BPDFamily.com

So a week ago she ceased contact with me in the middle of RS when everything was going fine.

She then reached out to me after a week and just wanted to "hang out" but she didn't want to talk too much about things, just wanted to see me.

So i met her for an hour, we talked and joked, I was pretty calm and centered, didn't bring too much up just gently teased her about her dissapearing act (she responds well if i tease her about negative behaviours, it lets her know that I know but it's framed with humor so it's not overwhelming)

Anyway there was no RS talk, because I could tell it wouldn't go anywhere at this point (i'd get talk of "pressure" and "not sure where i am" etc so i didn't bother)

I did say I wanted to go to a movie with her as the way "back in" i've found is if I remain calm, eventually things come back to normal.

But I can't keep doing these dissapearing acts and "fresh starts"

does anyone have any insight, is this common?

Hi Infern0,

This is very common in relationships with pwBPD. It is a push-pull dynamic probably caused by fear of abandonment or engulfment. Each time the cycle repeats it is reinforced, so the only way to get out of this cycle is to stop participating in it.   

In my opinion the healthiest thing to do is to communicate your values and boundaries with assertiveness but in a very loving and non confrontational way. If you read the success stories, most of the time the Non had to stand up and tell the pwBPD this kind of behavior had to stop or "I won't be able to continue next time you come back". You have to be able to walk away and mean it.

In my experience with my BPDgf she will acknowledge that she feels loved if I take her back. It is a way of "feeling accepted the way she is". As the relationship evolves and she opens up emotionally things get talked and it's easier to reflect on behaviors and what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. I can't stress how important it is to choose the appropriate moment to talk things out. It is better if she engages conversation (sooner or later she does, when she is ready). Remaining calm, centered, loving and assertive is key. Having lot's of patience and showing appreciation for any kind of progress is very important too. Never be a push over and stand up for yourself.

PwBPD are very unstable and their emotions are peaking most of the time. I asked my BPDgf how she perceived her average or "normal" emotional state in a scale of 1 to 10 and she said "8". It amazes me how well she masks this intensity but now I also understand how a very simple thing can trigger her so much.

Good luck,

mw

Yeah i'm going to carry on until she gets more comfortable then i'll have to have "the talk" at an appropriate moment.

This last cycle i didn't bring anything up because i thought we were moving past this kind of thing then it came from nowhere.

Just some very basic communication on her side would save a lot of problems

Hi Infern0,

I can understand how frustrating that would be with the disappearing acts. I'd like to add to what mindwise said and that a pwPD have identity disturbance and a persistent unstable self-image or sense of self; the pwBPD get their sense of self from their partner and if the pwBPD feel like their sense of self is under attack they may reciprocate with anger.

As previously noted that pwBPD will push / pull and when the pwBPD is feeling engulfed they feel like their sense of self will merge or be annihilated by the partner and will push their partner away and when the fear of abandonment is then triggered from the distance.  

A pwBPD feel a lot of shame which is different than guilt, guilt is feeling like we did something wrong and shame is feeling like there is something wrong with us. Many of us can't relate to that feeling and would have to think back to our childhood to associate with feeling shame.

I can understand how disappointing this may feel Infern0. How does it sound like if we look at it from a different perspective and that her disappearing acts / fresh starts as a persistent unstable sense-of self? Are you familiar with radical acceptance?

I know this is a hard question, but is it not clear that you are in a relationship (vs dating/courting) and, if so, an exclusive relationship. Both ways.

It's important to get a compass and mark where this is as the rules are different in the various relationship set-ups. It's easy to get out of sync and struggle.

At 35,000 ft - she left this relationship, was involved with another, and left that relationship (impulsively) by bouncing back to you.

This is a rebound period.  Not a honeymoon period.

She most likely hasn't processed and doesn't have a stable view of where she is or wants to be in the longer term and with who... .and even if she thinks she does, it's best to know that this is a volatile period (no matter how it appears) that can have a lot of outcomes (you, the recent ex, new guy, some combo).

And frankly, you are struggling with the same based on: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=279718

I think the read on the "don't pressure me" and the needing space is that perhaps she is not ready to jump back into the relationship you have in mind.

If you force it, it may not play well.  Just being "too available" is probably not helping.

It also feels like the relationship balance is really weighted in her favor. You may need to apply some courting skills to balance this thing out.

It may make the most sense to tag this as a transitional / rebound time and back it off quite a bit with a real positive attitude - go into courting mode and give her space (error on the side of more than she wants) to come to you and let her do the reaching.  Anything else may feel needy and clingy to her and she'll drift away.  

I know this isn't what feels natural.  However, there are three mistakes we often see on rebounds:

~ expectations to high, too fast (and quick to become defensive)

~ wanting/wanting the ex to heal the relationship wounds

~ approaching the relationship the same way that failed before (not changing the game).

This is useful thanks.

Well we were involved again for 4 months before this dissapearance and she had asked to be exclusive which I'd agreed to.

Also thanks for the reminder on the courtship, backing off and relaxing has helped so far, I just sometimes worry about reconciling that with the abandonment issues