BPDFamily.com

Hello everyone!

I am in a fairly new relationship with a woman who has BPD. I really am looking for support in understanding the chaos that has become my life. My partner and I have been together for only 9 months. We moved in together 2 months ago and that is when things became very overwhelming for me. She went from being someone kind and loving to treating me like the enemy. The worst part for me is never being able to resolve any concerns I have. She blames absolutely everything on me. Not able to take responsibility for anything. Even her apologies are aggressive with blame laid at my feet.

I am invested in making this work. But I recognize I am getting lost in managing her emotions while neglecting my own.

Thanks for listening.

Sim1

I hope you find the support you need here... .I surely have!  My best advise to you is to read ALL of the information here (to the right are all kinds of information you'll find helpful)  I started my quest for answers to the "craziness" when I happened upon the book Stop Walking on Eggshells.  Look through the lessons and tools... .you'll be glad you did.  Welcome!

Welcome sim1,


arguing won't solve much - that is why marriage counseling fails in cases of BPD relationships. You have not real factual conflicts but are dealing with out of control behavior triggered by invalidation.


You are not responsible how she feels - that is walking on eggshells. What is of values is validation which helps her to regulate better what she feels to a less extreme level. Validation properly practiced by you will allow you to feel her emotions less. As you reflect them back to her they become disarmed and have less impact on your own mind.

Keep in mind that you deserve having some peace of mind - if you need take a step back - protect yourself with boundaries!

You find more on the concept of validation and boundaries in the LESSONS (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206).

Welcome to the board,

a0

Hi sim1, 

Welcome aboard.

I am sorry that are you have such a difficult time.   I understand what it feels like to have things constantly being blamed on you.  Coping with behaviors from a person with BPD (pwBPD) can be completely overwhelming. You have come to the right place for support and tools to help you improve your relationship.

It is really easy to get lost in your partners emotions and completely neglect your own.  Unfortunately, our pwBPD can consume a lot of our energy and time when we are feeling that we are constantly walking on eggshells.  There are things we can do to alleviate this.  Although we cannot change our pwBPD's behaviors and thoughts, we do have the ability to change our own. 

The best way to improve our relationship is to start focusing on our own needs. For a very long time, I completely forgot about my own needs and primarily focused on my pwBPD's.  I constantly spent the majority of my time focused on my bf's behaviors. I ended up feeling overwhelmed, angry, and feeling exhausted. I found that having an outside support group of friends, family, and my therapist really helped me. My support system helped me alleviate a lot of frustration. Having less frustration and anxiety helped me support my bf. Taking care of yourself first is really important. Do you have a support system?

Also, we can learn how to change how we communicate. Prior to using communication tools, I tended to add fuel to the fire and argued back and forth with my bf. Other times, I would not say anything in fear of him getting upset or angry. Most of the time I ended up feeling angry for not being able to say anything or frustrated. Learning communication tools has helped me address my concerns with my bf. Here is an article to help you get started.

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0)

Looking forward to reading your response.   :)

an0ught- if MC doesn't work what do you suggest?

Working each individually. In the end the only one you have a chance to control is yourself. Breaking unhealty interdependece is hard to work on as a team when the drama of unskilled negotiation is feeding the unhealty patterns.