BPDFamily.com

Hey Guys:

I have 50/50 custody week on/off with my exwife (currently separated) and I have been trying to maintain low communication. 1 liner replies mostly.  My son is in childcare, 2.5 years old.

So my exwife kept writing me about returning the cloth my son wears when I picked him up from the week before.  I always just say "Will do".

This passing Thursday, she wrote another long email again about returning this and that, so I simply replied "Will do as usual. No need to contact me about it from now on unless I missed a thing or two".  She picked up my son on Friday from childcare.  

Today, she wrote another long email back, accusing me of missing a pair of socks he wear last Friday and that the sock I put on for my son is such low quality, he had blister on his feet, etc (which btw, my son already had the blister when I picked him up last week, I took a picture too) and that if I can't take care of him because I'm too busy to take care of myself and my parents and too cheap,  she will take over, and then a long paragraph about a missing paper bag.

I lost my cool. I broke my LC rule. I fired back at her for not notifying me when my son was sick with a fever, whatever whatever and took a jab at her for not returning phone calls from school when my son had a low fever because mabye she was too busy flirting around.  (My fault. Unnecessary).

Another few emails exchanged, she called me bitter, should get over it. So I became passive aggressive and told her, "yeah, I'm still bitter and still hurting,  cuz it's so hard to get over her as she only smashed a few things, slashed only one pants and only called police on me twice, not three times, awww, why are we separated?"

After I sent off the email, then I suddenly realized that BPD feeds off that energy, I broke my LC.

So how do you co-parent with a BPD exspouse when they keep accusing you of this & that related to the kid? Just ignore whatever she accused you of? I really tried but it's so darn hard!

Hi LeonVa,

Detaching is a process, sometimes one step forward, two steps back.

It sounds like accusations are a trigger for you. On my email client, I have an "undo send" button that sits there for 10 seconds -- an eternity when you're angry and want to make a point! It might help for you to have something like that so you can pull back in whatever message you send to your ex in anger.

Bill Eddy has some good material about how to respond to people with BPD.

"Glad you noticed the blister and are taking care of it."

Even that is more than you're obligated to say, since her message had no content, nothing that needed a response.

The more you write, says Eddy, the bigger the target the pwBPD can aim at.

Ultimately, though, the detachment process is about resolving the grief you feel that she betrayed you, not an easy feeling to overcome, since it likely hits ages-old feelings of inadequacy, lumping together lots of similar feelings that might be bubbling under the surface.

When you process those feelings, it takes some of the charge away and makes it easier to see her BPD behaviors plain and simple.

Thanks @livednlearned. You just pointed out of my core issue. Yes, you are absolutely right that accusation has always been a trigger for me now I think about it. I don't know why I never seen it, it's so obvious. I'll work hard on that.

Greatly appreciate it.

It might help to be preemptive in cases like the blister. Document, of course, but text or email first that you noticed it. "When i picked him up, i noticed that S has a blister on his foot... ." it might trigger her, but it's documented that you let her know.

As for the anger, that's hard to let go. You're human. This is tough stuff to deal with, even more so with kids... .

My suggestion: write the email to get it off your chest but don't send it until next day. Sleep on it then decide if it's worth it or necessary.

Thanks guys. I will from now, recognize whenever she accuses me of something, it's my trigger. I will then wait for a day before I decide to write her back or not, so I don't respond while in anger and stick with LC, even if I write her back a day later, keep it short and to the point.

I definitely will document and take pictures of everything I noticed when I pick him up.

I talked to my friend over the weekend, my friend had a good quote. ":)o not wrestle with the pig. You'll get dirty and the pig probably enjoys it.".

Almost all of my ex's accusations were projections about his own severe core inadequacies.