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Title: I find myself wanting to apologize Post by: Processing on June 26, 2015, 04:30:15 PM I brought up a concern with my spouse which turned into a big fight. Now I find myself wanting to apologize for having brought it up. The bad rational I have is that I would rather be a little unhappy with the status quo than completely unhappy in a conflict. Especially, when it feels like the conflict will never really be resolved. Is this co-dependency, or just a normal discomfort in couples. I am not suicidal or anything :). I just think I am done with the fight and want to move on and not ruin the weekend. Ugh!
Title: Re: I find myself wanting to apologize Post by: EaglesJuju on June 26, 2015, 04:38:20 PM Do you feel that there is anything that you should apologize for or are you doing it to keep the peace?
Is there a way you can not say anything and let the matter die? Title: Re: I find myself wanting to apologize Post by: Fian on June 26, 2015, 04:39:28 PM Personally, I couldn't do that. I feel that I would be untruthful (important to me), plus it just reinforces the victim thinking of a pwBPD. You won't be able to get them to change, imo, if you just accept the blame, and the fear is that if you continually appease them, at some point you decide that you can no longer tolerate it, but instead are burned out by the constant appeasement - you lose sight of who you are and what is right and what is wrong.
On the other hand, I suppose that when you are talking to someone that has a hard time accepting truth, it can be easier just to try and manage them instead of trying to get them to see things correctly. If you do wish to continue to speak truth, but manage their response, I know that many here encourage the use of SET to make it more acceptable to pwBPD: Sympathy Empathy Truth Title: Re: I find myself wanting to apologize Post by: Surg_Bear on June 27, 2015, 08:48:43 AM You won't be able to get them to change, imo, if you just accept the blame, and the fear is that if you continually appease them, at some point you decide that you can no longer tolerate it, but instead are burned out by the constant appeasement - you lose sight of who you are and what is right and what is wrong. The constant giving in- just for the sake of 10 minutes peace - is maddening. Do it for decades, and you will realize that you are having to explain why you need to go to the restroom at a restaurant. WHY YOU NEED TO USE THE RESTROOM. RESTROOM. REST. EST. SET. The solution. Surg_Bear Title: Re: I find myself wanting to apologize Post by: hellosun on June 29, 2015, 10:30:05 AM You won't be able to get them to change, imo, if you just accept the blame, and the fear is that if you continually appease them, at some point you decide that you can no longer tolerate it, but instead are burned out by the constant appeasement - you lose sight of who you are and what is right and what is wrong. The constant giving in- just for the sake of 10 minutes peace - is maddening. Do it for decades, and you will realize that you are having to explain why you need to go to the restroom at a restaurant. WHY YOU NEED TO USE THE RESTROOM. RESTROOM. REST. EST. SET. The solution. Surg_Bear This ^ PwBPD do not need to be catered to like a spoiled child. Do spoiled children seem very happy? No. Because they have not learned to deal with the reality that sometimes they will be disapointed, they are unable to calm themselves and cultivate gratefulness for what they have. |