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This evening all seemed to be going well and it felt right to discuss some issues.  He was expressing as well as he could the need to talk about some issues.  The stroke has been difficult.  He's struggled to communicate.  I told him that I wasn't going to tolerate the nonsense about him telling me to get out if I don't do what he says.  We were actually communicating well until he couldn't come up with an answer to my question about why he continually tells me to get out.  I let it go and told him just go to bed.  I'll be sleeping in my studio so I can get a good night's sleep.  Too much to tell as to why I can't sleep with him, but he gets it.  It didn't end the way I'd hoped, but he understands that I love him even though I don't like the things he does.  Progress?

Uhm... .did you think he could give you a decent answer as to why he does something that irrational?

What did you say you would do if he told you to "get out" again? Did you set a specific boundary for that? 

Not really being in your shoes, Rockylove, but being married to someone who is old enough to have a stroke (though I don't expect that) and who also has BPD traits, I think if he felt useless and unable to communicate with anyone very efficiently, I could expect him to tell me to "get out" at times when he was so frustrated and down on himself and his abilities.

In my mind, if it were my own Husband, I would see it as his either being too frustrated to want to try to make things better anymore, or maybe his feeble attempts to "save me" from his affliction and troubles. My Husband would probably look at my "getting out" as a means of having a better life without him.

And I doubt he would ever really believe that I would actually desert him by doing this "getting out"; it would just make him feel better to say it. I would probably just validate his feelings about it (if, indeed, all that I'm saying is shown to be true), and sympathize without questioning why he's telling me that.

It's good that he understands that you love him, even if you don't like the things that he does or says. Does it feel like progress to you? That would be good... .

I try to have a little bit of a "meet in the middle" strategy.  I do push hard for better conversation and answers... .but... .when something whacky comes out... .I really try to not take it personally.

So... I guess I meet more on her side... .but... .   *)

Sometimes its just a case of stop bugging me/get out of my face frustration, with a bit of BPD black and white extremism translating it into 'get out/leave me"

I think you're right, waverider.  He told me yesterday that I didn't have to quit smoking but that he really needed to.  I told him that I'd be respectful and supportive of his decision.  I need to quit too, but I'm not going to do it just because he's pressuring me.  He has so many fears, but fear is nothing new to me.  I just have to find the right way to convey my fears without him using them against me in anger.  I'm up for the challenge now.  I'm feeling better since the weather's changed.

Funny how this has an effect *) |iiii

Last night I was feeling a little down and taking things personally, todays weather forceast for tomorrow is for perfect kayaking weather and suddenly last nights nonsense seem so pffft!

Dont you hate it when enjoying life gets in the way of a bit of navel gazing :)