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I'm feeling the need to confess... .

As much as I tell myself that not much bothers me... .

Things bug me.  Sometimes I'm angry at him.  Sometimes I wish I mattered to him.

It doesn't sound like much to most but... .

I wished him a Happy Father's Day via txt.

(We are on business like terms... not friendly ones... .he is more NPD than BPD traits& mild)

So my intention was ill.  But you wouldn't know it.  It is in line with the covert games he plays, his D plays, his exW plays.

I know he has been alienated from his D.  He alienated me from her after his ex was done alienating him. (Misplaced... .projection of his ex onto me) (I don't forgive him for this)

I know he is likely sitting at home depressed over the fact that his kid won't visit, won't send a card, won't txt.

I wanted him to think:  Damn, my darn kid won't spend this day with me... .Here my ex is, who recognizes my pain over this... .wishing me well today... .when my day is not well.  I'm a bit embarrassed, I never wished her a happy Mother's Day... .but that could be why she did it.  I'm still compelled to say thx or I'm "the bad guy."  And now I have to admit to myself... .her saying this... .was actually nice and kind and I miss nice and kindness... .and a wee part of me has a pang of tiny bity loss. Loss for a person who cared, could see my pain, meant well, and now I'm left with not my D, and also not SF... .even tho I left her to save my r/s with D, now I have neither.  ... .Vs his usual denial of his painful feelings.

So that is my confession today. 

snap. the ol back handed happy father's day  :)

good for you for confessing and getting this off your chest sunflower. i hope it helps. you seem pretty aware of your motives here, so you dont need me to guess at them. so my question would be, with this awareness in mind, what do you plan on doing in the future? do you see yourself doing things like this again? your motives are clear, but more specifically, what drove them/is driving them?

can you/have you forgiven yourself? i did some similar things, had some similar thoughts. i was projecting a bit, and seeking validation i could ultimately only give to myself. so its not my place to forgive you or not, but i do like to think i understand.

It does bug me some that I feel discarded and unappreciated.

I do see these as MY problem, not his.  I supposed if I cared more for myself, then it would not bother me?

I'm not angry at myself, I don't really blame myself too much so don't think I need to forgive myself in this area.

Yea, I guess I wish there was some validation from him.  It would be nice to see him experience a similar reality, similar to mine, of our b/u vs the fictitious story he created to soothe himself in his own lies to himself.

So there is a bit of a feeling of something I need to resolve within myself... .

Self validation?

Hmm. I'm not sure about this. I have maintained total NC for 23 months now so I don't have the opportunity or even the desire to do this although I have probably taken small jabs in some of the numerous court statements. In any case, my ex is dangerous and it's true that I don't want to trigger her.

Why mess with somebody that's already messed up? Once you've healed and you are over this you might feel like a jerk and then you have to live with it. I wouldn't have thought that would be a good feeling.

Personally, I want to know in future that I did the right thing, that I tried and I did the best I could and was ethical. It will ensure I have no regrets or feelings of guilt and can put her out if my mind forever.

Every time the police arrest me for alleged breach of restraining order, it's stressful, it's embarrassing when the neighbors and their children watch me being taken away, and wastes my time seeing as the allegations are false and I am always released without charge. When they take you to the police station they put you in a holding cell the size of a telephone box and keep you there longer than necessary while they "process" you. In reality the cops are out the back discussing their plans for the weekend and they keep you in that cell for as long as possible to "break" you. And there are criminals in the cell either side of you - it's not pleasant.

If you understand that they're messed up it's easy to forgive even when they cause such inconveniences. The Greeks have a neat expression... ."Leave the madman to his madness". In other words... .leave them alone. You can heal - they can't.

"It does bug me some that I feel discarded and unappreciated."

well sure it does. it sucks. 

"I do see these as MY problem, not his.  I supposed if I cared more for myself, then it would not bother me?"

thats a great step, in the sense of taking personal responsibility. your feelings are yours to overcome. but that doesnt mean your feelings are "wrong". if you cared for more for yourself, it would likely still bother you on some level. i can care for myself all day long, how people treat me will still bother me, or have some effect on me.

"Yea, I guess I wish there was some validation from him.  It would be nice to see him experience a similar reality, similar to mine, of our b/u vs the fictitious story he created to soothe himself in his own lies to himself."

i probably dont need to tell you, two different people share two different realities. a fictitious story one creates to soothe themselves in their own lies to themselves, is still one persons reality. this is not unique to BPD; we are all prone to it, and im guilty of it in my life myself. it was difficult to accept, but i cant change another persons reality. my actions might even reinforce it. in my life, ive had some friends who are not BPD, but were noticeably lacking in empathy. when i would seek it from them, id get the opposite, and id feel worse as a result. it was up to me to change that dynamic. i stopped seeking what another person had communicated they couldnt give.

"So there is a bit of a feeling of something I need to resolve within myself... .

Self validation?"

|iiii  feeling abandoned, or invalidated can be seen as a real opportunity. it leaves us to our own devices. thats a test of ourselves. engaging in, and beating that test results in all kinds of things: renewed self esteem, self confidence, self efficacy, self validation, overall sense of self; its a real way to find ourselves, and find the strength in ourselves.