two. Following that it was 18 years of FOG and me trying to make things work for the sake of the children. Big mistake.

My subsequent GF who I fell for very (too) soon after separating from my wife turned out to BPD also. It was 9 months of intense happiness followed by a very sudden and painful discard from out of the blue. Plus more pain for my children, whom she got close to.

My recent girlfriend replaced me pretty quickly with someone who I believe is married. Like most on here, I wonder how long it will last. Will he be suckered into leaving his wife for her etc? The bottom line though, is that what awaits him is either the short sharp shock I got, or at best a long and painful BPD relationship, similar to the one I had with my exW. As I see it, there is no other way.

Would I want to relive either of those experiences? NO THANKS!

Six months out from the split with my exGF and the pain is still strong. I'm still alone, and my replacement is in her bed, just down the road. As hard as it is not to feel angry and jealous, once the honeymoon period is over history will repeat itself and the length of the relationship will reflect nothing more than the new guy's codependency and tolerance, not how happy and functional they are together.

My ex's current replacement for me is a guy who was married when she last talked about him to me in December.  He was married to his high school sweetheart, from the same town, same group of friends.  I can't imagine my ex being a homewrecker, so I'm assuming his marriage ended on its own and he and my ex have found each other.  A double rebound relationship.  I'm sure that will end well.

In short, yes. One of the people in these relationships is incapable of the range of emotions that make relationships work. How can this ever work out in the end?

My ex-GF is I believe on a baby making mission. She has some fertility problems and is desperate for children, but had convinced herself she never could. She effectively became a new mother to my children in very short time, and encouraged me to take custody of them... .a good idea come what may.

I suspect a married man is a low attachment way of seeing what happens. One way or another, I think he's in for quite a shock before too long.

I will give a yes and no answer on your question. (I am thinking that maybe a career in politics might suit me! lol)

Yes, a relationship with a pwBPD will fail if it becomes intimate (I am not only speaking of sexual intimacy. There are other facets of intimacy that are just as deep or deeper.) Intimacy triggers in the pwBPD the fear of abandonment and/or the enmeshment dialogue. The BPD's maladapted coping mechanisms are activated, and the self-fulfilling prophecy ensues (The relationship is terminated by either party.). To actually know that you were/are close to a pwBPD is borne out in the fact that they rejected you. (Yes, it is a sad and hollow realization indeed.)

No, they, the pwBPD, can actually establish and maintain quasi relationships quiet well. These relationships are not destined for failure. These are non intimate attachments. They are not what a normal person would label as true friendships or true romantic relationships. The Non's in these relationships are basically enablers due to ignorance as they have never seen/experienced the full spectrum of the BPD disorder in the pwBPD. If/when one of these quasi relationships becomes intimate, failure is imminent. (An orbiter who becomes a replacement is indeed destined to become a victim.)

Thanks. I was a complete toxic mess for nearly a year before I went NC. I still have bad days but they aren't as bad as when she discarded me... .I felt like I was going to die because I missed her and loved her so much. I don't know if this gets said enough on here: NC is the ONLY way to begin the healing process when dealing with the relationship end.

Same she had fallen out with a friend (just as selfish as her) and had zero friends apart from some guys she used to work with (who of course had ulterior motives)

Her one gf was in aus at the time , and she has never had and always wanted a large group of friends to hang out with . even through our r/s she only had that one friend apart from aquaintinces who tired of her or she discarded for imagined slights . before she left me she made a new gf and proudly told me she no longer needs me as a friend as she has some now .

I've met this gf and she is a selfish piece of work so good luck with that I also found her reaching out after the BU to an old college aquaintaince who she found and never felt any real affinity for my point being people find her exhausting and not easy to be friends with . like all of us nons this seems to be a common theme with BPD xs

Still inshock,

How would you feel if they were doomed in all relationships?

How would you feel if they were not?

For a while I wanted to believe that my exs relationships were all doomed because our had failed and if they did it would validate I wasn't the problem. 

Wouldn't it certainly be validating to know that their other relationships had failed? I definitely see the though process behind that

I agree with your sentiments. It depends on what you consider "success". The non will almost surly be miserable (or, at least, more unhappy than if they had left the relationship). I truly fell into the profile of a "rescuer". I tried, I put everything I had into the relationship. When I read the stories of people in the first year of their relationship talking about how they want to make it... .It just hurts to read that. To read the hope in their tone... .It makes me want to go back to myself at that time, slap him, and tell him not to be stupid.


But, I also agree that everyone comes to terms in their own time. My mom's stuck in the relationship with my father (Who doesn't have BPD, but has a smorgasbord of other mental health crap). I feel so sorry for her. Looking back on her life... .Who she is, who she was... .what she sacrificed. I mean, obviously I'm happy I was born, but the cost she's paid, and continues to pay. She's been with him for decades and at this point (they're in their 60's) I don't see her leaving, or knowing what to do if she tried. She deserves better, and he's a master at gaining sympathies.

My advice is leave. You deserve better than a life of stress, heartache, headache, and mental gymnastics.

As for the original question, is there success... .If there is, it would be my parents. They're still together. But the cost of that success is staggering. Kind of like being "successful" in rebuilding a totaled car. Sure, you have your 67 Challenger back, but it has cost you more than buying a brand new Hellcat,  and there's still that engine knocking you need to take care of, you already need to replace the spark plugs,  sometimes it doesn't start, and sometimes the engine will ping when you hit the gas (BUT SUCCESS IT WORKS (technically!))

Fractured, the hardest part is the wondering about what a relationship would have been like with the exBPD if they didn't have the disorder.

Yes, in part, I stayed because I wanted to help. I knew early on that something was up and I scoured the web to find answers. I looked up all of the majors and ended up with BPD (rapid cycling), although through more time on this board, I believe that she had strong narcissistic traits. She definitely had severe anxiety, mild OCD, BiPolar and more. I put two and two together and she too did the "you will eventually kick me to the curb" I mean how do you give up on someone who says that to you? But then, how do you stay when someone lines up a replacement while still in the relationship?

It's really so damn hard to reconcile with because as I have said in the past, if my ex didn't have the worst of these, she and I would have been perfect together. There was genuinely so much in common.

I am very sorry for your Mom. Their generation was even more locked into the concept of the life long bonds of love. I felt them and would have, as mentioned endured all of the other stuff because I was learning how to react.

I am not at the stage where I wish the best for my ex, which is at the root of the original question. All of us want to believe that our ex's will one day look back and realize how much we gave, how much we cared and love them and what they gave up by following their impulses, that they realized that they had a good thing with us, even if there were rocky days. No doubt my ex will feel that I abandoned her but I won't allow this thought to sink in because she forced my hand.

I am certainly not out of the woods yet. I guess at this point, I have just come to terms with it. I suspect that the seed of wonder will always rattle around in my head. I will, however, not allow that seed to drive me to look her up anywhere to find out where she is and what she is up to. Far to many punish themselves by doing this. The mind can be tamed but reality is often a much much harder pill to swallow, whether it be that we witness them pretending to be happy and having a good time or the even more difficult reality that they have sunk into a hole and are trying to dig themselves out. Either way, these are people we fell in love with and will always love.

Man how I wish things could be different.

Limbo, I understand what the question was better now.

Maybe I'm being stupid in maintaining contact with my ex. At this point it bring me something though. It brings me a reminder and a warning. I still get to hear of her struggles, and her successes, but I no longer feel the need to get involved with ANY of it. Which I'm thankful for, because she's the waif type. Always the victim. However, now I hear about her attempted (and failed) relationships. Which reinforces my decision. I also get to hear about how she's trying to improve (Which is cool).


Truth is, I don't believe they can hold a HEALTHY, happy relationship... .ever. I think they can get better, but never healthy.

Fractured, I understand your position completely and respect it. I don't have the strength, at least not at this point, to take any risks, even though nothing could ever send me back there.

The heart, at least mine, plays by a different set of rules than my brain. I have managed to complete tame the heart but my survival mechanism is complete and total information blackout. I didn't have a choice with my ex wife because we have a child together. We were together 20 years so it took much longer. Now I see her and her boyfriend and I feel nothing, but with my exwife the ending of the relationship was at the right time, it was time to go our own separate ways. But with my exBPDgf, it wasn't. Without the disorder, we could very well have lasted the same 20 years or more, so I feel robbed. On the one hand grateful because she is BPD but on the other hand angry at both the disorder and her. As a result, there are likely all kinds of emotions that will always reside somewhere in me. Never in a million years could I ever go back, ever but... .

Anyway, that's me. You have a more pragmatic approach and that is truly wonderful, it is. It really is the way things should be. I just can't do it, at least I won't be able to for many moons to come.

You are quite observing, Blimblam. I will be brutally honest as to admit I wish none of his relationships work, after what he has done to me. I might sound cruel, but I have solid reasons for to be angry. I was used in my most vulnerable state, taken the financial advantage of and been disposed of and left homeless, penniless and jobless. On top of it all, he has spread the dirty rumors about me being mentally ill, which is why he has left me. 

In the moments of anger, I wish whoever I was replaced with, goes through exact same hell of a treatment that I did. And then people around him will actually realize what his true nature is about.

When I read the title of the thread, my first impression is ALL -meaning not just her romantic relationships but all her r/s she has today.  My exBPDSO has fractured r/s with her kids (3), her mom, her sister, and even some friends who see her actions with the new guy.  So many times her family just enables her-most are afraid of even confronting her over the smallest thing because of the fear of the blowup.

To add to the other part of this thread,  I hope her new relationship she is now does fail-miserably!  She lied, cheated, painted me black -all the things talked about on the boards, and I gave her my all.  So,when she moves in with the new guy after her third date, leaving me and her child, after 9 years, I look forward to their honeymoon to end and Crazyland starts.  Does this mean their relationship will,end? I don't care about that-they can get married for all I care, but I do want the replacement to "experience" all that my exBPDSO has to offer.