BPDFamily.com

After a hellish week, my pwBPD pulled me aside last night to talk about our relationship. Nothing this week has made since. We have been together over a year and each time a stressful event is occurring, he breaks up with me. This time it centered around the 4th of July and the fact that he is moving. Last Wednesday, he was so stressed about his coworkers party, he tried to end our relationship. I am shy and the only other time he took me to the same coworkers party, I froze up and barely spoke to anyone. I convinced him to wait, and get through the weekend. The weekend was great. We had a lot of fun together and I even opted to spend the party apart to make him feel better.

We went wine tasting yesterday, holding hands and kissing all day, got back to his place and before the night was over, we had the talk. This breakup was different in that there were no fights or tears. Usually we are both bawling. We held hands afterwords. I spent the night. I left most of my things at his place. In the past, I have moved on immediately when we split and started dating other people. I have no urge to do that now.

I asked him last night if I could still help him move. He wanted to know why? Was against it at first and then accepted it. I asked him if we could still be friends, he said yes and that we could hang out every once in a while too. It's like he didn't want the break up. He said he had to build up the courage to even have the conversation with me.

I'm at home now. I have been in bed all day, he went to work. I am worried about him not trying to contact me. All I can do is try to keep myself busy.

I am going to add small details to what I missed as I think of them. It's helping me sort out what happened and make since of it.

After we got done talking last night he went into kind of a trance. We were watching tv, but had the sound turned all the way down. He stayed that way for about 45 minutes, just looking kind of sad and unfocused. Its the first time I have seen this look on his face.

Before we went to sleep, he asked me why I stayed. He said most people would have left a long time ago given our history.

This morning, he told me that he was doing me a favor by breaking it off. That I am a party girl (I'm not) and now I could go out and do what I wanted. I defended myself and said I had no interest in partying anymore.

Before he walked to his car we hugged and I reached up and kissed him. He told me that I would be ok before walking away.

One of the hallmarks of BPD is instability of emotions. What they feel is what the reality is. Even if it isn't true for the rest of us.

Then later feelings shift. Part of what we are learning here, new people to the site, like you and I... .is to integrate this understanding into our perspective of the situation and our partner. I personally am having problems, because I keep snapping back to the default that a normal person would not be treating me so terribly. Then I recall BPD.


Maybe you are riding the same rollercoaster?

So what are you wanting to do? Are you going to stay on this board and consider yourself staying? I am staying but right now, I don't know how to move forward. I am meeting a lot of inner resistance in the form of hurt and resentment. Still, I am reading and learning the tools, thinking about what I will do and say if situations come up again.

What are you hoping to do for your situation? What direction do you want to go? Do you understand from him what the crux of the situation is?

Again, I am sorry you are having to dealing with this. I know the anxiety of it, the pain of it all, so well. It's a terrible place to end up getting stuck.

Thank you very much! I have been reading a lot about BPD lately and understanding it more and more. I have also discovered lately that my bf mirrors my mood a lot as well. It has helped me keep control on the emotions on display.

I understand what happened. I have been more and more upset lately with his behavior and displaying it openly. I had a meltdown at the fair recently and cried in front of him telling him that he was killing me. There was another incident as well. I had no idea that he was going to take it so hard. By the time I realized what was happening it was too late. The ball was already set in motion.

I can only ride this one out and learn from it. Hope he doesn't meet someone else in the next week or two to take my place. This was my worst fear and it hurts more that I am the cause of it. 

I feel like I am going crazy today. It's been a little over 24 hours with no contact. I keep trying to analyze the motive behind all of this. I am not even sure what to do with myself now. I was going to go get a dog to try and keep myself busy. My school ended last week and now I am sitting at home bored. I thought about going out on a couple of dates but I am not sure if that would help me feel better. I am still questioning the motive behind this. Every time before, its been an explosive ending, with us giving each other all of our things back. This time nothing, calm talk, he still has all of my things including my passport and keys to my house. I still have a lot of his stuff. I just don't know what to make of this? Think I will go get a dog in the meantime.

dogs are wonderful things to have. It's almost guaranteed love and happy to see you every time.

I think your boyfriend is dysregulating. So I will give you the advice everyone is giving me: keep yourself busy, take care of yourself.

I am having a hard time today taking that advice. Maybe I am just having an upset day. Maybe we just have them.

So where are you thinking of looking for a dog? Are you hoping to find a puppy, or a grown up dog? Any special kind of dog you are hoping to find?

I went and looked at adult dogs. I was trying to get a dachsund and found one I really liked. I just think I might be jumping into it too fast, so I walked away. Good advice on keeping myself busy! I am going on meet up right now and planning out the rest of my week. I have made a lot of good friends from that site in the past.

Hi

I've had a similar experience to what you describe but I've been in a r/s for 2years. It's killing me. After the latest episode I've decided I'm going yo yo NC and not risk recycling again. I think a dog is a good idea do I will look into it. I hope things get easier for you soon

L

Last night I went and watched a comedy performance to try and get my mind off of what was going on. Afterwords I got the stupid idea to drive by and see if he was home. I knew it was wrong. I kept repeating, "go home" to myself over and over again. Unfortunately it didn't work. When I saw that his car was not there, I went around the corner and called him. He answered immediately and asked if he could call me back. I was already halfway home when he called a couple of minutes later. He seemed happy to hear from me and explained that he was at a meeting for his travel company. Then he asked me to go on a trip with him in the next month. Said I was a good travel partner, even though we were just friends. I said I would look at the trip and get back to him. Today I messaged him that I wanted to go. Then inquired about him going to an upcoming wine festival in a couple of weeks. He agreed to go. No other communication today. Everything short brief and to the point. I am so confused. How can a relationship be so confusing. Should I be moving on or preparing for the upcoming vacation? Wow

Why do I continue to take this abuse? Why can't I just walk away? I know how wrong it is. He himself sees me as being so weak. I need someone to be there for me right now. I am going through a rough time. Instead I sit at home all day and spend my summer alone. Waiting on him. What is wrong with me? No one else would put up with this. Why am I?

I want to have a normal relationship. I am tired of hurting. This is never going to get better. I really want to be strong and walk away. I need to find the strength.

Update? I'm going through the same thing pretty much & have in the past with my pwBPD and i'm a guy. Went on a date or two with women that are 10s and they are showing extreme interest wanting to hang out more but I just can't do it. I compare anyone I date to my pwBPD. And all our interests and who we are is just so perfect. It sucks having to take this bs from time to time. My situation is a bit different as I actually lashed out at her for basically the first time ever in 2 years. It was really bad... .She got a restraining order and moved into her cousins but broke it 6 days into it where we communicated on skype. I am actually taking a no contact route right now on skype in hopes she gives in and texts me. In the mean time I just got done lifting weights and have been eating organic and clean mostly. Also very important to go on a walk everyday and get sun. Send me a PM and we can get each other through this every time it happens. Looking forward to it... .

Hi Livingme35

I really feel for you. It's really hard to leave once you are love someone and you are enmeshed. I get FOG quite a lot. I know my gf will be just fine without me, so the fact tag to can't is my issue and I'm trying to work on this. There is no way to separate the disorder from the personality, it's one of the same. Get some head space and decide how you want your life to pan out

L