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My daughter is 2 and has started hitting me and my ex and her brother and sisters. now she has started hitting other kids at daycare.

I have a feeling this is learned behavior from my ex because my ex rages, screams, insults and hits when she is dissreagulated.

anyone else have this issue? what helped?

does she need attention? you might want to figure out (or even ask her) why she is hitting. my 3-year-old bites when i am busy with my computer or when her brother is playing alone and won't play with her

I was going to say this is normal toddler behavior (and I'm still working on it with my 5 year old), but hitting kids at daycare is concerning. Then again, it might not be all that abnormal either. Have you received complaints?

My T, who isn't a fan of spanking, says he preferred the finger flick. My kids were hitting me at dinner. S5 has kind of wound down, but he's rambunctious. I told D3 (she turned 3 last week) to stop, then she tried to pinch me. I said, "that hurts me, would you like it if I pinched you?" Then I did, of course not at adult strength. She got it and stopped. Kids this age test boundaries, and it's up to us to teach them... .age appropriately. I don't do the finger flick, but I lightly repeat what they do to me if it hurts me. Their brains are still developing. It takes time. I would say that the best indicator is if you observe that she is aware of you placing boundaries,.or if she shows that she's understanding (empathy) of her actions. At least as much as a 2 year old could be. I've struggled with the hitting with our son for 3 years now, and he's just now kind of calming. Patience is key, but boundaries do need to be enforced.

X-posted with momtara... .yes, I've noticed since the kids can't verbalize (D3 now, but she's almost there), that physical acting out is their way of saying something that they can't verbalize yet. I also went through a biting stage with both kids.

it started when I would pick her up, she would give me a nasty look ( one that looks just like my ex would give me) then smack me. I would tell her no hitting and warn her I would put her down if she did it again then give her a hug and she would be fine.


her teacher told me today its only happened a few times so far.


yeah I don't spank either, my son is 11 and I didn't have this issue with hitting with him. of course ive raised him without my ex wife since he was 4, she isn't a violent person and im very low keyed so I think that helped him. my daughters mom is the opposite, very abusive and chaotic.

that said, it certainly could be her modeling someone's behavior. you can always see if there's a good counselor for kids in your area if it keeps up, or ask a psychologist.

Whether her mom does it or not, she may see other kids doing it and likes that it has an effect. She may get attention, even if it's negative, she may like being able to stop something from happening that she doesn't like. There is a lot of advice out there about how to deal with kids who test boundaries. My concern is that some people are behaviorists -- their goal is to correct the behavior. I think when there is a mentally ill parent involved, you have a higher than normal risk that the child has emotional challenges. Including genetic predispositions to be highly sensitive. My ex swatted S13 when he was a toddler, and was going through a short biting/hitting phase. While it stopped the biting, it also did some damage to their relationship. I don't think my son has the temperament to handle tit for tat parenting. You have to gauge that for yourself with your D.

Hitting does have an effect that works -- but only if you're trying to stop immediate behavior. If you want to cultivate closeness and connection AND stop the behavior, those require higher order skills. In addition to what you're doing, maybe add something to show D that it hurts when she hits you. Tell her how it feels -- "I feel sad when you do that. It makes my face hurt when you smack it, and I feel sad inside. Can you use your words to tell me how you feel?"

It's been a while since I had a 2 year old, so this might not work as well for toddlers. But I also think I underestimated my son's emotional intelligence when he was that age. I think it was in Eddy's book Don't Alienate the Kids where I had the  :light: moment that how we deal with conflict, especially if it's conflict generated by our kids, is how they will learn to deal with conflict. So if your ex is hitting D, and D thinks that is acceptable behavior, your role is to model the response that you want D to see as an effective alternative. If she sees mom hitting, so she hits, and then you hit her to show her how it feels, it's possible she could get the wrong message. "People hit each other."

When my son used to lash out (in words), I really struggled with how to respond. What ended up working is if I asked him how he was feeling, and would even describe how his face and body looked, "Your fists are clenched and you're breathing fast, and the expression on your face tells me you feel hurt. Do you want to take a few minutes to figure out what's going on, then come find me when you're ready to talk? Or is this something you can share with me right now?"

He used to do this thing when he got physically hurt, where he would moan and groan, and I would ask if he was ok. Then he would get angry at me, "Of course I'm not ok! What do you think?" If I offered to help, he would get angry. If I told him I would leave him alone, he would get angry. So I had to say, "I can tell from your body language that you are hurting. Let me know how you would like me to respond, whether you want me to help or hug you, or let you be alone."

I put the ball in his court, and he struggled with that at first. He had to figure out what he wanted, and that was hard for him to articulate. We've been focusing on feelings enough for the last 3-4 years that now, when he gets hurt, he no longer gets angry at me. He had to first trust that I was listening and caring and accepting (validation), and then he needed some guidance (coaching) about healthy responses (boundaries). Still a ways to go, but overall doing much better.

I agree, behavior is a side effect. I am getting my daughter tested as soon as she is old enough


I actually tried this with my daughter over the weekend and It seems to be working.


Yes I don't believe in spanking or hitting as an example, I feel it gives the wrong message. I feel that enforcing boundaries with consequences is the best way.