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I am the BPD newbie here, but if my wife accuses me of adultery (and of course I am not), I don't validate her emotions or anything.  I would state that I am not and if she wishes to continue to believe that I am, she has to prove it or drop it.  I would then refuse to participate in any conversation after that point where the presumption is that I am committing adultery.  This assumes that you have never committed adultery in the past.

So BPD experienced members - is my above approach wrong?  It just seems to me that even validating the emotion will just be interpreted as an admission of guilt by the pwBPD.

Depends... .

pwBPD don't want to hear wether or not their feelings are "justified"... .

They want to hear that "You care about their feelings".

@Fian my H does that from time to time when he's feeling down about himself. In my experience, the best answer that works is S.E.T (sympathize, empathize, truth)

Example: I understand you feel like I'm cheating, I would be upset too if I thought that. However, I am not and have not cheated on you. I love you and you are my husband, and I am dedicated to our marriage.

I understand that, but this is adultery we are talking about.  It just doesn't seem to me that validating their emotions makes sense when they are totally off base.  If I thought my spouse was cheating on me, that would be driving my emotions off the chart.  Validating my emotions won't help - being assured that my spouse is not cheating on me would.

Now if my spouse was talking about a lesser issue, I can understand how the SET approach makes sense.  But does it work, when they are convinced you did a marriage breaking act?

In FF's case, she has a particular person who she believes he is cheating with.  Does that matter in your above example?

 :check: Maybe seen as admission of guilt

:check: Maybe seen as admission of guilt at the time of the outburst, but not latter.

:check: Maybe not seen as admission of guilt

It really depends on so many things.  :)

I think we sometimes look at validation too mechanically and too acutely - in the immediate term. I think it helps to look at it and manage it over time. For example, if my wife has reoccurring insecurities about me cheating, its a "tell" that I need, in general, to make her feel more adored and maybe be more transparent.  

This is approach to validation tends to work better, deeper.  It's more effective.  And I can tailor it to feel right for me - not compromising.

There will still be bursts from time to time, and in the context of a broader validation effort, the goal is to do what is best to help the burst extinguish.  It might be a hug with "cupcake, I could never love anyone but you", it might be an attempted hug with a refusal and then just giving her space (without attitude), it might be showing a receipt that shows you were at the batting cage with the boys, it might be a joke, it might be to be vulnerable and say "that really hurts my feelings because I care so much about you", it might be getting indignant.  Using all of these over time is good. Mixing it up is good.

The problem with "I'm sorry you feel that I... ." is that, if its not delivered right, or it is delivered too many times, your partner will here  "I'm sorry your nuts and think that you need my condescending pity".

Skip

P.S. No, I would not call her cupcake

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What you have to understand is their feelings are fleeting. In any given moment, they might be absolutely convinced you are cheating (usually due to feelings of inadequacy on their part) and the next they would never believe it for a moment. It's just the way it is. Think about any times you might have had just a nudging thought. Just one... .they answered a text or something that gave you pause. For a non... .it's a fleeting thought and you know it's not real, it was based on jealousy from the moment. For you... .it's a 1 on your scale. For them, it's a 12 making a break for 25.

The reason why SET works is because you are saying "It's OK to feel that way." which for pwBPD is so very needed. They need their thoughts validated because they think everything they do, say and think is wrong.

Cross posted with ColdEthyl


In "Our" world an accusation of infidelity stems from compiled evidence. In pwBPD world the accusation stems from a "fear of abandonment" based on "feelings" that something has changed. By flat out denying you are telling them their "feelings" are wrong. When you tell a pwBPD they are wrong they ":)ig in".  

It makes YOU feel better to defend your honor but it doesn't help the underlying cause of their "Feelings"... .it actually makes it worse.

Missed Skip's post in this thread... .  Just read it... .  I'm re-tweeting.

you validate valid feelings not facts. she feels concerned you are cheating. every woman has concerns that their man is cheating. this is validating. then saying i would never cheat on you. is reassuring.

but remember thinking you may be cheating may be a projection of hers?

sorry to point this out   

I would ask why she feels this way. Then find something in that to validate. Accusations like this are often symptoms of something deeper.

eg

her:You are cheating

you: why do you feel this?

her: because you are always getting home from work late for no reason

you:does that make you feel neglected when you dont know where I am?

Her; of course it does, thinking you are with someone else.

You: I can see how it stresses you, I have no desire to be with anyone else, would you like me to call when I am running late, would that make you feel better?

You are not validating the accusation only that you are aware of the causes of these feelings. asking questions is in itself validating, it shows you are taking their anxieties seriously. You don't always have to fix her anxiety, but at least show a willingness to be open to discussing it.