BPDFamily.com

Hi,

I've been involved with a younger woman for a year and half in San Diego. She became violent in Octobet 2014 but I took her back. I moved out my partner of 18 years to have her move in in November. She was OK for a while except for mood swings and boundary issues with other men, which I thought we were working on. In Februrary she became extremely violent and I'd planned to leave, but took her back. Ten days later she did it again. This time I left the state. She talked me back. I came back and vowed that I'd call the police if she threatened me or my dogs again. She did within a few days. She got arrested, and I got a restraining order. I even saw her again after that, but she decompensated and I got her outside and wouldn't let her back in. She went to some dude's house instead of going home and terrorized me the whole next day with crazy calls, texts, and blaming me for ruining her life. I drove North and kept going. Now in a new city, depressed, in withdrawal and seeking support and employment. Going to SLAA and readin g some books like Betrayal Bond and Essential Guide for the Family for BPD. But this is hard, real hard. I keep wanting to reach out to her.

My therapist told me that I have "features" of BPD because I'm in anxiety about abandonment. I don't have the disorder, but the interplay between us made it the situation that it is today.

Looking for support.

Thanks

-d

 

Hi and welcome!

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through such turmoil.

Are you wanting to leave your girlfriend for good or are you wanting to find a way to work things out in the long run?

A good place to start might be to read through the Lessons to help you get a better grip on what BPD is and how to better communicate with somebody that has it.

You said that are attending SLAA meetings. Is that the Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous group? Are you the Sex and Love Addict or is it your partner/girlfriend? My husband is a sex addict and exhibits a lot of BPD traits as well.

If you are in a high conflict relationship, it can lead to all sorts of crazy behavior whether you have BPD or not. You will find all sorts of stories on these forums.

My fiance is a sex addict! Before our relationship he was very promiscuous! Is this part of BPD

I left the state and went back within a week to "work it out." It got worse. I got the police involved and a restraining order, then tried to "work it out," and it got even worse. There's no way to work it out. She doesn't even think she has a problem. Her mother was extremely offended when I recommended the book to her. Nobody in her life understands that she is suffering from a serious mental illness, because she's an "Invisible" Borderline. Things are fantastic in her professional life. In fact, the people in her workplace and social circle blame me for all the problems. I have not caused a single problem. So the denial in her world prevents her from getting better. And without that honesty and commitment, it gets worse, not better. I moved away and I'm staying gone. The thought of talking to her makes me feel both excited, because I'm sick, and ill, because I know it would make me crazy. 

I was asking what your intentions with her are. Right now, you are on the staying board so that it what most of the advice will be geared towards. If you are trying to find the strength to stay no contact and get this woman out of your life, then the leaving board is a great place.

I understand how difficult it is to be in a situation where nobody sees the mental illness but you. For years, I thought that I had to be the problem in my relationship. My husband came from a family that looked really good to outside observers. Me, on the other hand, I came from a family where dysfunction and mental illness are the norm. I think it is easier to deal with mental illness that is more obvious. The subtle stuff (or even not so subtle) that is done behind closed doors and isn't seen by others is enough t drive YOU crazy and that might be why you are exhibiting BPD traits.

Oh, wrong board. Sorry, will repost there. Thank you.

-d