BPDFamily.com

This past Monday my girlfriend decided that she was done with me and was no longer in love with me. The problem is... .My girlfriend and I both have been diagnosed with BPD. I have overcome a lot of my issues through talk therapy and have found a way to cope with the disorder. My moments of instability have significantly been decreased from cycles to at best a couple of hours. I still have work to do but I am very happy with my progress. My girlfriend on the other hand has maintained that she is fully recovered and is incapable of recognizing that she is in fact acting out exactly as someone deep in their BPD would lash out.

I think in order the fully grasp my question there needs to be a history of our back story. My girlfriend and I met a year ago by chance as she was bar tending in the same mall I work at. That day I walked in and instantly felt a connection I couldn't fully understand. I left that night without her number but instead with the promise of returning later that week. I never did. I thought about her for days after that night but still did not return.  Fast forward a year and I am walking back into the restaurant I initially met her and instantly she is on my mind. I tell myself there is no way she still works there... .I look up and there she is. My breathe was quite literally taken away as I took two steps back and felt my heart skip multiple beats. That night I told myself I wouldn't walk away again and I didn't. We fell into a whirlwind romance that was almost immediately obvious we both were dealing with BPD. We stuck together and when things were good they were REALLY good... .But the few times they weren't... .Well... .

I quickly realized her claims of recovery were most likely smoke and mirrors. She tried to convince me I was in fact the one with a lot more work to do. Something I almost found myself believing. Sex became a "thing" ... .Her desire to have sex constantly obviously fueled by her need to feel valuable and worthy. No amount of telling her how beautiful or perfect... .Intelligent or charismatic... .None of it was enough. She still began to feel abandoned and rejected. In the midst of this I found myself also fearing she would eventually leave me and reject me. I had the longest episode I've had in quite some time which lasted about 2-3 days before I took the time to be mindful and bring myself back to center. Her response to this was to instead tell me I had messed up to badly and because of this she was no longer in love with me and did not want to be with me anymore and it was over.

She has said this multiple times, showing obvious signs of even fearing me as she did her ex who physically and emotionally abused her to which I made sure to reassure her I would NEVER hurt her. She did come around and allow me to touch her... .Kiss her... .It was obvious by her body language and her acceptance of it that her words did not match what she craved.

My question is this: we are going on day two of no contact. My heart is broken. I am truly and madly in love with this girl. I am beyond willing to make it work with her HEALTHILY in a way where we enter therapy together and work on ourselves as wel as our relationship simultaneously. Deep inside my heart I believe she will come around... .But who can be sure. I guess my question is... .In past experiences by members here... .What has been most common based off of everything you've read? Should I abandon all hope? Is it best to have no contact? Should I slowly and carefully keep trying? Any and all advice is appreciated and welcome. I just need some knowledge. Some peace of mind. Some shared experiences. Please. Anyone.

 

Welcome to the forums!

 

It sounds like you are in a rough spot. I don't know that there is a most common thing. Some people have had their partners return and some people haven't. Either way, you can still work on yourself and try to figure out what it is that you want if she returns.

Have you looked through any of the lessons? They might help provide some insight on things that you can do to hone up on some stuff.