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Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting => Topic started by: momtara on June 21, 2015, 05:28:54 PM



Title: quick post - need response advice - ex asks to come along on trip w/kids
Post by: momtara on June 21, 2015, 05:28:54 PM
I sent an email to my ex about a trip I plan to take with the kids and our friends next month, 3 hours away. I have to inform him as per our divorce agreement. He wrote back asking if we can go together. Also, 2 weeks ago, he asked when we are getting back together. He said his therapists wanted to know. I responded 2 weeks ago that wasn't a thing we should be discussing right now. With the trip, not sure how to phrase the "no" in response. I figured the trip would trigger and upset him but had to tell him.

Any suggestions on email in response? I was going to write: As for the trip, we already made the plans and I expected/need to go alone.

That's short and sweet, although 'need to go alone' doesn't make a lot of sense. Not sure what else I could say.


Title: Re: quick post - need response advice - ex asks to come along on trip w/kids
Post by: GaGrl on June 21, 2015, 06:30:53 PM
What would be a BIFF response?


Title: Re: quick post - need response advice - ex asks to come along on trip w/kids
Post by: momtara on June 21, 2015, 07:32:03 PM
Huh, good point. I also realized I didn't validate. But I think my original response fits BIFF. Maybe should start with "It's a nice idea but... ." to validate?

B - Brief, yes, it is.

Informative - Well, to a point. Gave a nebulous reason for saying no.

Friendly - I can start with 'A nice thought, but... .'

Firm - Yes.

Actually, if I am friendly and validate, maybe I am leading him on by saying it's a nice idea? And 'nice thought' may be condescending.

What do you think of just going with my original response:

Regarding the trip, I had already planned/expected to go alone.


Title: Re: quick post - need response advice - ex asks to come along on trip w/kids
Post by: GaGrl on June 21, 2015, 07:53:04 PM
Hmmm... .

Will he respond to the expected/planned comment by thinking there is room to change your mind?

Is there a chance that you will re-unite?


Title: Re: quick post - need response advice - ex asks to come along on trip w/kids
Post by: momtara on June 21, 2015, 08:05:55 PM
unlikely we will ever reunite unless a miracle happened and he was cured of his BPD.

so what kind of response would you suggest?


Title: Re: quick post - need response advice - ex asks to come along on trip w/kids
Post by: Turkish on June 21, 2015, 08:07:23 PM
I sent an email to my ex about a trip I plan to take with the kids and our friends next month, 3 hours away. I have to inform him as per our divorce agreement. He wrote back asking if we can go together.

Given what you wrote after, this odd request makes sense, otherwise it wouldn't. I'd shorten it up as much as possible: "No."

These are two separate issues. Don't mix them together, though in his mind it seems that they are intertwined.

Excerpt
Also, 2 weeks ago, he asked when we are getting back together. He said his therapists wanted to know. I responded 2 weeks ago that wasn't a thing we should be discussing right now.

That seems open-ended in my mind, PD or not. It gives hope where there is none... .or is there?

Excerpt
With the trip, not sure how to phrase the "no" in response. I figured the trip would trigger and upset him but had to tell him.

Any suggestions on email in response? I was going to write: As for the trip, we already made the plans and I expected/need to go alone.

There's a bit of JADE here, perhaps minus the A. You made the plans. He isn't invited. Period. No. Explaining why opens up the potential for argument.


Title: Re: quick post - need response advice - ex asks to come along on trip w/kids
Post by: GaGrl on June 21, 2015, 10:46:05 PM
Turkmenistan she is more straightforward than I was.

As to the vacation, I agree with Turkish... .remember, "No" is a complete sentence.

You need to reply to his two questions in two separate emails - do NOT get those issues connected.

If there is 99% chance you will re-unite, deal with that. His T is asking because T is trying to work him through the reality of his future, just as you must do.


Title: Re: quick post - need response advice - ex asks to come along on trip w/kids
Post by: whirlpoollife on June 22, 2015, 01:08:24 AM
I don't know the right response other  than , no and as Gagirl said, keep them seperate.

The more you explain , no he is not going with you on your trip, the more he is going to sabatoge your  time with kids and friends, instill guilt that he is left alone.

My xh never allowed myself and kids to visit my family, ( when they were alive).  Less than a week and nothing more than being with my family. ( I would pay )   He would say how dare I go have a nice time without him , it wasn't far that he would be at work and then have to take care of the pets and yard and cook for himself... .blah blah.  He then rumored  that if I , and kids ,went to see my family , that I would never come back so he has to go with to keep an eye on things.  

This year is my turn to pick the weeks for vacation first. Before I posted my weeks to him, he said  he wants two weeks in a row , and allows me to do the same. I responded that his allowing me doesn't make it ok to change the court order, nor would my work allow it. But ok for this year , what two weeks are you wanting?

Well that was a month ago and I have no response from him... .which doesn't allow me to let my employers know what extra days I can work.

I see it as his control and jealousy and  I see your x doing the same to you.

And when my xh needs to ask a question, it is in the form of someone else , like kids, wanting to know the answer and he is acting as the middle man to get the answer for them.

It doesn't seem truthful that his therapist wants to know when you are getting back together .

That is not something that you can give a certain date on even though it was in that form of that type of question.  

Possibly no ( Obligated )response to that one is best?