BPDFamily.com

I have always been very intuned with my body. Since the age of 12 I was always involved in some sort of sports activity and also started working with weights at that time. By the time I was 18 I was doing bodybuilding as well as taking various vitamins and supplements. I guess you could say due to my Mom's Hippie views I grew up to be a health nut. However, since an early age I have suffered from occasional bouts of depression and now that I am in middle age I have developed hypertension that for the most part was well controlled with small doses of medication.

During the infatuation phase of my r/s with my now BPDx I experienced all the "positive" symptoms of Love. The butterflys, the giddiness and that anxious drive to want to see and spend time with her. I would say the first year was perfect. In the months that progressed Dr. Jekyll could no longer subdue Ms. Hyde. Like many here I began to be cautious about what I did or said. The whole walking on egg shells thing. The lies began to pile up and that inner gut sense that she was being deceptive had my spider senses on high. Then the first B/U occurred followed by a recycle. This pattern of highs and lows, B/U's and make ups played havoc on my health.

Besides diving into more frequent, deeper bouts of depression I began to experience anxiety. Not just the normal type of anxiety that we all have here and there, this was the type of anxiety that I had not ever experienced before. Almost a sense of terror, dredd and sheer panic. Panic and anxiety was really never a part of my life. My blood pressure which I had well controlled was now so out of control that my Dr. doubled my dose as well as added an additional medicine that had terrible side effects on me. By the time the final B/U occured I was a physical and emotional wreck and had my first warning stroke which numbed part of my left hand. While it's probably not an overall good thing, I did lose over 25 pounds and I am the thinest I'ever been and most everyone has noticed.

What sort of physical effects did your BPD'x have on you and your health?

With my ex wife I was popping antacids like sweets. After splitting up my constant heartburn dissapeared.

With my exgf it was depression. I was on the verge of going to the doctors for anti depressants. Fortunately I left her before I did that.

I've always been a pretty muscular person. My weight has been stable, and I have never been below 160 lbs since the age of 17. Now, many years later after my ex-BPD vanished out of my life from one day to the other, I'm below 140 lbs. I've lost in total 28 pounds, and I am slowly trying to gain my weight back.

The physical changes are not what bother me the most. The mental ones have hit me harder than I ever thought anything could do to me. I'm currently on antidepressants (I've had several depressions throughout the years, I'm a sufferer of the winter-depressions) and am attending therapy to get over the heartbreak and work on my own issues.

This BU has caused me a lot of scars and I won't ever allow myself to be put in this situation again. I will never whole-heartedly go into another relationship, and I will be carrying a lot of baggage after this. Hopefully, the physical strength will come back.

Anxiety depression insomnia heartburn weight loss grinding of teeth at night

"Not just the normal type of anxiety that we all have here and there, this was the type of anxiety that I had not ever experienced before. Almost a sense of terror, dredd and sheer panic."

that for one, at least once during, and for weeks after. constant adrenaline during and after. afterward, some really bizarre joint pain showed up and stayed for a while. the bad dreams. weight loss; i couldnt eat. daily crying spells. heightened sense and fear of abandonment.

weve all got a lot in common. i think this is a testament to the effects of the relationship on our psyches and our body.

I have experienced the following as a result of her BPD - extreme anxiety to the point my whole body would physically shake when she started to verbally abuse me,  I believe my hair has started to go prematurely grey because of the stress of the relationship,  I have developed sexual problems due to constantly being branded a sexual failure/useless by her, I have developed anger issues and have transfered my anger towards her at other people, I have felt depressed to the point I have contemplated just disappearing and leaving my life behind and I have also felt in the worst moments the urge to be violent just to make her stop hurting me.  

All of which have pretty much helped destroy my happiness over the last 2 years.

All of the above.  

Emotions we repress, like the fallout from ignoring red flags and forging ahead anyway, show up in our body anyway, in fact in its infinite wisdom that's our body's way of telling us things aren't right and we should deal with it.  We either listen or we don't.

For me, my shoulder seized up entirely, I couldn't even raise my arm, partly because I was working out too hard to try to become someone she'd accept, because I just wasn't good enough the way I was, according to her, and partly due to stress.  I am happy to report that I regained full use of my shoulder about a year after I left her; funny how the mind/body connection is such that when the mind finds peace the body follows.

So, how's the detachment and the subsequent resolution of physical symptoms going?  Does anyone notice drastic improvement in their health as you move away physically and emotionally from the relationship?

So, how's the detachment and the subsequent resolution of physical symptoms going?  Does anyone notice drastic improvement in their health as you move away physically and emotionally from the relationship?



Out about 3 months I no longer feel and hear the pounding of my pulse and heart while I lie in bed. Zero anxiety. Still dealing with depression and now on anti-depressants. Back to the pre r/s hypertension BP readings.

My psyche has been hurt, but hopefully as more time passes I will be healed mentally and physically. Incredible to hear how toxic the r/s was not only to me but the others that have thus far posted.

I lost probably 10 pounds, started drinking and smoking way more during stressful periods, and become very antisocial during the worst of times.

Self-medication works temporarily, but it definitely is not an answer.

I don't have anxiety anymore, really, and feel about 95% less sad and alone than I did when I was still in the relationship. It's been about 4 months and I'm finally starting to feel like myself again about most of the time. I have a bad day every now and then, maybe like one a month, but still, major improvements in my mental and physical health.

I suffered problems with my health pretty much the same as all the other posters.

I was over weight.  I was depressed.  I was always stressed out and short tempered.  I would lose my temper and become violent sometimes.  I swore a lot.  I had heartburn and headaches constantly.  I couldn't sleep but was tired all the time.  I was anxious.  I disliked leaving the house.  I also often had twitches in my eyes.  I had numbness in my left hand.  I got palpitations.  I also had two illnesses that required general surgery during the time I was with him.

Since we split up, I have lost weight and have none of the other health problems.  I am happy and much more relaxed.  I rarely get angry or lose my temper.

Too much to be a coincidence!

When I first physically met my ex, I was 240 pounds and a pretty darn good shape physically. I've always had this issue with my left leg from falling down the stairs on black ice and doing a gigantic split. That happened three times but my walking and biking and going to the gym help the tremendously.

I would say the first issues that rose up were a constant exhaustion. I would have to take a nap once or twice a day to the extreme heat in Florida. I did become less active, that was my fault, and I did not have any transportation of my own to get out and do things unless I borrowed the exes car. In that case I would have to drive her to work and drive back etc. Her car was such a junk bucket that I actually feared putting excess mileage on it because her daily trek to work was about 60 miles in itself.

Her child was part of the relationship, the stress so I have to say that at the time the child being about six going on seven years old was very stressful for me in itself. Unfortunately this lovely child is chock-full of issues. Between teaching new ethics, manners, behavioral techniques, and trying to add to the child's education, this was a lot of work! The X did not see it that way. Even back then the X was more concerned with me making her look like a bad parent because I was being a good parent. That little bit became extremely apparent right at the time of breakup.

Exhaustion was there, like I mentioned, the inability to focus on anything besides the relationship getting Rocky. A lot of thought went into keeping the relationship balanced and is healthy as I possibly could. It was only me doing this. She would come home tired from her hard day at work dealing with rowdy patients as well as pain in the butt coworkers. On the way home we almost always talked. I felt it gave her a chance to unload her stress before she got home. While quite often it didn't work that way. When she got home she was just as stressed if not more and often pissed off with me. Add to that the news I would have to give her about her child's behavior in school, which by the way was a daily crapshoot. I've never seen a child with so many behavioral problems in my life. My son wasn't perfect but this takes the cake. I know I was suffering from some anxiety, and I'm not strangers with anxiety so I know what I was feeling and why I was feeling it. Mind you looking back on all this now is why I'm able to pinpoint all the little things that have happened. Because when you're in the box you don't see things the same way, it was just every day baloney that we would get over. I see more red flags now than I ever did.

Wake up time, either 5:30 AM or 6 AM depending on if we had to meet with her ex husband number two when he brought the child home Thursday morning or Monday morning every other week. Dealing with that criminal was very stressful. I wish he would have acted with me the way she acted with him he was very controlling and quite the manipulator. I was just a good guy turned doormat. Quite often I had digestive problems which no doubt were from the stress and the X, I also had headaches on occasion but not too frequently. Getting back to wake up time, I would always prepare coffee and some type of breakfast. I would never let her leave the house without some type of sustenance to fuel her morning. The child was fussy and rarely had breakfast. At the end of the relationship after the breakup, anxiety and nerve issues sprung up really bad. At times I trembled when she was coming home or walking in the door. Not because I was afraid of her, but because of the unknown behavior that was about to take place. I think I have something similar to tinnitus and my ears have a ringing in them quite often. During the stress with her the ringing was worse. The exhaustion was way worse and along the way somehow I ended up with the pinched nerve in my neck which affected my left shoulder left arm left hand left fingers. To the point of numbness lack of strength, and not to mention the fact that I was scared. The pinched nerve lasted from around February 10 two approximately three weeks ago today. Yep, a long time. I was also experiencing a lot of foggy thinking. Things that came so naturally it one time I had to stop and think about to complete them, for instance fueling up the vehicle and using a credit card to pay. Doing those things would normally just flow, but when I was back here and had to do it on my own, I had to pause and think about every little thing.

Aches and pains everywhere, sometimes they would just flareup and sometimes they would go away. Sleeplessness or insomnia, I remember at least 3 to 4 days straight not being able to sleep for more than 10 minutes at a clip. I was exhausted beyond belief confused and just an overall wreck. I honestly believe that if I was not rescued when I was that I would either totally lost my mind or maybe even gotten a heart attack and died.

My ex was stronger than I was towards the end, more strength more durability more stamina, and at the beginning of our relationship it was the opposite. I guess it didn't take much to be stronger physically and mentally than I was at the end. Thinking back on everything rekindles such ugly ugly thoughts. And one of the things that she said that I'll never forget was her reaction when I asked her to take me shopping, her response was that I could take a bus. Earlier in the month of February, or was it January I had just did a major overhaul of parts in her vehicle as well as pay for them all out of my pocket about $400. I hope somewhere she finds a moment of clarity in every little thing that has transpired in four years flashes before her eyes. It really doesn't matter what the outcome is just that she remembers every little thing that has happened. I didn't want to put it that way but I'm going to, I hope she remembers everything I did for her! It sounds selfish but honestly there's no better way to put it. Is it any wonder why people say to run for your life when it comes to dealing with BPD? In the end it actually does seem like it's a one-way ticket in the destination is your coffin.

I took up an eating disorder during my time with my ex. I suppose it came down to the fact she was very controlling of what I ate and the eating disorder was a protest on my behalf! It seems so strange for me to type that. I took up an eating disorder aged 28!

I look like ive aged 20 years in 5, going grey at a pace at 35 yo, bad skin, bitten nails I am th picture of stress and before that i was a baby face.

Well. At least now she's gone im starting to look better. 10 kilos lost this year.

Wow!  I also ended up with anxiety, depression, heartburn, headaches, stress rashes, fatigue and insomnia.   My work suffered as I couldn't concentrate on anything.  My anxiety and depression got so bad that I went on antidepressants for a few months.  I also gained a lot of weight (comfort food eating) and stopped going to the gym.

I was in such a good place both mentally and physically when we became best friends then it all went downhill from there.  I became someone else - unhappy, stressed and seemed to have a black cloud always hanging over my head.

Now... .None of that unless I have dealings with her at work then my anxiety flares up again.  I'm back at the gym and losing the weight I gained :). I've recently had people tell me I haven't looked this good in a long time.  Yeah funny that lol

It's incredible the similarities between us all.  Just goes to show how toxic these people are!

I have both anxiety and depression. When I was with him my anxiety was off the charts. I also had constant GI issues and the most severe migraines I've ever  had in my life. Years ago I was diagnosed with inappropriate sinus tachycardia, which is a weird disorder that will flare up from time to time; it really flared when we were together. I had an episode one day at work where my heart rate was in the 140's.

Now that he's no longer in my life the anxiety has transformed into depression.

Wow! Usually I like to respond to specific posts and topics that capture the essence of the topic... .but this to me is Mind Blowing! I thought I was just being hyper sensitive to the situation and because I sometimes dont deal well with stress that it was just me. This honestly is one more nail in the coffin that shows me at least that this type of relationship is harmful in more ways than one could imagine.

I completely agree!  Blows my mind to know others were affected the same way as I was.  Interesting also that my BPD's exbf had severe anxiety and depression, put on a lot of weight in the later years and was always sick with the flu plus regular panic attacks.  His health really deteriorated the last couple of years they were together.  Poor man - I feel so sorry for him.

I just had to Get In on this topic. I workout, take care of myself and usually stay at the same weight. 6 months or so into the relationship I lost about 15 pounds without even realizing it. A little over a year in I finally had a heart attack. That happened a week after her first overdose attempt which occured with me right there with her. Then 2 weeks after my heart attack she overdosed again at my house with me right there. After she got out of the psych hospital (again) I met with her (picked her up from the bus terminal) one more time so she could be nasty to me and blame me for something (I cant even remember what).After that I spoke to her one more time by phone(the last time) where she again blamed me for something else and I just went off and read her the riot act... .THE END.

She was magical and actually cured me of all my ills!

Not really.

Same as others: Stress, confusion, anxiety, depression, insomnia, weight changes, headaches, nightmares, drank too much... .It wasn't all her fault though as I chose to stay. Much of this has improved since then.

Anxiety, weight loss, depression, I became fearful, at times I felt disoriented, insomnia, nightmares. I didn't look like my normal self either. The stress took its toll.

Two years out this summer, and I'm feeling and looking like my normal self. Depression is gone, healthy weight is back, I'm sleeping well... .

Those relationships are quite a ride aren't they?

I forgot to add serious cystic acne issues back neck chest face  

When we separated for a year I got off my anxiety/depression meds 6 months after and was clean of them for a year, great skin, sleeping well, gaining a healthier weight, pretty in control of anxieties and depression only once in a while along side stressful periods of long hours at work, good social life (I didn't know what BPD was to the extend I do now when we got back together  :'( )

Back on medication 6 months after his return... .His behavior returned after about 90 days.

Constant heartaches (even to the point of painful "stabs", anxiety, depression, panic attacks... .and I'm only 20... . 

Chest pains, neck pain, eczema, irritable bowel, eye twitch, headaches.

And tough time letting go, loving, feeling in new relationship even though new girlfriend is so lovely. Not health but anyone else have this?  Like my brain / heart is holding back when it doesn't need to.

@ Ripps

I'm sure if we ever separate I'm going to have major mind issues in other relationships. When we did separate and was to the point of divorce I did date... .It was so nice, so positive, never critical... .It was weird for me. They often called out weird behaviors like you don't need to be perfect... .But I've been trained to bend at every whim to avoid conflict. Also now I'm sure if I were with others any sign of conflict will probably push me over the edge more than a normal person like with anxiety issues or depression  it's sad.


There's also the sick fact that there is this feeling of normal relationships lacking passion. That beginning where the pwBPD is all obsessed with you and idealizes you which has become something that's "normal" ha! To find out its actual the disorder. And the fear I could never find a physical partner like my h BPD... .Also discovering that is part of the disorder. 

My fear if I ever leave is that for some reason I am attracted to the "artistic" personality, which I'm now thinking is just BPD, that I won't be able to break that habit or the comfort in a high conflict relationship. My parents were high conflict and dysfunctional in their verbal/emotional abuse... .And I worry it's just a pattern that won't be broken. Both of my sisters also get into high conflict relationships or with controlling individuals  

I also worry that I won't love again or that I won't believe in a "normal" relationship - kinda how I already am feeling, which is probably why I stay. The idea of yes he has this awful thing that's really hard to be part of, but there is worse. And I'd rather deal with this than worse. I guess this just shows I don't trust my judgements or self to make better decisions or see the red flags I should have seen with my H BPD

I am still suffering the physical consequences of my relationship espeicially my ability to form new relationships/sex life and agree with the above post.

Physically my BPD partner was one of the most attractive girls Id ever seen (let alone been intimate with) and once the honeymoon phase was over and she started to destroy me in terms of my  sexual performance etc it has  damaged me so much.   I have come to fear sex/ intimacy with anyone else because I fear I am useless like she told me so many times.  i have even kind of lost any desire to speak to other girls because of my anxiety that I will start wishing i was with my BPD.

i also still compare any new girls I meet with my BPD partner (and none of them are as pretty or sexy as my BPD partner  is).   So its like she still has control over me because I feel I will fail with anyone else and that no one can match her beauty ! i know how illogical that sounds but its how I feel  

I gained 40 pounds with her. Random skin tag and warts appeared.

Dropped the weight and continuing to shape up and refine my physical aspects.

disorderedsoc: Thus far you seem to be the luckiest as far as fewest symptoms. Good for you.

Headaches, neck pain from stress, poor sleep, anxiety, Low mood, weight gain from comfort eating, tired all the time, upset stomach,  eczema, trichotillomania.

High blood pressure, insomnia, anxiety unlike anything I have ever experienced, generally just feeling like crap and no motivation to do anything, probably depression.

I had to start taking blood pressure medicine and anti-anxiety medication. I drank alcohol as a self-medication but have pretty much quit that unless the anti-anxiety meds aren't getting it done.

Been divorced from her and had no contact since 12/30/2014 and am still an emotional and physical train wreck... .but have been seeing some improvement lately. I have a restraining order against her which expires in July. I have to get that renewed.

[quoteHigh blood pressure, insomnia, anxiety unlike anything I have ever experienced, generally just feeling like crap and no motivation to do anything, probably depression.

I had to start taking blood pressure medicine and anti-anxiety medication. I drank alcohol as a self-medication but have pretty much quit that unless the anti-anxiety meds aren't getting it done.

][/quote]
My BP is finally back to normal, back on lowest does needed. No longer taking anti-anxiety meds, lower dose of anti-depressants. Been a long time since odd dreams about her stopped. Overall I am feeling so much better being in N/C about 80 days. I can see the drastic changes in the way I feel. I'm still amazed that anyone here seeing and feeling the evidence would still want to interact with someone who actually makes you violently ill.

My BP is finally back to normal, back on lowest does needed. No longer taking anti-anxiety meds, lower dose of anti-depressants. Been a long time since odd dreams about her stopped. Overall I am feeling so much better being in N/C about 80 days. I can see the drastic changes in the way I feel. I'm still amazed that anyone here seeing and feeling the evidence would still want to interact with someone who actually makes you violently ill.[/quote]
Good words dagwood... .like my friend put it, why would you want to put your hand back in the meat grinder!  Essentially, however you word it, it's some kind of torture to us.  Just for a split second, during the last sentence, I wondered why I'm here, all suffering and grieving!  I wish there was something like that laundry detergent where we can SHOUT IT OUT!  LOL and be over with it.

Good words dagwood... .like my friend put it, why would you want to put your hand back in the meat grinder! 

Putting your hand in a Meat Grinder... .lol... .Love that DL. Not sure if you've ever broken a finger. About 15 yrs ago I busted the ring finger on my right hand pretty bad and required surgery on that finger. I have had several surgeries but Nothing, I mean Nothing hurt like that experience. So yeah, I can relate to that expression.

Each night that I lie in bed and if I start to think about my BPDx I focus on the faint pulse of my heart beating. Almost 3 months ago I could hear and feel the LOUD Pounding of my artery on my throat... .not anymore. So that's the feedback I'm giving to myself. Anytime she comes up in thought, I listen to the Peace my Body is now experiencing and I snap out of it fast!

My DH was in a long-term marriage with his now-ex, the NPD/BPD he referred to as The Dark Princess. Like... .33 years, not living together after 19 years.

When we married (still having to deal with her parentifying of DH, and her general craziness), it took a while to work through the anger I felt at the effect she had on DH's health.

Depression

Anxiety

High blood pressure

Diverticulosis/diverticulitis attacks

Herpes

PTSD

And this was a highly competent Army infantry officer.

It took several years of a solid, passionate, intimate marriage for BOTH of us to get past her affect on his health and life, but we did.

No, never broke a finger or a bone, but my leg hurts so bad I'm like a cripple some times.  I know about the beating you can here.  I've gotten back to a "peace" also. Not 100% because of the fallout of the RS, but I'm somehow getting better. Every couple three days I get the rollercoaster come to town and takes me for a good cry, but it used to be everyday.

I wonder, does anyone else get aches and pains in their joints? Really painful?

I started smoking cigarettes again after the breakup (I had been off them for about 5 years). I was drinking very heavily and not eating at all for days on end. I lost 30 pounds. I couldn't sleep because I was dreaming about her and waking up involved her being on my thoughts the very first thing in the morning. Without sleep I was a walking zombie that smelled like a brewery and an ashtray. I was a mess. It was only recently that I quit smoking and cut the drinking back to only with friends once a month. I started eating again but I was sticking with healthier foods. I never liked gyms so I just purchased some weights and started walking around my neighborhood to at least get outside.

So in short her effect on my health was devastating but it was mostly my fault because that was how I was dealing with the depression.

You sound like a wonderful wife/woman!

PTSD

Depression

Panic attacks

Insomnia

Weight loss (133lbs to 114lbs)

Chronic head ache

Chronic debilitating back pain.

Missed multiple menstrual cycles

Acne like I was 15

Short term memory loss.

1 year post divorce, 10 months since the last time I had to see his face, and 4 months since I had to hear his voice?

7 of the 10 are all but completely gone and the 3 that remain, are SO MUCH better... .

I am coming to life, and I LOVE IT!

"I wonder, does anyone else get aches and pains in their joints? Really painful?"

i feel like the joint pain is the single thing id most directly attribute to the breakup. it showed up immediately after the breakup happened and lasted a month or two. it wasnt debilitating, but it was tough to walk, and ive never experienced anything like it before or since.

The joint pain and insomnia could be due to elevated cortisol levels. Its worth a google. Our fight or flight reflex is driven by cortisol and stress will kick it into action. It governs our sleep rythm. Too much cortisol can give symptoms of fibromyalgia (joint pain).

There are a number of methods of lowering cortisol. Hot baths, healthy eating, music, dance, light exercise, cutting down caffeine and quitting smoking are just a few.

I've been overweight all my adult life and now... .45 pounds lighter, look better than I have done in twenty years... .Just a shame it came about through not being able to eat through anxiety, and has caused me to have severe anemia. And was accompanied by palpitations, numb left arm, onset of migraines, constant back ache, a feeling of being watched all the time, worry about every single thing I do. Or think. If I could think, because mainly my brain was a fog of confusion. Oh, and I think I probably now have an eating disorder.

On the plus side... .Day two of NC!

:-)

"The joint pain and insomnia could be due to elevated cortisol levels."

im confident thats accurate/what it was. i was used to adrenaline and stress throughout the relationship; it stands to reason that with it over, i would fully feel these things and theyd have their effect.

sam-e eliminated my joint pain as well as making everything i was experiencing - thinking, feeling, feel much smaller and more manageable. i highly recommend it.

Stress creates a Fight or Flight reaction on all aspects of the body and various chemicals are released through out the body to prepare one to either prepare for a Battle to survive or Run like Hell. If your body is in this state 24/7 there has to be an effect, short term as well as long term. Besides dedicating myself to learning all I can about BPD, I have also learned a great deal about Stress. Great site and link below.

www.stress.org/stress-effects/

For 2.5 years I submitted myself to help grow and nurture my BPDx. Unfortunately I got very little back except for intense sex and the initial love bombing (Idealization Phase). What I did get was a warning stroke, premature graying and lots of heartache as well as many of the physical effects from her confusing and contradictory words vs. actions. For those of you in early stages of separation I know/understand you would give anything to have that person back and make it work. I can assure you once your symptoms of stress and pain start to subside your own body will start to advise you and caution you about how harmful this person is to your body, mind, psyche and soul.

Oh, I forgot to mention the depression, during and after our "relationship." (if you wanna call it that)

Mild PTSD, jumping when being touched, got drunk a few times to ease the pain, ended up texting her to try to talk about why things ended "all your fault, you did x, x and x (* & even though I did those things with you*) you WERE THE PROBLEM. I'm so happy with x now and you can't come between us!" Damn, I don't wanna come between you, I just want some kind of closure for godssake!

Got a random blank text from her a few weeks later, baiting most likely. The depression of it all has to be the worst.

Actually no, the very worst feeling I've ever felt in my ENTIRE life was this sense of her being the only one holding ANY truth in the world, sucking the life out of whatever I'm doing at the moment that feeling comes up, and everyone else being an "ignorant waste of space" as she liked to refer to everyone in society. I internalized this and for a while I hated everyone, ___ them, they don't understand "me" (really just enmeshed me, mixed up with her feelings)

So despite the herpes she gave me, which can be lived with since I'm mostly asymptomatic and I WILL find a nice woman who will tolerate it or has it one day, the screwy beliefs you're at risk of absorbing are the worst part and have you wondering if you're the one at fault for your pain. Guess what. The pain is a gift.

I've been a stress sufferer for years, but years ago, I was eating and self medicating for adrenal fatigue.  But now this cortisol stuff?  Very interesting, I'm posting a link, and there are 10 signs about suffering from cortisol.  I score 10!

www.lissarankin.com/10-signs-you-have-way-too-much-cortisol (http://www.lissarankin.com/10-signs-you-have-way-too-much-cortisol)

That! A sense of terror and dredd. It's horrible... like I living nightmare. You might have a nightmare about your ex one night then you wake up and... .sadly things aren't much different.

She destroyed me very slowly psychologically - so bad that I could not engage in a conversation without breaking down.

I am the most laid back woman, very chilled out and patient. She pushed all the wrong buttons, my stress levels shot up at the thought of her coming anywhere near me.

I think depression started to set in as I had no motivation to get up, probably it was a matter of avoiding any possible rages and lies that happened.

I am self employed and due to the abuse I suffered I was unable to do my job, which entails looking after people whether individually or in crowds. I  signed myself off as it was too risky - as I was struggling to look after me and I could not look after anyone else. Only now, 8 months later and over 7 months NC and moving a few hundred miles away I am back at work.

My stress levels are way down, psychologically I am 1000x better, I am a lot healthier and feel so much better about myself.

She was intent on destroying me in every way she could, it was maximum hurt for me gave her immense pleasure. I got stronger through cycling and found the strength to get rid - if it would have carried on I dare not even think about the outcome.

I wanted to die. I never contemplated suicide until I met her. I lay in a heap in my bed for two weeks over Christmas two years ago. Had my cats not needed me to feed them I would have never climbed out of my bed. I didn't even shower.

A year later I don't even sleep in this bedroom. It looks like an episode of hoarders. I sleep in the spare room.

This relationship clearly effed me up.


I was and am still depressed even though I took her back for round two. I took this a-hole back and it lasted almost a year until discard #3 this May, with 6mo of that me dating someone else until she called them and broke us up (talk about boundary busting).

I could never trust her and was always waiting for it to happen again... .this is why I had kept dating someone else. I had 0 interest in sex with her after all the breaks (which was probably wise after she told me over break she met someone with herpes on Match but they never met)... .yet this person sent her flowers on Valentine's Day.

She is nothing but a lying, cheating psycho whore and all I did was keep taking her back.  

In Dec this year I had gastric surgery and lost 80lbs. I've been getting a lot of attention (positive) So now she has replaced me with a 300lb girl with really bad self esteem. Two weeks in and she tells me she is madly in love with this person, that their connection is "deep" and better than anything she's ever known.

I never had a deep conversation withy ex. All she could talk about was rocks, work and exes... .and her dysfunctional family. I am highly doubtful she has become deep.


So I guess my mental health has suffered the most in this. Plus I have PTSD and anxiety months later.

For the last two months of my relationship, I had terrible knee pain. I was running a lot in order to relieve the stress I was experiencing. I tried to let my knee heal and stayed off of it for three weeks, yet the pain remained. A week after our breakup-- knee pain gone... .

A knot in your stomach that never quite goes away even when there are 'good times' because you know they won't last.

Right now, got contact after 4 months.  I'm hurting like the first day out almost.  Tears, anxiety, fear, guilt, anticipation, excitement, horror, conflict, confusion.  Those are only some of the things for today.

If you go NC, my advice is to stay NC. She sent me ONE email today and I'm going to shreds... .

That's a great way to get immediate feedback on how you're doing on your detachment Dying.  So how can you use this?  Apart from eliminating contact, what else did you learn?  What do you need to do differently, more or less?

NC protects US the nons.  I don't know if I can ever go without NC, only if there were no reason for me to be in contact with her anyway. I'm still attached somewhere deep and I gotta work on getting that thread cut. It's easy to relapse. But it's also easier to stand up and get back on track. Today was a bad day for me, so I'll leave it at this.  Thanks fromHeeltoheal.

I'm sorry you had a bad day Dying, and it's good you can get back on track easily.  Two steps forward and one step back is still one step forward.

As something to aim for, one day you may get an email or whatever from her, and it won't even phase you, just some mild curiosity and amusement about how some people don't give up.  It's takes what it takes to get there, but it helps to focus on where you're going.  Take care of you!

Amen!  One day and I'll be happy that day too!  Thanks Fromheeltoheal

I can relate to many of the symptoms you've suffered with you pwBPD. About six months into our engagement I began having serious female problems and debilitating back pain. These included month long periods and also extreme panic attacks and anxiety. I've had bouts if anxiety since my mid 20's but it was infrequent and usually situational (like when flying) so I knew what it was but I would maybe one or two panic attacks a year for the past 20 years so it was definitely manageable and I had self soothing tools to use to control it. When I started feeling something was wrong in this r/s (about 5 months prior to marriage) my panic attacks increases to 3 or 4 times per week... .My body literally screaming at me to get out but I didn't listen and got married to my pwBPD anyway. I went on anti-anxiety and anti-depressants (Xanax and Wellbutrin) in January finally because I was also started to suffer from Vertigo from the anxiety. That helped though I've never taken meds in my life even following the sudden death of my first husband. I still take the Xanax but have gone off the anti-depressants. In March I learned what the problem was BPD (among other disorders my uBPDh has) and found this site and applied the tools and things are much better but I am physically addicted to the Xanax now - though that is not a big deal as I am on a lowish dose and my GP monitors it carefully so I do not overuse it. My GP knows what's going on. Since being on Xanax my female problems went away - clearly they were due to a stress response. My back pain has gone away to - other than the occasional back pain I get around an episode. I was getting massages once a week for a year to help this but it didn't help. Health wise I'm okay - prior to meeting BPD I had gone through a huge weight gain and loss following tge death of first h. I put on about 75lbs in 3 years and had lost 60 of it in 2 years right before meeting h. I still was working on the last 15 when we met but I haven't been able to lose it. I'm probably only 5 pounds less than I was when we met even though I continue to eat healthy work out limit caloric intake etc. The stress hormone cortisol really interferes with weight loss so I've just accepted that I might not get down to my ideal weight again though I'm only about 10 lbs away. But I'm okay with that because I am more focused on my inner self these days than my outward appearance though I like the way I look overall. But I do not want to gain weight again and I work diligently to make sure I don't. I'm not an emotional eater anyway so I've maintained this weight now for 2 years without gaining any back and that's fine with me. I have made h aware of the toll this has taken on my health and when he gets nasty he calls me "pill head " which is really cruel because I wouldn't have to take meds at all if it weren't for all his abusive BPD crap. He knows this too. Other times he will say "I know it's my fault that you're on meds and I hate that I've done that to you". Every day is a new day. We are okay today. Tomorrow? Who knows what tomorrow will bring or the next few hours. It's his mood instability that causes my anxiety and I know that but I don't blame him because it's my choice to stay with him. The Xanax right now makes that possible.

*mod*

The thread has reached it's post limit and is now locked. You are welcome with starting a new or similar topic of discussion.