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So I was on vacation recently with my folks. They've been asking me to come with them to this one place for years and have been saving up for it. I decided to go with them.

I was alone pretty much the whole time and I think I spoke no more than a few sentences a day. I barely interacted with anyone. People were walking around and my folks were doing their own thing.

When I saw some women who seemed single (they were hanging out in groups, amongst themselves) sometimes I'd look at them and the voice in my head would say stuff like ":)on't even look at them, if they catch you looking at them they'll think you're some kind of creep. Don't even bother talking to them because they're on vacation and some troll like you is just going to get in the way of what they're doing."

I'm beginning to wonder if the thoughts above might be unfounded. I have no defects or physical abnormalities. Yet I often feel as though I don't deserve to be looked at as I look at someone else. Or that I should consider myself not even worth even taking the time and effort to acknowledge. Like someone knowing I'm even there is just taxing them unnecessarily. That whole week all I could think about was how I looked like such trash compared to everyone else.

When I got back home from vacation, I went from my one job to another. The other place closed down but my boss referred me to someone else. Now I'm in a new place and don't know the ins and outs. This makes me feel so incompetent. I got home today and thought to myself "How am I ever going to work for myself? I can't do the simple stuff at this job, how am I going to do anything at all? I'm never going to succeed. I'll be a dredge the rest of my life, I'm garbage." This was playing in my head the second everything winded down and I had a moment to think.

I work towards my goals but it's not enough. It has never been enough and all I've done is fail. You know they say that sometimes it's just not in the cards. Well what if life just isn't in the cards for me? What if all I'm really meant to do is work in menial positions, live alone, and die childless? An utter failure.

Sometimes I get little visions of what it's like to not exist anymore, to be dead. There is no "me" anymore so there's no state of being. It's just emptiness, and for a brief moment I experience it in a way. It's in my head but when I feel it, it feels so real. Like "YES! THIS is it, what it's like!" At the same time I feel like a moth to a flame. That it gets too real, and then my heart starts racing for a second. Like if I think about it hard enough and long enough, I won't come back because every so often-it's not a voice but it's like this thing that says "Here none of it matters, so it's okay." Anyone ever get this? Anyone know what this is?

But I wonder if there's something really wrong here. Writing it all down, I can recognize that I think about death an awful lot. What I write I wonder if it's disturbing-because reading it all over it scares me. Then come the thoughts of not wanting to write it because I don't want to even be a blip on the radar for everyone else. Something compels me to write because there's the me that wants to live and get what he wants-but more and more I wonder if that part of me is just lying to himself.

The other stuff just seems like something I don't know if other people think of-healthy people, I mean. I know objectively that I'm being negative. I just don't know where the negativity becomes subjective or skewed.

Why am I like this?

Hi Vatz-

Reading your post made me think of a directed mind.  Ask your brain questions like Why am I like this? and it will come up with all kinds of crap usually: well, you're fat, you're lazy, you're defective, blah, blah.  A better question could be how can I use this?  Or how does it serve me?  Point is we can direct our minds with the questions we ask, empowering ones that yield empowering answers.  You've been through some transition, vacation, job change, unsettling, and an opportunity to direct your mind more strongly.

You shot yourself in the foot with your own self-talk with those women on vacation too.  Been there.  It's challenging when you're by yourself, no social proof, but you never know, they might have enjoyed your company, and it's about taking risk, but first, developing an empowering mindset, manage our self-talk to direct our minds, something like everything I need is within me now, I believe in myself, people benefit from my company and are glad I'm there.  Basically the opposite of what you did, and the cool thing is that mindset will show up on our face, smiling helps too, and suddenly we're more attractive because of what we say to ourselves, on purpose.