BPDFamily.com

Hello,

I'm just introducing myself to the forum. This is my first post. After seeking advice regarding my marriage on another forum, I found this site.

I've been married to my husband for 10 years. We've had many good times and many bad. Lately, the bad seems to outweigh the good, at least for me.

I've gotten to the point where even thinking about Mr. Galaxy evokes a stress response in my body. I get anxiety. I have trouble sleeping. When he's at work, I worry whether the children are making any messes that will cause him to explode when he gets home. I work from home, and I'm finding it increasingly difficult to focus because I spend all my time thinking about my marriage and what I should do.

I've seriously considered leaving, but I'm so conflicted about whether it's the right thing. My two younger sisters are urging me to leave the relationship, but my children love their father. I know that I will still have to co-parent with him, even if I leave, and I've seen my older sister struggle to co-parent my niece and nephew with her hateful, resentful ex-H.

I'm just here to throw around ideas and listen to what others are saying, so I can decide if I'm strong enough to stay/ if my husband has hope of getting treatment, or dealing with the fits of rage and hateful outbursts will ultimately destroy my own mental health.

StrangeGalaxy, I am so glad you found us!  I have been married to uBPDh for 10 years and we have 3 young children.  I left for a year, but came back because of the children.  It is better for them for me to be here than them being alone with uBPDh.

I read the Lessons (to the right of the page -----> regularly, along with a few books that really seem to help me.  As soon as I really accepted that I can only change myself and my reactions, things slowly started getting better.  It takes, time, effort, and great patience.  I mess up often!  But I just keep on plugging away, working on myself becoming healthy and it is reflected in him.

Hang in there, check out the Lessons, and let us know how you are doing!

Thank you for your response! It's helpful knowing others are going through the same thing and can offer their experience. I read the first lesson, and I had already started working on myself through meditation, which I've found helpful. I'm just in the beginning stages of understanding his behavior and how my reactions make it worse.

I used to be a very shy, timid person when I met Mr. Galaxy, so it was easy for him to get away with the behavior and intimidate me. I usually just let him degrade me and then slipped away to do as I was told like a quiet little mouse, a ghost living in our house just to please him.

But, as I've gotten older, I've experienced more and grown stronger, and knowing that I influence my children, I've been less inclined to simply do as he says. It is good that I've experienced this growth, but it makes him exhibit worse behavior. I haven't always made the right choices when I stand up to him, and now I'm working on not letting him push my triggers so that I can create a calmer home for my children.

The real struggle is that I feel so much fear towards him. As I work to make things better, I'm aware that I love him and care what happens to him, but I don't feel any tenderness or loving feelings when I think of my husband--Instead I feel dread and tension.

Welcome Strange :D

You wrote about how you were shy and then grew stronger in your marriage and well, that's exactly what happened to me too!  Not that it's all that surprising I guess since most people mature and eventually get fed up with unhealthy people in their lives but I guess it was just nice to read your words- very validating for me. 

I never had children to worry about in my marriage thank goodness but I did have other dependents ( my dogs and my business) that kept me trapped in the marriage for way too long.  At the ten year mark I had become a horribly depressed zombie and yet something inside of me kept me going.  Plus, I had my dogs, my only source of joy, and would not leave them for anything.  It's been 20 years now and I'm in the process of leaving with my sights focused on freedom but I'm facing a lot more challenges today than I would have ten years ago.  So, don't allow yourself to get caught in the ' there's always tomorrow' mindset. 

I'm not going to tell you whether you should stay or leave.  You sound like a very reasonable and wise woman.  What I will suggest is that you should always pay close attention to your intuition and honor it.  If I had done that , I wouldn't be in the mess I'm in today AND in poor health AND financially broke.  A lot of people can't understand why I stayed so long and allowed my husband to hurt me and harm me.  Frankly, I couldn't understand why I tolerated it for so long.  But, in hindsight, I know that there were a combination of things including being raised by an NPD/BPD mother that just added up to me feeling helpless, hopeless and trapped and unable to trust my own good advice.   I'm better now ( emotionally and mentally) than I have been in many years but I'm also worse off economically and financially and therefore, trapped.

I did find a great counselor to work with me who has taught me ways to de-escalate my husband when he's being ugly and destructive. The women's shelter provided counseling as well as legal help.   While I don't believe this is any way to live, I also know that it's necessary to learn how to disconnect and not react to them in any way that causes them to respond defensively with even more anger.  This is terribly hard to learn and sometimes unbearable- especially when my husband would do terrible things to me, our dogs, our business, our property.  I don't want to manage his bad character or his abusive personality but as long as I'm having to relate him, that's exactly what I have to do- doing so is the lesser of evils until I can escape for good. 

You have a lot to consider- especially relating to your children.  Have you and your husband sought any type of marriage counseling? 

The main thing is that you prepare for the worst so that if the worst case does come on suddenly, you won't be trapped and you won't be caught off guard which makes you even more vulnerable.  Hopefully, your husband can get help and the two of you can work things out but I still think it's best to prepare for the worst.  Consult with a lawyer just for the heck of it, consult with a professional counselor.  Hold on to your friends and any family that you can ( assuming they are healthy and safe people) because they will be your support.  I became completely isolated from everyone which only put me in more danger. 

Take care of yourself. 

StrangeGalaxy,

I'm glad you have found us!

 


Can you tell us more about the fear you experience?  Where does it come from?

FF

First step is to stop thinking about the end result as in should I stay or should I go? That will resolve itself it time.

Keep going through the lessons and consolidating as you go. Some of it will sound obvious, but it takes a while for it to feel instinctive.

Whether you stay or go there is a lot that can be done to build a better stronger you as part of the process. You are doing this to make a better you as much as anything else.

You will learn to stop making things worse, yet not being afraid of consequences. You will learn to believe in yourself and your rights to your own values.

It is a tightly wound knot and it takes a while to unpick it a bit at a time