BPDFamily.com

I couldn't decide where to post this because I have both a daughter with BPD and a husband with serious problems, and I am upset with them both.  

Last night I kept my six-month old grandson while my DD and her husband went to a wedding.  The baby stayed overnight and they picked him up at 8:30 this morning on their way to church.  :)D hugged me and wished me a happy Mother's Day (she had already given me a gift on Friday) and then mentioned that she was going out to eat after church with her in-laws and her husband's grandmother for Mother's Day.  We all live right here and have gotten together on other special occasions with them (like Father's Day last year), but she did not invite or include me.  

Three hours later, while I'm still at my church, she calls me.   I don't discover this until I get home, change my clothes, and eat lunch. My guess is that her mother-in-law asked if I was meeting them for lunch and my DD suddenly realized she completely left me out.  I didn't call her back because by then it was too late and felt like sloppy seconds to me.  

My DD still struggles with BPD behaviors but it so much better than she used to be.   I am proud of her in many ways.  She is a good mother.   She has not raged on me in almost two years, and she treats me better than she ever has in her life.

My husband, her father, said he didn't see what the problem was.  He said she gave me a gift and took her MIL out to eat.  So where is the conflict?  I guess he thinks she  got her MIL no gift and the meal was the gift, but that wasn't the case.  Speaking of gifts, my husband got our daughter a card and $100 gift card to a boutique where she shops.  He got me nothing.  I didn't even get a "Happy Mother's Day!" from him.  Of course, he didn't tell me happy birthday on my last birthday either.  

DD texted me later in the afternoon saying she called me "like ten times" (she called me twice) to ask me to lunch and was so sorry I missed it.  I told her that I would have if she had asked me in time. She really has no clue how hurtful that was.

My husband has no clue how hurtful he is.  No empathy.  Won't discuss anything.  Never wrong.  Won't apologize.  I'm just sick of it and wanted to vent.  

Thats ok you can feel dissapointed.

At least it was an oversight rather than vindictive.

MD here is always a major trigger. My partners son rings "as a duty" then goes and spends MD with either aunt or partners mum, so thats a real invalidation for my partner, it also highlights the lack of bond between her own mum and herself compared to her siblings. Its almost like "the family" spell out in capital letters, "your a LOSER"... .So every year she flips out and a drama ensues about something.

waverider, thanks for your response.  I'm sorry your partner's son does that every year.  It certainly seems intentional when it happens over and over.

Not including me in her plans is not like my daughter which is why it surprised me.  I know my DD realizes that I recognize I was not included from the beginning, and I think she feels bad.  She used to be unable to apologize for anything or admit fault, but I've seen that change in the last year or so.  My H, on the other hand... .

When he ignored my last birthday, which is not the first time that has happened, I told him how that made me feel.  He got very angry, said in his nasty sarcastic way "Well Happy Birthday!" and then turned and walked away.  No apology.  He may not have BPD like our daughter, but he is completely unable to show any empathy toward me or admit that he could be wrong.  That single trait of his is the reason we can't seem to move forward or improve our relationship.  He just won't tolerate any discussion of how I feel at all, about anything, and he will not take any responsibility whatsoever for his behavior.  If I were to bring any of this up in a few days, he would say that he doesn't remember.   

 

 

Big hugs from me... .even a day late.  I was out in woods all weekend with mothers day camping event.



FF

You have every right to be hurt. My Mother's Day was not good either, BPDh-wise. My kids made it nice for me, but my BPDh it feels like went out of his way to be a jerk. Like you, no "Happy Mother's Day", "forgot" his usual small gift, then went and bought himself expensive stuff the same day.

I don't buy that this crap the BPDs do isn't somewhat, if not all, intentional. I mean, come on!

Your husband should care about your feelings. My BPDh spent three years telling me he "didn't care about my feelings, and keep my G*d D*mn opinions to myself"(he also knows I don't like being cussed at). He's stopped saying that, but I still know the sentiment is still in his head, he's just had enough therapists tell him how uncool(and likely sociopathic) that sounds.

PD's do tend to fun in families. I'm relatively sure that BPDh's kids would meet a LOT of the criteria for several Cluster B disorders. Sad.

It's sad when a normally compassionate, generous, kind person ends up with someone who doesn't have those qualities, or care to develop them. We just have to remember though, that we are blessed because we do. I've chosen to love and radically accept BPDh, but it doesn't mean I like a lot of his behaviors, or lack of empathy.

This Mother's Day will fade into the background, but what our husband's(and your DD) don't realize, is that every incident leaves a tiny emotional scar.