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Thinking about it more, I don't think she even remembers the things she says when she is raging.  Last night she was in bed early, claiming to feel nauseous.  She told me to get her a bucket.  I got her a bucket. This morning, she asked why there was a bucket in the bedroom.  Other times she has raged, and later come back and said something like, "I think I said something really bad to you."  Same goes with her arguments with friends and family.  She will say something nasty to them, they will enforce a boundary, and she will as me what she said that was so bad - as if she doesn't remember.

I'm not going to talk to her T or Dr as of yet.  I think that could make a bad situation much worse at the moment.  Interestingly, she wants me to go see the same doctor as her.  I'm not sure why - but I think it is because she wants to be able to ask the doctor about my medical issues.  I can't think of any other logical reason.  of course it could be BPD illogic - that she feels we must do everything together as a couple, and me going to a different doctor is suspicious. 

today I am going to do my best to be away from my phone at work.  Tonight is alanon meeting, and I think I will also take a "secret" day off work in the next couple of days to do something fun for myself. 

More often than not, they don't.  They are splitting and are going through dissociation.  My wife has told me several times that she feels like she is outside of her body and screaming, "NO, STOP!" to herself but can't.  It is sad, but a way they cope with their anger and behavior. 

Max, do you believe your wife was just pretending to be naseous to get attention?  If so, she was basically lying to you and keeping up with lies can be really difficult if you are in the habit of lying. 

I really wonder about this "I don't remember" stuff.  My husband pulls that all the time.  We can't have a conversation about anything involving his behavior because he denies that it even happened--because he has no memory of it.  He seems truly shocked when I tell him what he said/how he behaved, then denial, then silent treatment.  I swear I am going to film him one day and show it to him.  He doesn't rage like your wife, but he is the king of mostly silent anger. 

I know many would disagree with me here, but I really feel videotaping these episodes that pwBPD have and then  having them watch it could be beneficial. 

I haven't done it, Verbena, but I did secretly record my husband's dysregulation and I played it for my therapist. Actually it didn't surprise her since she had seen both of us for MC, but it was helpful for me to stop and analyze parts of my own behavior in responding to him and to talk about different ways of dealing with his behavior.

When he was drinking more excessively than he's been doing lately, I really wanted to film his drunken a$$hole behavior and show it to him later. I don't think he had any idea of how nasty he was and how disgusting his drunken behavior appeared. Undoubtedly it would have just added to his burden of shame, so I guess it's good that I didn't.

Max, are you sure your wife isn't using? The memory blackouts really remind me of people who are abusing substances.

I honestly believe my wife does not remember.  Not that it excuses anything (actually even more scary that she is that out of control).  I think she goes into sort of an altered state PTSD mode - like it is her brain's natural coping mechanism for traumatic events.  She tells me she has poor memories of her childhood, and that is because she was being abused by her mother.  That coping mechanism seems to have continued into adulthood, even though the "trauma" now is more often something she got herself involved in. 

As for her substance abuse - prescription pills - yes.  I don't doubt she has pain and anxiety issues.  But the first year and a half I was with her, she was not taking pain pills or Xanax, and her pain and anxiety issues seemed to be less.  My feeling is that she is using those pills as a crutch. Illegal drugs or alcohol - 99.99% sure she isn't.  I will hold out the 0.01% just because there is always a chance she could be hiding something.  She is abusing food, for sure, and that seriously affects her mood. 

But - I am 100% convinced that her abuse of illicit drugs in the past has permanently damaged her brain, and certain natural pathways that healthy brains have for dealing with stress are permanently damaged with her.  Emotional trauma may be a part of it, too, but I think at least for the pain issues I think the years of heroin abuse somehow increased her sensitivity and lowered her tolerance for pain.  In other words, it caused nerve damage.  I'm a strong believer in the fact that taking certain drugs, especially during adolescence, can have lifelong effects because they prevent the brain from developing normally.

I've been doing slightly better at just doing my own thing the past few days, and I have felt better as a result.  Some positives on my end:

I applied for a few part time jobs that I can do after work on the weekends.  Only stuff that I would enjoy doing.  Added benefit it gets me out of the house.  I've also been talking with a few friends about artwork, how to sell, market, etc.  Not that I expect it to go anywhere, but the conversations have been good for me and helped me feel more positive.

After W's big rampage about money, she's been mostly calm.  Like it is out of her system?  Now it is back to baby stuff? 

I got an email at work saying that the new director wants to re-evaluate some policies, and listed two that makes me feel like they are looking into cracking down on those who abuse the system.  So I told my wife that it's probably not a good idea for me to be making many personal phone calls at work.  I don't know for a fact this will be an issue, but 3-4 calls per day is WAY to many.  I think that scared her a bit.

They really don't remember, and this is the hardest thing about BPD in the beginning. Once you come to understand that 90% of what they say when raging is random nonsense, and they don't remember saying it, the behavior will be easier to deal with. As to why they don't remember, someone suggested that the brain itself splits into two threads of thinking and memory. So the memories of the raging are tagged along with the reasons for raging in the grey matter. Once the raging has stopped, the memories get dropped like a hard drive reformatted.