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Title: Coping with Splitting/distancing "It's not that serious between us" Post by: shatra on July 15, 2015, 08:36:59 PM Hi
I am coping with what may be splitting (seeing me as all bad) or distancing (keeping me at a distance to protect himself from feeling abandoned). We are currently on a break, and seems to be recycling with a former "friend". I feel upset over this, and he replied "It's not that serious between you and I". I am shocked, because before he would crave closeness, talk about our future and ask for more time with me, then blurt out "it's not that serious", etc. I wonder if this is his defense, splitting our relationship as devalued, or pushing me away to protect himself. I feel uncomfortable for 2 reasons---- 1----I'm confused, because he insisted it was a serious relationship before 2----- I'm hurt because it seemed serious and now he devalues it. Any feedback or similar experiences would be helpful Thanks Shatra Title: Re: Coping with Splitting/distancing "It's not that serious between us" Post by: Daniell85 on July 15, 2015, 10:42:25 PM How long have you been on break and why are you on break?
I get "breaks" from my boyfriend, too. That can be hard because it seems like shady things happen a lot during those times. It can be pretty confusing and upsetting. BPD seems to scissor through their memories of what they have done with us and the things they say about the importance of the relationship during those times. It seems to me it's that object constancy thing. Kind of like they disassociate from us while they are off orbiting something else. Then they come back and have an "a-ha" moment and "oh yeh, YOU are the one I love!" Wears and tears my nerves quite a bit in the past. Confusing, baffling, yep. Then I remember, BPD. :/ That sucks Title: Re: Coping with Splitting/distancing "It's not that serious between us" Post by: mindwise on July 16, 2015, 06:11:11 AM 1----I'm confused, because he insisted it was a serious relationship before 2----- I'm hurt because it seemed serious and now he devalues it. Hi shatra, I understand your confusion and I'm sorry you're hurting. He probably meant it at the time (serious relationship). When your partner unilaterally changes the terms of the relationship don't go along with it. Let him know you love him and want to be with him but as a romantic partner, not as "just friends". Don't settle or participate in "not so serious between us" vibe. Understand his need for space but don't tolerate toxic dynamics (break up, recycle). If you are looking for a serious relationship with a pwBPD you have to take the lead, stand up for what you believe and communicate assertively. Don't let him take you for granted. I get "breaks" from my boyfriend, too. That can be hard because it seems like shady things happen a lot during those times. It can be pretty confusing and upsetting. I can relate to this Daniell85. What seems to "work" for me with my BPDgf is to find a balance between understanding her unhealthy coping mechanism and accepting her need for space but also communicating calmly it is not OK to break up, date other people and then expect to recycle. Letting her know, lovingly, that if she leaves again, it's forever. Good luck :) mw Title: Re: Coping with Splitting/distancing "It's not that serious between us" Post by: shatra on July 16, 2015, 04:44:06 PM Hi
Thanks for the feedback. Danielle the break is 5 mos so far, because we were not able to schedule time together due to our schedules. You are right it is object constancy... .and also I feel he devues and splits me black during the break so it is less painful for him (he won't miss me as much if he says it "wasn't that serious anyway" Mindwise, yes the break and recycle is a painful process. And I fear he won't come back, which makes me more upset! Shatra |