BPDFamily.com

Can anyone help with hints/tips?

I've read lots of information on validation but am still struggling to put it into practise;(

I know I've made things worse this morning and of course wish I hadn't but I simply can't focus on validating when I'm so upset/disappointed/dismayed.

Scene: my H went out to the pub last night, because there was a fly in the room! He didn't return until morning when I discovered he had been in a police cell all night for throwing a mayo bottle at a kebab server for 'not giving him his money's worth of food'!

My head is shouting... I'm ashamed of you; I'm so disappointed because for health reasons you're no supposed to drinking... .or eating kebab; if you'd been at home none of this would have happened etc etc.

I didn't say any of those things but I know my face would have said some of them and I couldn't find a single thing from his rant about how unjust it all was to validate. So now I'm 'on their side' so he's also angry with me and despite lots of techniques I've practised, I'm angry too  

Here is my take:

You can validate that the fly in the room prevented him to fall asleep (he felt annoyed).

You can validate that he was ("must have been" badly served at the kebab's

You can validate that he felt ("must have felt" disrespected and got angry

You can validate that he had ("must have had" an awful night in the police cell

You acknowledge his experience of things so that he feels heard, understood.

You should not validate the invalid (i.e: the aggression - throwing a mayo bottle at someone). If he went to the pub, I'm assuming he got drunk (?). That's not a healthy coping mechanism. So again, something NOT to validate.

The rest are the consequences - spent the night in a police cell because of hitting someone with a mayo bottle. Pure facts, it's the law. You're not "on their side", it's just what happened. Hopefully he'll learn the lesson.

But observe the difference between these 2 when he comes back in the morning:

1 - "Hey you! where have you been, you've been drinking again I bet? What happened!"

2 - "Honey I'm so glad to see you! I was worried something happened to you - are you ok? Tell me about it"

There is a great video on validation by Alan Fruzzeti that you should watch, he goes deep into the subject:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=206132.0

As I read this, the first question that came to mind is, "Why do you feel the need to validate him in this situation?"

He spent the night in jail for throwing something at a cook.

You are so busy worrying about his feelings and validating him that you aren't thinking about yourself. If I have taken one thing away from the lessons and the discussions with the senior members, it is that there are times when one should stop worrying about validating, especially in a situation when there might not be enough to validate. Sure, he was frustrated. How can you validate a level of frustration that would lead one to throw something like that? In those cases, I think the best that you can do is to NOT invalidate. That might look something like listening and nodding without saying much at all.

Hi Fraggle12,


Sounds like a prudent move. Your H has a boundary of not staying in a room where he can be attacked by a fly 


However he seems to struggle staying with the boundaries of the law.


Validation: Emotions often get transfered. Our emotions can give us a good idea what is going emotionally on the other side due to transference. Of course this needs a sanity check by thinking head - maybe you feel what he feels or maybe you feel what your mother would have felt. In this case I bet what you felt was going in the same direction what he was feeling:

- shame

- disappointment

- anger

- insecurity, not knowing what to say

- denial

- fear

So there is the list. Just need to be expressed now.

"You probably don't know what to tell me. Are afraid of my judgment. Wanting do defend yourself. Wanting that this never happened, feeling like the victim, wanting to explain it away."