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We usually spend our weekends together, but last weekend my uBPDbf was expressing a lot of dissatisfaction with the relationship. He told me he doesn't see much of a future, that he was exhausted of our constant fighting and that it was making intimacy with me very difficult and not fun. Obviously, blaming the problem on me and how I mess things up by doing silly things like sitting on his keyboard or not giving him the right power adapter. He even got pretty adamant about us -probably- being over, 


That weekend also included a confrontation with his roommate on my part. Boyfriend and I were arguing and she heard it. He was telling me to leave. I was refusing to, knowing that this wasn't a serious fight. She started yelling at me to just go, since he had asked me to. She expressed that she was tired of the drama every weekend and that she only had 2 days off each week and it wasn't to hear us bicker. I instantly apologized, proceeded to leave the premises,  and instantly my bf and I were back to on good terms.

So my solution? I told my boyfriend that I'd come visit again in two weeks rather then the coming weekend, especially since it was Easter and I wanted to spend some time with my family. We had a very nice heartfelt goodbye and he agreed that it was a good idea. It's also a way for me to recharge, honestly.

Then today he starts messaging me.


Firstly, I have to stick to my guns. He has guilted me plenty of times before into coming up when I had expressed I couldn't. He's big on deciding on things ahead of time, and then it's set in stone and if I'm not there, trouble is to be had. So, I do the same, except that I'm more flexible. If I'm able to come, I'll come, letting him know a day earlier. This we decided last week. Now he's mad because he misses me and wants to spend time with me.

So he's giving me his version of the silent treatment by not really responding. I can only ask a few times before I give him his space. I can't be reactive or upset. He's upset because he doesn't want to spend Easter alone. I already made plans with my family. I feel bad for him.

Hi misuniadziubek,

not much you can do here. What might have been an option would be instead of "Miss you, though" validating him feeling lonely, disappointed etc... But again that is details. He asked you to leave and while he had not intended it his roommate amplified his request. These are consequences of his own actions and are very helpful although painful for him to learn to control his behavior.

Happy Easter,

a0

You're absolutely right. He was trying to express how angry he was with me, by telling me to leave, but at this point I know him better than to just leave. It escalated too quickly for him and at that point it was too late to take back his words, so I acted accordingly. It was the quickest argument we ever had. By seeing me being confronted by his roommate, suddenly he wanted to deescalate everything and go back to normal and he couldn't. Actions have consequences.

Next time, we leave the house and talk it out somewhere else. That was the deal.

I guess validation is a way better strategy. I convince myself telling him I miss him is effective but it might only be that for me.

I guess in a way I take responsibility for his emotions. I want to make it better for him. The way you comfort a child who fell and hit their head.

He asked if he couldn't just be miserable. He's spending Easter alone.

I told him that he has every right to feel that way. I didn't realize it was such a big deal to be with me Easter, but I'd feel like that too if I was him and that it must be really hard.

He didn't tell me, but he went to spend the night at his best friend's by the location marker on his last message.

Be aware of overselling miserable. It can be a way of obtaining sympathy, so while you are feeling guilty about it, he has put it aside and doing something else.

Make your decisions and then dont stew on them or feel guilty. You did not create this.

Be wary of Waif traits

A good workshop on BPD types here:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61982.0)

Might want to be careful with this part.

You asked a question... he chose... .for some reason... .not to answer.

Usually best not to try to make statements to fill in the blanks he left.  Just leave them blank.

"so... you are not talking to me could have been the start of a text argument... .best not to argue with pwBPD.   Even better to avoid doing it via text."

Great job making your own plans and sticking to them!

FF

That's actually really helpful. You're right in terms of him overselling his misery. I had this urge to make it better for him. I know he doesn't do well with holidays and I've BEEN alone on holidays before and I felt miserable so I can relate to it a -little- too well. I wanted to offer to go out of my way to come up to see him at work or SOMETHING. Lol.

That's pretty horrible, honestly. It would be turning my back on my family just because he felt lonely. My parents had a pretty wonderful dinner with all my relatives and some of their friends there and being there made me extremely happy. My dad expressed how much he enjoyed and appreciated me being home this holiday. I got into some arguments with my mom, but it's to be expected. She had some bad NPD going on for most of my childhood and with age the negative behaviours only come out when we spend too much time with each other, and unfortunately I turn to JADE-ing by reflex.

I have to remind myself that no matter what he says, I'm not responsible for his emotions. He chose to work Easter. He knew I was spending the weekend with my parents. I extended an invitation but he instantly was turned off to the idea because he doesn't want -anything- to do with religious crap :P. That was -his- decision. Then he implied that I didn't invite him. I simply gave him the facts. If he's miserable, he can do a lot of other things. He can spend time with friends. He's not a wounded puppy that can't do anything.


He survived it. He was moody and distant for a couple days ( lots of eh, mehs, and k's) but eventually calmed down yesterday started asking when I was coming up again, since I never give him a specific time. I empathised with him told him that he's right, I should be more transparent about my plans when I come up. I'm not actually sure if that's the way I should respond, though. He always has complaints about me and I sometimes don't know anymore which ones to entertain.


Thank you. I knew I was standing my ground and sticking to my plans and doing well, but it's not until today that I finally realised just how important it was that I did that, ESPECIALLY for myself. I had the strength to go through with it. That's pretty amazing.

I have some sort of saviour complex where I want to make things better for him, like for a crying child. Yet, even when you are raising a kid, you have to let them experience the consequences of their own actions and comfort them if they reach out, rather than save the day. Another thing I learned from the boundaries book :)

Definitely see the mistake in making assumptions or filling in the blanks. It's a definite trigger for a fight. He got somewhat angry over me 'badgering' him.

Hey... .so... .one thing to be very careful of in BPD r/s situations is when they are upset... .we change our behavior in an effort to calm their "upsetness" (did I just make up a word?   )

IMO... .much better to show empathy or validate his feeling and frustration... .and NOT tie a change in your actions to that.

Thoughts?

FF

This is important it prevents it from becoming an effective tool to achieve a goal. Effective tools are reused.

Maybe that's where we have the most issues, that it becomes a neverending circle. I try to appease him by telling him I 'should' do something instead, but that's not actually what I think.

That is a big insight... .I would spend some time thinking on this.  Thinking on understanding this dynamic in your r/s.

What happens if you don't appease him?

Lastly... .do you like the never ending circle? 

Misuniadziubek,

Great job on these posts... .keep it up.  !

FF