BPDFamily.com

Like the Jeopardy category. Sounds better than "update."  :)

Or is it "Potpouri?"

My co-parenting r/s can be described as "cooperative colleagues." This doesn't mean I'm resting on my laurels.

Things have stabilized with regard to my ex in-laws after I called the cops about two months ago on ex BIL17 probably molesting D3. I'm split black, of course, and my Ex somewhat by her family for "taking Turkish's side." I see gramdma now and then when I exchange the kids the days she watches them at my Ex's apartment. The kids can never go back to that house without their mom as an escort and watchdog as long as U17 lives there. Since my Ex's brothers, 25 and 39, still live there, that probably means never.

The kids' mom got married a little over a month ago to the OM, and he moved in recently. Interestingly, the kids finally calmed down. Mommy got married. I've heard no more talk from S5 implying that we should get back together. That her husband asks me for parenting advice bugs me, but I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. I'm a grown man. I'm confident I could figure it out... I sense he kind of walks on egg shells around me... .or it's a kid its like a kid asking for fatherly advice    He's 18 years younger than me.

I think my boundaries have been ok, but I still get feedback that I do too much for her. I asserted a boundary yesterday, however.

S5 has an infection. She wasn't told that a prescription was sent until it was too late to get to the pharmacy. She had the kids. I was to pick up the kids yesterday at 830 to babysit them for the morning. We both take days off each month due to the new childcare situation. At ten to 6, I got a text where she called herself stupid, that she forgot that the medical complex has a 24hr pharmacy. She asked if I could go get the medicine before I picked them up (she gets triggered when the kids are sick, or even the littlest bit injured). I thought about the drive from her place and reasoned that S5 would be delayed by getting his meds by 40 mins at most if I didn't scramble to her request. So I didn't answer.

Though I was already up, I had my coffee. Read a little. Had a smoke. Checked the board. then at 730, I answered that I could pick them up a little early. Our homes are about equidistant from the hospital. I didn't persecute her and ask why she didn't send her boy toy husband on this errand.

I took our son to a placement test at 10. She wanted me to give him the meds right away. I reasoned that 3x/day, it would make more sense to do 2pm-10pm-6am. She was anxious. I dosed him around 10. Dropped the kids off.

Before I picked them up this morning (a full day off to watch them), I got a text saying she didn't wake up at 2am to dose him, so she did it at 7. I asked about an alarm, but she said she slept through it. I didn't answer, though I wanted to ask, "what about stepdaddy?"

So now it's back to what I originally thought made sense (though I have no problem waking up; I'm a light sleeper, and often times can wake myself up by an internal clock). The moral of all of this is that I didn't jump to her anxiety-driven (and irresponsible) request, so I scratch myself behind my ears for that. I jumped to a similar request last year on her time. I think of myself as a single parent on my custody time, and there would have to be a major crisis (zombie apocalpse?) before I would reach out for a rescue. Actually, I could probably handle a zombie apocalypse, too  *)

Last week, D3 had what looked like a burn on one of her fingers. I took a pic to document, and texted asking if she knew what happened. No. I said no problem, and put on a bandaid. Later that night, I got a generalized text asking if the kids fell, asleep ok. I had stopped answering these texts a year ago (boundary), but I was curious. I texted back, "are you anxious?" She said that she was (the burn/tear wasn't that bad, but I felt I had to document it to not be queried myself the next day). She said that she was, and that she didn't like seeing the kids hurt. She also said that she realized that I wasn't responsible for her feelings Awesome! She listened to some of the wisdom I passed on from BPDF.

The OM said something interesting the other day. I dropped off the kids and he was engaging my in conversation. I was trying to extricate myself to go to work. He said that the kids seemed much more relaxed whenever I dropped them off. I looked at the kids running around the slide, screaming, and felt like asking, "what?" Then he said that whenever they came back from an outing with their mom that they seemed anxious or out of control. I told him that I had some theories on that, but I wasn't going to say anything. You made the bed you're sleeping in.

He asked me what kind of things he should get S5 to reflect his interests. I said he likes building things, D3 likes reading. He said he observed that. What I didn't say was "don't over think parenthood." That's what their mom does.

TAFN. No double Jeopardy questions  :)

Turkish

I think it's "Potent Potables" :)  

There are a lot of different aspects to comment on, your ex is going to have a harder time with your children if her family is being nasty to her for doing the right thing.  I think it's interesting that they call it "taking your side".  

I am kind of optimistic about the OM for talking to you about the kids.  I met my ex's wife once, thanked her for being in my daughter's life, and gave her my phone number/email address in case she ever needed to talk.  My ex asked me to email his wife's email address, but I don't know if that's really her and don't know if I've never talked to her outside that one time.  I'm more worried for her than anything.

There are a lot of positives that can come from this.  By him talking to you and keeping an open dialog, it shows your kids that communication is important.  He may also respect your advice (and be anxious) because you are older and their father.  It is normal to be angry with the step parent because they are involved with your children, but by being welcoming to him you may be able to teach your kids about healthy adult relationships (that they will not get from their mom & stepdad).  He might become a reasonable person, although young and not bright, that would potentially build their esteem, love them, care for them, and respect them.  He is not your replacement, he is their mom's replacement.

disclaimer: for all intents and purposes, the step father does not replace the mother, it just sounded really cool when I wrote it... .

Also with an open dialog, it shows you want to communicate.  Maybe when the kids are older, they will see that too.  Of course this is also a good plan because if anything changes in their home, you will know by the OM's behavior.  I hope some part of this helps.

Potent Potables, thanks! I used to watch the show for years, the. Quit tv when they switched to digital (I do have Netflix, I'm not a Neo-Luddite  :)

Her family seems to have calmed. I finally saw her older brother the other day when he stopped by to pick up her mom from baby-sitting the kids at my Ex's apartment. He was the one who referred to me as a mother-effer, told his sis he hated her and never wanted to see her again and was going to sue both me and her for what we did to the family. I gave him a quick wave.

It's hard to accept, but I think what you say is right. He resoects my advice, and might even be a little afriad of me. He's kissed up on more than one occasion, saying I'm "tough." He'd probably accept an invitation out for a beer (I'm thinking the target range  :) But I really want as least interaction as I can with them. It's hard enough with S5, D2, sometimes D33, without a possible S25 in the mix. From the things the kids say, they view him as a silly guy. It's good that they find him funny, but I don't get the feeling that they seem him as Other Dad, even though they've known him for over a year. I'm too solid a personality to be replaced in their eyes

They're going on a completely unnecessary trip next week out of state. I'll have the kids on her time mostly. I'll just enjoy it.