BPDFamily.com

Hello Everyone,

I am in a very frustrating relationship, but I DEEPLY Love her and I see progress being made but then it all unwinds. Every time I express concerns that I am being neglected in some way, no matter how I try to have the conversations, it IMMEDIATELY turns into a fight. She carries a lot of baggage from her past relationships as well (I have some too, let's be honest) and has a tendency to displace those experiences onto me over the smallest possible similarities sometimes. Most recently she became overwhelmed by situations in her life and said to me that she felt suicidal. Now normally (And I know that this is not the correct response) I take this somewhat lightly as a threat and only acknowledge it as an indicator of her feelings, but this time she said for the first time in a long time she had actually thought it out and had a plan. I have enough of a psychology background to know that is a major alarm. We got into an argument not long after this and then, because I called her frequently, texted to make sure she was ok, and even sent someone to check on her when she wasn't answering at all she said I am acting like a "creeper." This invalidation of my own concerns for her safety is BEYOND frustrating. She frequently uses the cold shoulder method of dealing with things with me as well, which is sometimes actually preferential to her anger, but it has lasted weeks at a time before. I just don't know where else to turn so I hope I can get some help here. She frequently fixates on the black and white paradigm BPD people have and far too often condemns herself as "Bad" without any hope of a better life.

*welcome*

Hi Soulfire,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am sorry to hear the pain and confusion this situation is causing you. We are here to help you see past your current sense of frustration.

Suicidal idealization is fairly commonly linked with this disorder and is closely tied to depression and extreme thinking. It should not be dismissed and should be taken seriously in order that it doesn't compound. Has she seen a psychiatrist about this? If not it should be discussed, as I am sure she would like some help with this. There could be readily identified reasons or even medications that may help.

Please take some time to read our following workshop where this is discussed extensively

TOOLS: Depression and Suicidal Ideation (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69192.0)

Has she been diagnosed with BPD, or is this just something you suspect.? A lot of what you dscribe does sound similar to what others here have experienced.

Do you think she evokes the rescuer in you?

Waverider

She has the Dx. And she definitely evokes that from me.

Are you familiar with the drama triangle?

PERSPECTIVES: Conflict dynamics / Karpman Triangle (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0)

It is important we don't get stuck in this or the dynamics just keep spinning.

One day when I was busy "rescuing" she made a very insightful comment "stop enabling me to be disabled"... then the insight was gone as she turned the needy tap back on again...

A needy person will continue to bleed you for as long as you are will to give blood, even if they hate themselves for it. It is almost like self harming their own self respect.

The process of being rescuing is validating to them, but they dont want to be rescued as an end game otherwise the act of rescuing stops. They want to keep the rescuing ongoing.