BPDFamily.com

Thank goodness for online communities! After thirty years together, 23 married, I finally realized it isn't me! My goal is to stop falling into the trap of taking my husband's responses personally. It stresses us both for no purpose. I am lucky because he did start therapy three years ago after a particularly awful rage. What's hard is that I see these patterns in my step kids and in his siblings too. It seems to be a family thing.

My biggest question right now is how to talk to friends or family about it - so hard to find support. My therapist told me today not to try to talk about it with friends who know both of us. That leaves out almost everyone. 5 weeks until I have a second appt. with T. It's getting me a bit crazy to keep this to myself.

Hello, Daisy23 & *welcome*

First of all... .don't keep this to yourself. Tell us all, here on the Staying Board; we understand what you are going through  :)

And second: It's great that your husband realized that he needed help 3 years ago and started Therapy; that is always the first step to making things better for our BPD loved ones. And for us, as their loved ones, realizing that we need to stop taking their responses to us personally is our first step to making things better. You are two for two, Daisy23

I actually agree with your Therapist; if something you tell a friend or family member about your husband is likely (or possible) to find its way back to your husband somehow, that would be unproductive... .Tell us your story, instead. How is your husband's Therapy going? Is your Therapist helpful to you? Have the last 3 years been better than your previous years together? Are you seeing progress in the relationship?

I'd like to encourage you to check out the links to the right-hand side of this page; The Lessons and other links have so much wonderful information to give you information about how your husband's mind works, and insights into how to deal with him better. The communication tools & techniques you will learn from them can really help things get better between you.

Have you had the chance to read on this site, yet? Under the 4 photos at the top of the Staying Board's thread listing page are links to several Feature Articles (you can also find them here: When a partner, spouse or girlfriend has Borderline Personality Disorder (https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-4-cols)), and all of them will really be eye-opening and helpful. The information and tips in them are priceless, in my mind... .

Please hang around and tell us your story, Daisy23, and read all you can... .We are here for you 

I think your therapist is correct.  I have found a couple of things:

1) Don't talk about it with mutual friends or family members.  It gets awkward for them and often they don't really understand anyway.  I have told a few people on my side of the family that don't really interact with my BPDw, but that wasn't very productive.  My Mom and Dad know and that is most of my knowing family. 

2) Most people you know really don't get BPD and won't be able to understand what you are talking about.  They will tend to unintentionally minimize (invalidate) what you are experiencing. 

My main support group is my Mom and two close friends who are not close to my wife.  One friend is divorced from a BPD wife and the other had a mom with some various mix of PD issues.  They both get it.  I do try to not overwhelm them with stuff though.  It is better to use them to help build me up and never works as well when I'm having a pity part and just trying to get sympathy.

Thanks Aurelian for good advice!

I'm going to introduce a thread about how to break through the awkwardness of talking about mental health issues. I am wondering how I could even find out who I know that is dealing with PDs or any mental illness. Most of us are in denial or ashamed or feeling like we are betraying our loved one by sharing our struggles with others.

On thing you will notice as you learn more about it is that you see traits in people everywhere, and you will see partners struggling to deal with it, usually by trying to hide it. You will want to bond and "let them in on the secret". Problem is they wil not have had the light bulb moment and will deny it too... This wil frustrate you.

It is best reserving talk about it to others who are knowingly dealing with it, such as here, and using friends and family to build a life outside of it. Part of the coping skill is to build a life outside of it. Obsessing about trying to fix it can equally cause stress and frustration