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My uBPDh has not worked in nine years, self medicates, and does nothing, I mean nothing, around the house.  We have no savings, no retirement, no means of education for our kids, no vacations, etc. (And this is my fault, he says, since I am such a horrible money manager, and he would do a much better job of it.)  I am grateful and content with just having a place to sleep and food to eat, but it is just so unfair that I have to work so hard while he lays around.  I do not feel that I deserve for my life to be fair; nobody else's is fair.  But I would like to hear some suggestions, please.   

Eight hours and no reply ... .I guess there is no answer to this question.    Anybody, is there a way to motivate a pwBPD to get a job and carry their own weight?

Sorry to hear this is your lot. I totally get it though, as my partner is not much different


There is no quick way to do this and pressure to achieve this end creates an even bigger need in them to make even more convincing reasons why they dont.

Its a combination of inability to structure and reward themselves in any other fashion other than impulse/need/instant gratification. Obligation and responsibilty are almost alien as motivators. No doubt you are experiencing some effective mirroring and parroting when they talk about responsibilities, but little real personal follow through. This leads to the armchair expert trait.

The question is what can you do? Well you can't make them do anything, but you can make sure your life is full of things you do for you. Limit what you will do for him and only do those things that would otherwise negatively impact you.

ie work out what is in this particular action for you. Not being criticized or "in trouble" should not be seen as acceptable motivators for you. Careful thought about certain boundaries and consequences is necessary. This will bring about extreme reactions, but you need to weather these.

Dont get sidetracked by side issues.


What are the big issues?

Waverider

Yeah ... .That's what I thought  :'(  When people tell me that "He should be ashamed of himself; a Christian man must provide for his family"  or ask "Why are you doing everything?  Why don't you make him get off his ___ and do the work?"  My answer is always, "I can not make him do anything."  And, I am sure, that they just see this as weakness on my part.  But they don't understand how dysregulated he gets when I put any kind of pressure on him.  I avoid that like a plague.  I have tried so many ways to encourage him and I never shame him.  But it is like he just doesn't see it as a problem.  So, we just never talk about it.

I have just recently decided to take care of myself.  I have been resting as much as possilbe, studying a lot, started into therapy (yesterday!), and I am going to get a haircut!  I feel guilty about all this time spent on myself, but I have been told repeatedly (even by my doctor) that I had better destress and take care of myself right now or I will not live much longer.  

I do not understand, "Limit what you will do for him and only do those things that would otherwise negatively impact you."  Yes, I do everything for him except clean his room, but since he complains constantly that I already care about "everybody else in the house" (I run an assisted living home for the elderly and have two autistic teenagers) more than I do about him, I don't see a way to cut back on what I do for him.   That would make him even more sure that I do not care about him enough.  

Also, other than not letting him hurt and frighten me (anymore) with his insults and rages, I do not know what other boundries to set with him.  I would like him to either finish the bathroom plumbing project he has been "doing" for four years or (please!) allow me to hire a plumber!  

Thanks, but there is no way out of this life of slavery as long as I stay here.

He uses this line because it works. You do what you know is right, not where he sets the standard that would suit him. You don't have to convince him of anything, he doesn't want to be convinced.

eg Such things as going to the store, you do it when it suits you. Not special runs because he "needs' something. I am not a fan of trying to make people do their own stuff, that just breeds frustration and resentment) but I will do things when it suits me

OK, I get it now.  It's a matter of not allowing myself to be pushed around.  Set a schedule and goals for myself and expect him to respect those. 

He is much less demanding recently since he read a book called "Stop Hurting the Woman You Love" (after I told him I was afraid of his rages and asked him to leave the house and then took him back).  He mentioned briedly that the book said that there was no such thing in our culture as male perogative anymore and that the man no longer had the right to expect his wife be the "keeping of the home".  Seems that he took this to heart and will make himself something to eat if he sees that I am too busy to do it for him -- without complaining or belittling me.  I also noted that he did not rant about my not loving him last time I forgot to buy the one thing he had asked for at the store.  He just took his keys calmly and went and got it himself.  So, even if he is not working or helping, at least he has stopped making things harder for me.  Have to be thankful for that. 

Good night, miles 

 |iiii

Make the things you do your choice taking into account his "problems". Keep to your agenda. Converting obligations into choices goes a long way to turning resentment into periodic frustrations, which is far easier to cope with.

Be also aware that if you care for others to this can trigger competition for attention. Don't dragged into that, but be on the look out for it and just offer calm reassurances without going overboard, otherwise he could cause drama for the purpose of getting you to make a fuss over him

True, true, so true!  Thanks for reminding me.  miles

Behavioral change requests in generally would point to using the DEARMAN (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=160566.0) pattern.

Now I don't think motivating him to get a job is a purely tactical communication matter. This is a bigger change and boundaries play a role. Also SET may be used to strategically communicate a few but critical hard facts.

Affecting change is about healthy assertiveness and DEARMAN is an assertive pattern. While I personally struggle with DEARMAN in real life (too many letters to stumble over ) I still find it at times worth reviewing DEARMAN as a model for a mental stance to take to affect change.

Hello, milesperhour!

I just wanted to chime in there and let you know you are not alone in this respect. My dBPDh also does not work, though he does receive disability. He doesn't do much around the house, but he's slowly starting to.

My H when he dysregulates will beat and batter himself about not working... . but doesn't actually do anything about it. Me complaining or or trying to 'make him' just makes things worse. What I have been doing is when he dysregulates and starts saying things like "I'm such a piece of S@#%! I should be working and taking care of my family!" What I say now in response is "I can understand how you would feel that way. What would you like to do about that?" At this point, he will usually say something about getting off his dead A@# and finding a job, then changes the subject.

For the past two months, what I have been doing is asking him to do one chore a week. I don't say it like "I need you to do this. Why haven't you done this yet?" Instead, I say "Honey, it would help me out so much if X got done this week. Can you help me with that?" And I wait a day or two... . if X has not been done yet, I'll just repeat "Honey, I really need help with X. Will you help me with X?"

So far, out of 7 weeks thus far... . he has completed 5 tasks. Once I can consistently get one chore completed, I will start asking for two chores. I will let you know how it works but so far... . slowly but surely we are getting better :)

Thanks for posting this  :) It seems like quite a common problem. Does he have access to your salary?