BPDFamily.com

So this morning I told my uBPDw that I wanted people (mostly my step-kids friends) to not just walk into our house.

Brief background, our both second marriages, w's first h passed away, we've been married 5 years.  I moved into their house and the s-kids needed a "period of adjustment".

She's reasonable when I bring up my desire, states she'd also like to lock the front door (I like to leave the heavy door open when the weather's nice.

After 10-15 minutes or so all the old complaints come out.  We go through all the old insecurities... .the time 6 years ago when I didn't hold the door open for her... .her top 100 greatest hits.

While I know it all relates to our original conversation, is there any way to focus pwBPD so that it doesn't take hours to discuss what should take 5 minutes?

Dont respond to side issues, and repeat the last thing that was said back on the original topic eg "so you were (or I was) saying XYZ about guests just walking in unannounced"

It's hard, but just try not to defend, or engage in all the other complaints. It's funny how pwBPD can hold onto things that happened so long ago. I don't think that is exclusively a BPD thing, but it seems really amplified in them. No matter what you say, their reality of what happened is unbending it seems. I no longer try to change BPDh's mind about things he thinks that I know to be untrue. It's a total waste of time and energy.

As Waverider said, try to direct her back to the original topic.

How do we rescue the relationship? How do we focus the conversation?

The answer mostly lies in ourselves, our focus, our boundaries preventing us going down bunny trails .


So you want something to happen and you approached her. And what do you want specifically from her? The way you went about is to bring up the problem and launch in a problem solving discussion. It is a good way to take someone along and get buy in. But you also can loose her on the way as she struggles to focus.

A different approach would be to think about the problem, come up with a solution and selling that to her. Yes, it is a shared problem but that does not mean you can't take the ownership for proposing a solution.

D.E.A.R.M.A.N. - Marsha Linehan, MD published the DEARMAN in 1993 as part of her DBT training manual.

D= Describe the current situation. Tell the person exactly what you are reacting to. Stick to the facts.

E= Express your feelings and opinions about the situation. Assume that others cannot read your mind. Don’t expect others to know how hard it is for you to ask directly for what you want.

A= Assert yourself by asking for what you want or saying no clearly. Assume that others cannot read your mind. Don’t expect others to know how hard it is for you to ask directly for what you want.

R= Reinforce the reward to the person ahead of time. Tell the person the positive effects of getting what you want or need. Help the person feel good ahead of time for doing what you want.

M= Mindfully keep your focus on your objectives. Maintain your position. Don’t be distracted.

A= Appear Confident. Use a confident voice tone and physical manner; make good eye contact. No stammering, whispering, staring at the floor, retreating, saying “I’m not sure,” etc.

N= Negotiate by being willing to give to get. Offer and ask for alternative solutions to the problem. What am I willing to “settle for” or “give up” in order to gain what I want in the situation?



Keeping the discussion on track is not trivial and the "M" in DEARMAN acknowledges that. Can you imagine formulating your approach along the lines of DEARMAN?

I've read Walking on Eggshells & The High Conflict Couple... .I don't remember this approach.


Easy, any and all friends of the step-kids walk into our house instead of knocking and being let in.


We're a blended family, got married in 2010.  she's owned the house since 1986.  I've expresses many times, in many ways, that the house does not feel like mine.  Before we got married I agreed to wait until the youngest child was in high school before beginning the process of moving.  That was 3 years ago.  If she doesn't know my thoughts/feelings it's because she's worked very hard not to know... .


Not sure if this isn't a repeat, maybe I didn't express how hard it was... .


LOL, "I'll be happier" I don't think would make much of an impact.  I've already changed the timetable of our moving, so saying I won't push it for a few years I don't think would cut it since her compaining/nagging has already accomplished that.


Future, if there's a payoff this may enter into it.


Not a problem, no noticeable impact.


I'll try the alternative solutions (maybe girl-friends have special privileges).  She just tried negotiating (BPD style) this up this morning, saying her letting the kids friends walk in is like me reading books that I want (that may contain female characters she has to 'compete' with... .totally different thread... .)

Of course for 5 years I haven't constantly complained even though things weren't my way.  She complains 5-10 times per week about any and everything to do with reading.  If I ever thought she'd follow through I'd gladly let anyone walk into our house if I could occasionally read without the constant harassment... .but how do you negotiate with someone when you don't believe she'll follow through with any agreement?

Here's the one I've used and has worked for me:

*The item W has brought up* is an important topic, and I'd like to get back to that another time. Right now, I really need to address making sure that all the neighborhood kids don't just walk into the house without knocking first.

Repeat in various ways for everything that is not what you are talking about.

If these kids have always just walked in without knocking, it's going to be hard to stop this habit. The house is like their own home for them. Several questions come to mind: What is it about them just walking in that makes you uncomfortable? Is the problem you are having that your W will not ask her children to tell their friends to knock, and you don't want to address it with them?  Would it create a problem if you simply asked the friends to please knock and let someone answer the door before entering?

You can always approach it as your problem: "It is unnerving to turn around and see someone in the house I wasn't expecting to be there."