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I'm in an odd situation. My SOwBPD is not raging at me today but instead is in a cycle of dysregulation towards someone else and I feel a little caught in the middle. The other person of all people is her hairstylist... .(?)

She has had a great relationship with her stylist. Respects her a lot and even recommended that I go see her. And so I did and completely agreed with how great she is.

Yesterday my SO went to her appointment for touching up highlights. She came back and said that the stylist seemed a little distracted today and ended up with blonde highlights with a purple hue. The stylist promised that it would come off when it would be washed in 24 hrs.

Fast forward a day and the purple hue is still there after 3 washes. My SO is now getting upset and anxious because she is very conscious of her looks. She engaged in texting wars with the stylist. My SO got incredibly upset because the stylist offered solutions but "didn't apologize or show any level of empathy". After a few hours my SO got more anxious and finally said "I'm done" and texted saying that she would no longer be a client. The stylist responded fairly strongly and thought my SO was basically flipping out.

I'm now being asked what I would do. Well... .first I would not share concern over texts. And second, I wouldn't want to assume that the stylist is deliberately not apologizing. But I didn't share any of that because I would be taking sides. My SO seems intent on staying angry and not budging. I would rather have her cool off and just think about things for a bit and decide if "being right" is more important than her relationship with this good stylist who is also a good person. She is being painted black. And I feel uncomfortable that someone else is facing my SOs wrath.

Any thoughts? My next appointment t with this stylist is next week. I'm not sure if I should stay out of this... .but also don't like where this situation is going... .

Hi rise_up,

you can validate her frustration, anger, fear of looking awful, lack of being understood, feeling to be owed an apology, having lost faith, not sure what to do, unsure whether loosing face returning etc... .

She certainly wants you to take sides. You seem not to want take sides which may be a reasonable stance and sensible boundary. However in that case be prepared to be accused and having to validate:

- abandonment

- betrayal

- lack of sensitivity

- making fun of her

- not taking her violation seriously

etc... It could take the form of a full blown extinction burst or a longer mopping phase etc...

It is really her decision what her stylist is. She may have lost faith in the stylist. She may want to give another stylist a chance. etc.

It may be better in the long run if you two had different stylists?

"I'm not sure what I think.  What do you think you should do?" has saved me many times from such conversation.  It looked like it was all good until I read this:


That complicates it quite a bit.  I don't think there is any right or wrong here, but I would really think about how important this hair stylist is to you before I would keep the appointment.  an0ught is right that if you keep the appointment there will be a price to pay.