BPDFamily.com

 

New here ... .Trying to understand why my BPD boyfriend still texts his ex, mother to 2 of his children he still loves her ,wants to marry her all behind my back. I put up with a lot of his BPD traits, this one hurts ! She sent me the messages ... .She has moved on. Says he misses his daughters that's why sent it , heartbroken

Help ? Is this a typical BPD behaviour?

That must really hurt to find out. I'm so sorry 

Impulsivity is typical behaviour. Extreme shifts in emotion is typical behaviour. Emotional immaturity is typical behaviour. So if that applies to your situation, you could surmise it's typical.

But that doesn't really excuse it, or make it fair. No matter how much he misses his daughters, he shouldn't be writing things like that to her. He's pretty much painting her white/idealising her temporarily due to a desire to go back to being with his daughters.

I would be really mad in your situation, honestly. That's such a betrayal.

Yes, their emotions can be mercurial, one moment one thing, one moment the next. Some stay idealizing someone longer than others, but they almost all swing into painting the idealized person "black" at some point. My guess would be that it's easier to paint his ex "white" because they are no longer in a relationship, and having any sort of conflict. This might not even be a BPD trait at all. I've read where people tend to romanticize a relationship once it's ended, forgetting the bad. What it is, is betrayal, whether it's a BPD trait or not.

You have every right to be hurt, and he should understand that, but with him having BPD, empathy probably is something he struggles with. You might get over being so hurt, but the trust might be hard to get back. You are on the staying board so I take it you want this to work out. Lots of us here have sad stories of things we've had to work through, forgive, or deal with in order to stay with our BPD partners.

Hugs to you.

Welcome Elouise,

most of the pwBPD have not the most common attachment behavior. A lot of the nons here on the board too. Some pwBPD can't attach at all and fly from one to the next relationship. Others really struggle to let go at all - this type is quite common with the staying board partners - and these relationships last on average longer than typical marriages (many which aren't that long lasting in the general population).

Letting go is a long process - to get a view of it head over to the Leaving Board and read the LESSONS there on the top. I'm saying this not to tell you to leave but to give you a glimpse of what an orderly detachment process for your bf could look like. Right now he is clinging to the *not anymore existing* past. 

If you want to help him the best you can do is to get your own relationship into stable waters. It is upsetting what he is doing with the ex and you have to express that for the record for you own sake but you won't make him change. Fear, insecurity and anxiety activate the attachment system and just make him cling more. You are asking - is this typical - and yes, the behavior you describe is upsetting and not constructive and that is typical for a pwBPD. The specific behavior is always unique however to an individual and the situation (including you) they are in.

From what it sounds the ex moved on. He still needs to process that and in some sense may not be ready for commitment. Are you ok with giving him some space? How is his relationship with his daughters and how is yours?

Again *welcome*,

a0