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So, I basically put myself out there and went to a living community to look at a room which is free for rent. The living community was just two streets away from my exBPDgf. Bummer. Only after stipulating a date to visit the living community I realized that this was so close to my exBPDgf’s appartment. So I didn’t cancel. I thought: „Well, this could be a test to see how I feel when being near to her.“ I know, it was a risky thing to do but I felt like I was detaching very good. And I also thought „I don’t have to take the room if they actually want me. If I don’t feel good about living so close to her I simply won’t take the room.“ She’s also planned to move away anyway so I didn’t even know if she’s still living there or not. I was afraid though that if it actually would work out and I would live there that we might cross paths sometime and she would think of me stalking her or something. But then again whatever. I’ve always loved this district of the city way before I even knew her. I was born in that city, so yeah.

I think this move of me speaks for every other habit I developed to avoid her. I recently quit the team we used to play in both (she left some months ago), part of the reason was her, the other that I didn’t like the sport anymore. So I won’t go back. BUT I also avoided visiting the matches to see them play (she used to show up as a guest and visit whilst I was still part of the team and it hurt me badly because she was the one telling me to leave her alone finally) and what can I say? I totally miss them so I decided to visit their last match of the season in two weeks. I’m ready and I won’t give a single ___ if she‘ll show up or not. So I thought it’s good to feel myself out regarding my feelings when being near her.

So, let me tell you how it went yesterday. When I arrived at the district I actually realized HOW CLOSE it is to my exBPDgf. It literally is two minutes away. I even saw her parked car after I went out of the appartment. It’s not the street parallel to this one, there’s one else inbetween, but the car was parked at a corner. So how did this make me feel? First there were some fast heart beats and I expected the rush of anxiety I was used to… but nothing, really just NOTHING. No emotion. I was really bland. But it told me so many things. That she never moved to another city even though she told everyone she would leave in December (which also was the reason why she left the team). Throughout our whole last year being together she basically lied to me about this whole moving-away.-thing. She wanted to leave for another job in another city. She even told me about the job interview, the Assessment Center and in the end that they wanted her and that she’d be gone in three months and also that she couldn’t cut anymore because of this new job. This was in July. At the end of July I got the final discard, throughout August she was lost without trace, no one knew where she was and how she was doing, in September she came back and started the smearing campaing in practice of our team (and had fresh and new cuts!), at the end of September she left the team and told everyone she would do this because she’ll be transferred by December. At the end of October though she showed up at a match to visit us play and told a team mate that it might not work out with her transfer funny, because she literally stood right next to me and talked so loud about it that I couldn’t miss hearing. Anyway. So yeah, lies exposed. I don’t know what exactly happened but even in September when she had new cuts I should’ve known that everything she said after these cuts would be a lie.

Great, so big revelation. She’s still here, she lied to me and everyone else and especially discarded everyone. Then I thought „WOW, now this is a big game changer. This changes everything.“ You know, I used to be like this in the past. This were my thinking patterns. I was always looking for some signs my ex could be coming back or reaching out or whatever. But then again I realized the difference of my habitualized thinking patterns and the actual way I was feeling. So I sat down and just tried to listen to what I was feeling and then I was like „Wow, this actually doesn’t change anything. This isn’t a game changer at all. I don’t care whether she’s here or in the other city. I don’t even care if she lied to me or not. It doesn’t hurt me.“ I am in control now. I don’t want to go back. I’m in charge of my feelings, emotions and the way I will behave about that.

I actually felt relieved and in some way proven that this all was because of her BPD and that the discard didn’t have anything to do with me but with her inner turmoil about HER life. It wasn’t about me at all. I knew this before but to get that proof now really makes me feel better and helps me so much. No anxiety at all. Yet I am sorry that it didn’t work out for her. I know how badly she wanted to escape her old life, to start a new life in the other city. I wished that this would work out for her because I still want her to be happy. I really hoped she could start all over again and to see that it didn’t work out, that she’s still here left with no one is a very sad thing so see. I am compassionate about her and I’m really sorry for her life and her inner turmoil. I could always see it thorugh even when she was discarding me or especially right then. BUT I am compassionate in a distant way. I know I can’t change anything of this and that is her life and that I would enable her and I don’t want that. I also don’t want to suffer anymore because I could finally move on and learned so much about myself. I’m feeling good about myself again (not because of this realization now, I’ve felt good now for some months).

Is this detaching with love? I don’t know. But it’s a good thing I think.

BTW: no, I won’t take the room. I would have no problem with living next to my ex, I’ve moved on but due to respect to my exBPDgf I won’t do it. There’s a reason she’s cut off contact and I will respect that.