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Title: Don't you want to Dance ? Post by: Oooohm on June 17, 2015, 04:45:51 PM I've been back on the boards now for about 6 months and been reading and posting a bit. (6 year absence)
Something I'm wondering... . We all here know about the BPD ":)ance". Our SOs have become dependent on that dance with us. As dysfunctional as it is, ironically, it seems to provide them with some sort of "Stability" (I DON"T mean emotional stability). In a way they view it as "Having Someone" committed to ":)ance" with them... .A ":)ance Partner". We spend a lot of time here "Learning Lessons" and talking about how "NOT TO DANCE"... .To stop the "dancing"... . And VERY little time talking about "Replacing the Dance" ... .with something healthier. Seems everyone is very focused on mitigating conflict, and forgetting the fact that "Left in that Vacuum" of no dancing a pwBPD will start to battle serious abandonment fears, self worth issues, loneliness. We all feel better because we are being pro-active, feel like we are doing the "right things" now... .but how do they feel without a ":)ance Partner". When was the last time you Laughed with your SO... . Pulled them in close and actually danced, spur of the moment, to some music you both like that suddenly came on after a movie on TV... .Jumped on them and gave them a "Wet Willy", or tickled them till they laughed... . Held up your arms in a big arc with a big smile when they come in the room for a HUG... .Chased them around the room pinching their butt... . We need to remember sometimes that all the VALIDATING, and SETing in the world won't help if we don't ":)ANCE" with them. Title: Re: Don't you want to Dance ? Post by: vortex of confusion on June 17, 2015, 04:58:23 PM When was the last time you Laughed with your SO... . Pulled them in close and actually danced, spur of the moment, to some music you both like that suddenly came on after a movie on TV... .Jumped on them and gave them a "Wet Willy", or tickled them till they laughed... . Held up your arms in a big arc with a big smile when they come in the room for a HUG... .Chased them around the room pinching their butt... . I love this! I think it takes some work to get to that point. There for a while, any attempts at playfulness by either of us ended in some kind of conflict. That led to us both being afraid to relax and have fun and be silly. The pendulum has swung from grumpy/mad to silly. The kids commented to him that he was being too silly to which he replied, "Silly is better than grumpy." <sigh>I will take silly over grumpy for sure. Title: Re: Don't you want to Dance ? Post by: waverider on June 18, 2015, 06:36:51 AM I get this
Trying to rid someone of illogical crazy behavior leaves them in an alien space. They can't relax. In our house there is still a lot of crazy childlike nonsense, which I participate in. The difference is because i join in it can be directed in a more harmless even eccentric oddball way. So the dance continues only now there is more structure to it, and less stepping on toes. Much less of a mosh pit and more like a ballroom. But the band still plays on, only a different tune |