BPDFamily.com

As title says ... is longevity even possible if they don't go to therapy? or is a relationship simply too much to handle?

I am facing a similar "black box" situation and wondering if I am beating my head against a brick wall.  Oddly, I came to realize BPD manifests usu in adolescence.  I have been with uBPDw since age 18 - have spent past 30 yrs thinking "it is just me".

@problemsolver I cannot speak for everyone, but my dBPDh is untreated, and we are doing just fine. We work on things together, and he's started DBT therapy at home with me.

I think the biggest contribution to it is whether or not your partner is self-aware, and willing. Is that a possibility for you?

Yes... .

Thing about "good... .better... .best... ."

You can muddle along at good... .with bad episodes... .by reading some books... using this forum

You can get to better if either one of you takes therapy/treatment seriously.  (Yes... even if your pwBPD does nothing... .but you "clean up your side of the street"... .very likely to see dramatic improvement)

You can get to best if both do.

Last thought... .BPD is such a spectrum... .high to low functioning... .waif to queen... .  that lots of factors can come into play.

There are lots of good responses here, and I will add my 'yes' vote to the consensus.  My husband has not been diagnosed or treated; but research into his behavior led me to these boards and this forum.  I began using the tools here, and also let H know that I suspected BPD.  He used to have frequent raging behavior, which made me think that a long-term relationship was not going to happen for us.  Now the rages are almost a thing of the past.  I started reacting less when they occurred, and he started making more effort to control his temper.  So though he hasn't sought diagnosis or treatment, things have gotten a lot better.  I think as Ethyl said, their self-awareness and willingness to change are key.  Communication is often extremely difficult when he is in one of his negative moods, and I do still walk on eggshells a lot, but I've learned to live with that.

Well i'm new to the discover of "BPD" but i've done alot of research I would say she falls into the waif for the most part - always kind of playing the "victim" and she's always complaining of pains... But she can also be quite narcissistic like a queen? she thinks really highly of herself but only to me. I don't believe she talks very grandiose in front of others. She said she has gone to therapist when she was younger ... and at times she seems self aware but from my understanding she's to embarrassed to take meds and she no longer does any type of therapy . I guess I just don't quite understand how to deal with it yet because she can shift between them day to day. Is there a really good link that shows how to deal with the shifts of "character" in the spectrum ?

Soak up all the lessons (have you been reading "the lessons"?) 

But... .the advice is to to "deal with" the shifts... .it takes work to get there.

You figure out a good way to live your life... make validation a habit (regardless of her "shift" and put boundaries in place to protect what you care about... .

You stay on the same line... .she will flit from one side to another... .you don't react. 

Over time she will go to less and less extremes... because she is not getting a reaction... .it is not working for her.

FF

I think you absolutely can, but it is greatly effected by the severity of the BPD, and how the NON reacts to it. From my time on here, I've noticed that it can get quite a bit better, if you use the tools, and of course again, this depends on how reactionary the BPD is. It's hard living with the constant ups and downs.

You can but YOU will have to change a lot, your interactions and expectations will shift.

You will have to eliminate any abuse and conflict that may be present. But once this is gone it is possible to live with a degree of harmless dysfunction.

It is not for everyone, but it can be fun for others.

There will be frustrations.

It will be important to determine what is particularly good about this relationship so that it is an acceptable choice, rather than survival out of default of not making a choice.

What is the gold nugget in this relationship?

How do you do this at home? Does a T come to your house? Do you use a text book? I thought DBT involved individual and group therapy?

Thanks

What do BPDs get out of a 'reaction' from us nons?

We'll never know for sure... .

But generally... it meets some emotional need they have... but meets it in a dysfunctional way.

So... .they love you... .and want to know if you love them... .so they push you away with something that (to you) doesn't sound loving... .and then you come towards them to try to figure out what is going on. 

So... they push away... .you come closer... .they somehow figure out that means you still like them.

Thoughts?

FF

What do they get out of our reactions? The same thing most people get when somebody reacts to them. It depends on the circumstances and the situation.

I would like to take this out of the realm of BPD for a second. FF, the way you describe that sounds a lot like some of my behaviors towards my husband at different times. I am going to try to explain my thinking so bear with me.  :)

My thinking is that a lot of BPD behaviors are very similar to the behaviors of everyone else. The difference in my opinion is in the intensity and frequency.

To use your example of having an unmet emotional need. . .I have unmet emotional needs that stem from my husband's behaviors. I have tried all sorts of things to communicate with my husband. He doesn't hear me. After going unheard for 17 years, I react. A couple of years ago, I completely imploded and behaved badly. I got reaction out of my husband. It wasn't the reaction that I wanted but it was a reaction nonetheless. His reaction showed me how invested he was/wasn't in me and our relationship. I think a certain amount of push/pull is normal in relationships.

Where it enters the BPD realm is how intense it is and how frequent it is. I think the frequency and intensity also impacts how easy or difficult it is to have a long term relationship. My husband tends to be pretty waifish and he only seems to get really, really difficult when super stressful things happen. The worst times in our marriage coincided with really stressful events like the death of his father and diagnosis of his diabetes.

 

I agree... .I think one of the "markers" of a PD is that it goes on for a long time... .and there is an "inflexibility" to change or to seeing another point of view.

Many of us have been in "acute" situations... .and reacted/acted quite badly.

We are able to look around us and go... ."oh my... .I have made a complete mess of things... .how will I ever clean it up... "

And... .somehow... we start heading back towards what "most" people think is normal behavior.

My interpretation of pw a PD is that they do the same things and either say... ."look what other people made me do... .they should be punished for it... ."   or... ."look how screw up the rest of the world is... "

Depending on the severity of the PD... .it seems to further remove them from being able to see their role.

So... .VOC... .I'm onboard with your explanation... .but would like to add "length of time" to your list.

FF

There are so many factors that determine that. It differs from case to case. Some people (nons) can stand very much, some again can´t.

For me it is possible, but it required a lot of learning on my side and emphasis on respect. Though my BPDh lacks a lot of it when he is propelled, it takes a general view to determine where are things going. If there is even slow but visible improvement and mutual respect, then it is possible.

This is important, and it is the "respect" part of the equation which is the hardest if we are honest with ourselves.

I've learned over time that his push/pull is an indicator for something else boiling under the surface... .something bad happened to him that day. (either real or assumed/imagined is irrelevant) The way he has explained it to me is that the feelings overwhelm him, his mind starts racing, and it's like a tape that replays itself over and over and over until he releases that anxiety/fear/anger. He has been working hard on doing that in a more healthy way, but it's a slow process. It's difficult for all of us to change the way we think.

And when you are in a r/s with a person with PD, both parties have to change their thought process to find common ground.