BPDFamily.com

My uBPDh and I moved into a new house 2 weeks ago. So far, things have been fine with him. I had no idea what to expect- I didn't know if he'd dysregulate (he hasn't), freak out and insist we made a huge mistake (nope), or embrace it (sort of). We've had a few unexpected bumps and expenditures, but he's handled that all pretty well. The most noticeable thing is that he has been focusing on very small details (lowering a curtain rod, insisting on installing a ceiling fan himself and taking the better part of an entire day to do it, impulsively managing small projects), instead of unpacking and getting the clutter out. I'd say that I did 70% of the unpacking (still have a few boxes to go), and most of what he has done is small detail work. I appreciate the small details, and have made sure to thank him and validate him, but it's also been hard for me to do so much unpacking, as I am 7 months pregnant and get tired quickly. I've also been the one to make appointments for the plumber, HVAC guy, A/C guy, etc and rearrange MY schedule to be home for all of it. Admittedly, his schedule is a bit more complicated than mine right now, so it's just easier, but still- I feel like most of the work has fallen to me. I suppose if it helps avoid any sort of meltdown, I'm ok with it- just tired of it.

Regarding another topic, I could use a bit of advice. LONG story short, my H's older sister (who I think is NPD) recently told my husband that she is thinking of having a 3rd child. (She has 2 kids who are in school, and has been talking about how excited she is to go back to work and have some freedom again, since she's been a SAHM for the last 6 years). I cannot help but think that part of the reason for her wanting a 3rd child is because my H and I are expecting our first. She is very competitive for their parents' attention, and given the fact that a new baby will definitely garner attention, I think she's afraid of losing her place as the center of the family.

A few days ago, she told my H that she had a positive preg test and is going to the doc next week (she's had a history of early preg. losses, so isn't ready to announce anything). My H seems indifferent and is having a hard time understanding why she'd want to have a 3rd kid at all (she's a bit older), especially now. I have been keeping my opinion to myself. Here is what I fear may happen, if she doesn't have any complications and has a baby in 8 months:

1. Less support than we expected from his family. His parents live on the other side of the country, so when they come to visit, they stay for several weeks. We had planned on asking them if they'd consider staying with us for 2 months this winter to help with childcare costs; if she has a baby in the winter, they won't be able to do that because they will feel obligated (and forced, since she controls everyone) to go to her and her newborn.

2. Expectancy to go visit her, instead of she and her family coming to see us. This has ALWAYS been the case. In the 7 years my H and I have lived together, she and her family have come to see us once. We have visited them probably 15-20 times. Even though we will also have a newborn (don't want to travel much), I can foresee her insisting that we come there, since she has 3 kids, and that makes it more difficult to travel.

3. Lack of support from her. This is not a problem for me personally (in fact, the less contact I have with her, the better), but this would be a problem for my H. She is his only sibling, and he relies on her for advice and support. If she is tending to a newborn, and 2 other kids, she won't have the time for my H. Again, no love lost in my opinion, but I know this will effect him and I'm not really sure how.

I'd like to be able to talk about this with him, but I'm not really sure how. It might sound bratty, but I feel like she's stealing our thunder a little bit. She has 2 kids and has had lots of time with his parents (and TONS of help)- it's our turn now, and the fact that we may not get to have what we thought we would makes me angry. I hope that doesn't sound like a tantrum. Any suggestions on how to bring it up with him, keeping in mind that most of the time, he believes she walks on water.

I would only share this with your close friends, not your husband. You run the risk of triangulating in that he might see your disclosure as a way of alienating him from his sister. It's completely out of your control whether or not she has a baby.

OTOH, I completely agree with you that she is trying to steal your thunder. And having a newborn is a good excuse not to visit her. Your husband can Skype with her if he wants to keep in close contact.

 

The visiting family thing was a drama for a while... .when we had our first couple kids.  Then... .wife and I both got to the point where we visit when we feel like it.

We invite family to our place... .and get told no often... .but... .we keep inviting. 

Luckily... .the visiting issue is on that you control.

Others can insist all they want... .it's up to you... .when you travel.

Last thought... .and realize... .this is from a guy with 8 kids... .so... .I've heard it all over the years.

There was debate amongst everyone going from 2 to 3.  Going to 4 people started worrying... .

At 5... .it started to quiet down.

Don't think we've heard anything else since then.

So... .live your life... .make your choices... .ignoring others choices... .is best.

As a kid comes along... .there will be lots more to think about... .and less time to think about what others are doing.  It sort of happens naturally.

Congrats on getting into new house! 

FF

I don't think that guessing on your s-i-l's motivation to have another baby is helpful. As somebody said to me once, "There isn't any cheese at the end of that maze."

I think your guesses as to the impact of your s-i-l having another child are probably accurate, especially if she is NPD.

And since there is nothing that either you or your husband can do about it... .I  have trouble imagining anything good coming from talking to him about it.

At least you kinda know it is coming... .and will be sorta prepared for these things ahead of time. (And no, don't tell your husband you expected it either!)